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Type ONe Diabetes makes this BPD even MORE interesting

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Google Doc told me yesterday that the complete loss of appetite i've experienced for months now is in fact part of the whole Diabetes package. It's been almost 25 years since diagnosis. I asked the doctor if that meant I would have to take an injection. Decades later I learn that it was at this moment that the doctor had to distract me while my mum's heart broke down in tears behind me. 

 

But it's all good. She'll be right mate. 

 

Diabetes, Insulin dependant diabetes, Type One, yes the horrible type, the autoimmune difficiency - means having to explain to people that no... it's not the diabetes you get because you're fat and eat badly. It means people constanty watching and critising everything you do and eat. And then asking questions like, so what do I do if you collapse suddenly on the floor? Do I stab you with Insulin??

 

The answer is yes. If you want to kill me. That is what you would do.

 

Oh. 

 

And then I wonder what would happen if I returned the favour and asked them back.. so what do I do if YOU convulse suddenly on the floor and piss your pants?! Do you have an emergency plan for that? 

 

Well that's Ani being the smartass. Most haven't met that version. 

 

Google Doc kept talking. I kept reading. It was shit. The constant and profuse sweating that I thought was just a natural consequence of all the physical labour i've been doiung lately, well, that's diabetes too. My body can no longer regulate it's temperature which means I actually rain sweat down my face when I'm doing even the smallest task. The autonomic nervous system that runs through the whole body is in fact starting to shut down. 

 

My digestive system. Oh yes, you probably won't be able to keep anything in or control when it comes out. 

My hands. They don't close anymore. Not since October last year. Swollen. Painful. And losing strength daily.

My balance. Going going .... 

My eyesight. Yup. Also losing that. 

My feet. They don't feel hurt anymore. In fact. If they get infected and I don't notice. They get the chop. 

 

Why am I posting this here? 

 

Because I just want someone to know. 

 

Why do I need someone to know?

 

Because no one knows. Because I don't want to go through this alone.

 

But you are going through this alone.

 

Yes but. Not if someone knows about it. ? 

 

Maybe?

 

 

 

So it's motivating. I look after my blood sugar levels and the amount of insulin in my body. I can now afford almost enough each week to eat better. If you've asked me why I gave up teaching and started building, THIS is the reason. Because moving and staying physically active is good for this body, and for the mind. The soul gets a kick out of it also. 

 

The day I stop moving, the day it simply hurts too much to lift that hammer, to throw those rocks, to dig that earth, and climb up that ladder, that is the day I go for my last surf. 

 

I'm sure there is a lot of space/time between now and then. 

 

A lot.

 

How much is a lot? None of us really know. I know it's not long now. The last two years where these diabetes complications have crashed into my life, expected but not REALLY expected, have given me time/space to measure, treasure, and value the moments life can give. 

 

I should be coming to terms with this as an eighty year old... at LEAST! I should be coming to terms with this having lived a life with a husband and children and a dog and a fat cat. Should should should. But, like with everything else, and like everyone else... i'm completely different. And i'm living right now. And I'm smiling. Also crying. Because the regrets are accompanied with thoughts of gratefulness and wonder. How did I get so lucky? 

 

Do I feel sorry for myself? YESS! But it's much worse for those close to me. And for those who I will have to leave behind. I know it's hard and I'm sorry. I want to share this. Because I hope, in my last days.. that i'm not doing this alone. 

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