Laerrus Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) I have been unaware of my condition for years, I was trapped in a delusional fantasy land that had me playing (a) god on earth and loving every minute of it. A year ago I lost it all, Realizing I'd come to a dead end, homeless and broke, I woke up from the delusion and started to try and put my life back together. Quitting weed has been dificult because I feel like I can't live without the manic effect it gives me but I also can't smoke anymore because I immediately become delusional and still fight a part of me that wants to go back to "mystic land" I don't know what I'm asking here, advice, comfort? I'm seeing doctors for medication and therapy. I am so depressed having lost my (fucking amazing) mystic edge. I can testify here, the more you smoke the deeper the labyrinth. Realizing the only soul that wants to be god on earth is satan, I'd say that was rock bottom for me. Stong metaphor for sure. I just had to see more. And not just marijuana, lsd, ketamine, mda, mdma.. the list goes on. I really felt indestructible. I also felt like I would fix myself. Like my condition was a spiritual malady, a side of me still does, I don't know what to do. I'm currently not on medication. I tried depakote with risperidone but quit in fear a month ago. Thanks for reading, just looking for help. Weed has been my main drug of choice. Edited February 5, 2014 by Laerrus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Hi, welcome to CB. My diagnosis is schizoaffective also. I take medication, but therapy helped me, too. I was able to see how my thinking was distorted and slowly chip away at the thoughts. I still have some things I question, but I do my best to put those thoughts aside and go about my day. And time, I found it got easier over time. I grew up in Sunnyvale (near San Jose) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mellifluous Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 welcome i don't know how to deal with having or not having insight, but i lacked it for a long time and who knows when i do or don't have it--i have no idea what it even means in a practical sense most times. it's a fickle bitch, in my experience. anyway, welcome and having seen confused's reply: i didn't grow up here but for several years have lived in the major city just north of sunnyvale ; ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Welcome to Crazyboards. I ask all new members to read the rules---just so we're all operating on the same page. I do not share your diagnosis, but I have ingested my share of mind-altering substances. I think you have to decide how you want to live your life, and if you're homeless and broke, I would say that a new path seems like a good idea. It is possible to have powerful mystic experiences without drugs---I have had them. It is possible to have startling insights, flashes of genius, and amazing creativity---without illegal substances. I think you have to work with your therapist and a psychiatrist and get yourself stable first, and then explore various paths to enlightenment. One of the things that Crazyboards is good for is giving people a reality check. We have members who start to exhibit certain symptoms or behaviors, and their friends here point out to them "You don't sound like yourself," or "Have you checked in with your pdoc lately for a med check?" It's a valuable asset for all of us, and helps all of us to maintain a certain level of stability. I hope you like hanging out with us, and maybe you'll gain some insights and knowledge from the other members. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laerrus Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 The weed thing has really been blowing my mind. I always knew it made me feel more connected spiritually and when I started thinking the TV was ralking to me etc I took it as truth, for the most part, I mean my doubt always kept me from going over the deep end, until a few years ago when I started going overboard with all the synchronicities, fully believing I was plugged in to the matrix. I guess the crash was inevitable and now I realize how much daily pot smoking had it's hold on me. I stopped smoking weed and everything came back to it's agnostic center. An example of what I'm facing now, towards the end I started thinking the universe would answe my questions with a one for yes, two for no. Birds, car alarms chirping, anything making a one or two sound would be my answer. Now, I'm trying to stop all the craziness, I still hear the ones and twos whenever I'm thinking to myself and if I don't watch it I sometimes still think it's happening, I know it's weird but I can't help it, like a part of my mind still wants it to be true. Thanks for the replies (: I was born in Santa Clara and grew up in Redwood City, San Jose, and mostly Fremont Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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