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F*ck, finally...

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What a relief to find others like me.  Real people like me.  I feel like I've been walking this solo path for many years now, with no one who truly understands what it's like to be me.  Messed up.  Not in control.  Puts on a brave face for the rest of the world.  Spiralling.  Powerful.  Scary.


So who the hell am I?


Tough question to answer lately as I feel like the tapestry that I've woven, so delicately, for so long, has been unravelling.  I suspect it's because it was fake, created with the intent to be considered "normal", but I think the facade is up.  I'm pretty sure it is.  And it scares the sh*t out of me.  I'm not sure my next steps but I thought I would join this board in order to work through it, with my writing.  I have always found that it was better to write to an audience than to myself.  Keeps me honest, I guess.  Definitely keeps me on track.  So thank you for being out there.


I guess I should credential myself now: I have struggled with low-grade depression most of my life, with a handful of major depressive episodes mixed in, sometimes triggered by events, sometimes appearing on their own to remind me that I'm not in control of my own mind.  Buggers.  I have been in therapy on and off for 20 years, with regular therapists/counsellors and psychiatrists and have rarely taken meds during this time, only in crisis/acute times.


Approximately five years ago, my psychiatrist felt that I had struggled enough in my life with mental illness and that she wanted to formally diagnose me.  She took out her Big Book (DSM-version unknown) and asked me questions to get us to a diagnosis in order to treat what the heck was going on in my mind.  As most who know me in real life would attest, I'm complex, so she struggled.  I rated high for dysthymia, major depressive disorder and rated moderate for bipolar disorder II.  She did not feel confident in her ability to pinpoint a diagnosis and sent me to a specialist at some fancy place.  He spent 15 minutes with me and stated that I had BPII and recommended medication.


I never went back to him after that first visit.  I didn't trust his diagnosis.  He didn't talk to me enough.  He didn't explain what was happening.  Looking back, I didn't want to believe it.  I did my own research on BPII and was determined to create a life med free and balanced.  I exercised, ate well, slept well, managed stress well, did all the things I could control and it worked.... and I hoped I would "outgrow" it.  I still had highs and lows, but they were in a range that was manageable, not extreme.  I went through shitty times and I felt I was still in control.  I took Rhodiola to help manage the stressful times.  I had a plan and it was working.  Until last year...


Major, uncontrollable stress triggered some real scary highs and lows.  Being around toxic people in a toxic environment was making me crazy.  I knew it.  I could feel it.  And then life started chipping away at my plan until I extremed into the worst manic episode ever, manic in the BPI way, not the BPII way.... but I loved it.  Who doesn't love mania, right?  It's fun and exciting and crazy and energizes me like nothing else.  Until the big crash...


And that's where I am today.  The big black hole.  I never thought I would crash so hard and be down so deep in that big black hole that has always been beside me my whole life.  I'm scaring myself right now but reached out to my doctor.  I am accepting my diagnosis officially.  I have BPI or BPII... still to be determined once I can get in to see a psychiatrist again.... I know it.  I can't pretend I don't have it anymore.  I am no longer able to manage it on my own.  My family physician put me on Seroquel to start elevating me upwards and it's working, of course with side effects, but at least I'm not an out of control crazy person crying non stop.  I have a feeling that this time, it's going to be a long journey ahead.  I feel that I have forgotten how to simply be and need to relearn all those skills I took years learning.  My behaviour of late has been horrific.  My relationships suck.  I hate the world and would like to disappear.  I keep making plans - yes, extreme plans but thankfully my dogs keep me here on this earth, but also 'escape-from-my-life' plans like selling all my sh*t, buying an RV and just travelling alone.


This all brings me to here.  Thanks for giving me some space to work through this.  





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Hello and Welcome to Crazyboards!


If you haven't already done so, please take a few minutes to read the User Agreement.


I'm sorry that you find yourself in the Pit.  It is truly an awful place to be and I hope that your psychiatrist can find some meds that help.


You've probably noticed we have a blog section, but I wanted to point it out just in case you hadn't.


Looking forward to seeing you on the Boards!

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