Hi, I am kitties. I am a newbie here, but not to illness. I have chronic pain 24/7 in my back and neck.
Mentally....here are my diagnoses (got a second and third opinion....all objective and a consensus of the exact same diagnoses.)
Bipolar 1 with psychosis, extreme, treatment resistant, rapid cycling. Mixed features predominant. Never had a remission to date...just a couple of weeks with my bipolar disorder. “Normal” for a few weeks a couple of times per year. No anxiety remission.
OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, PTSD...I think that is everything. Oh, I am significantly affected by a very strong dose of agoraphobia stemming from my PTSD and Panic Disorder.
I have a great psychiatrist and I e been in treatment with him a since 2006. I had a great therapist that had a co-transference issue and I ultimately ended my therapy with him. I have tried four therapists since firing the aforementioned therapist - but I unfortunately have lost faith in the process.
I am a night owl by nature and it has really ramped up since being declared disabled in 2009/SSDI/cannot work. I struggle with having a “routine,” although I have read that one with bipolar disorder tends to be more stable with a routine. I’m easily overstimulated so I like the quiet and darkness..
I know I have an eating disorder (anorexia, restricting type), but I politely yet firmly said I have had “eating issues” but I have no desire to “go there.” My psychiatrist respects that although I am subject to a monthly weigh-in and I self-manage it.
I am currently relapsing right now, unfortunately. But, I have had it for so many years that I know at what weight my body and mind take a turn for the worst. And I have to rein it back in and stop losing (meaning eat more). I’ll never seek treatment as the recovery model, IMO, is ridiculous. Kudos to those that have been able to “recover.”
I take a bunch of meds, mainly psych meds
I like to read, Enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. Internet. I like learning things, I am currently and reading up on world history (pre-USA). I keep up with psychology and sociology.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Psych Dx: treatment resistant depression (major + persistent), generalized anxiety, adhd
Psych Rx: bupropion 450 qd, buspirone 15 bid, adderall 20 am 10pm, clonazepam .5 prn
Other Dx: celiac, gerd, vulvodynia/vulvar vestibulitis, oab, seasonal allergies, idiopathic chronic nausea, neuropathy, myalgia, & arthralgia
Other Rx: myrbetriq 50 qd, pantoprozole 20 bid, topical estrogen qd, topical clobetasol prn, topical lidocaine prn
OTC: mucinex 12-hour bid, vitamin D3 qd, fish oil qd, probiotic qd, zyrtec qd, nasacort qd, saline spray bid, melatonin prn
Previous Psych Rx: seroquel, depakote, lamictal, remeron, trazadone, lithium, ambien, sonata, zyprexa, lexapro, prozac, temazepan, xanax, rozerem
So I've clearly been on a lot of meds over the years (since first being put on seroquel in early 2013) partially because I was initially misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been on my current cocktail for quite awhile, and I had been doing pretty well with my depression but it's gotten significantly worse lately due to some life events + unyielding chronic pain that has been getting worse for the last two years.
For the neuropathy I tried gabapentin for several months and it did absolutely nothing. I've been suggested Lyrica (which even with my good insurance is still $100 a month or $200 for 3 months with a mail order pharmacy which is a lot more than I can reasonably afford) and Cymbalta.
Does anyone with depression and/or neuropathy have any experience with taking Cymbalta and Wellbutrin together? The two SSRIs I've taken (lexapro & prozac) in the past both gave me severe gastrointestinal side effects and I wasn't able to stay on them long enough to see if they even helped. It would be great to have a cheap, generic drug improve my nerve pain and depression, but I'm nervous about trying another SSRI.
I'm also fairly uncomfortable with the idea of going off bupropion, bc it's been pretty damn effective if not adequately so. Because when I wasn't on bupropion I was a MESS and I'm afraid of going back to that level of depressed.
Also curious if anyone has any success with using any med, Cymbalta or otherwise, as an adjunct treatment for depression?
I have recently gotten back to therapy so I'm hoping that will help some but it's hard to follow through on anything from my therapist (or from my physical therapists, doing anything besides going to work & sleeping) bc of executive dysfunction, constant fatigue, pretty severe anhedonia, general feeling of emptiness.
I'm so fucking tired of this damn war on drugs. The persecution of doctors and even pharmacists (YES - PHARMACISTS are losing their licences in FL for filling "too many" 100% legit scripts - not forgeries, but by doctors with active DEA credentials appropriately medicating -- not some crazy ass amount of oxycodone or worse). It leaves people like me, in chronic hard-core pain (that's only gotten worse) crying in bed from the pain. Doctors are too afraid to treat their patients.
Meanwhile.. it's all about the poor, innocent, helpless victims of a world where pain meds exist and they've gone out of their way to get shit illegally - over -and over - and over again in order to feed a habit rather than face up to their internal demons. And it's a DISEASE. REALLY? REALLY? FUCK THAT SHIT! It's a CHOICE. Mental issues and a physical predisposition exists, but taking one damn 5mg hydrocodone does not make someone an addict for life and take free will out of one's control.
People are dying from Fentanyl made to look like other shit. Well, it is an illegal drug market about money and regular deaths when dealers get pissed off. What the hell do you really expect. Yet they're the "Victims". No. Victims don't make consistent choices over the course of months or even years to do something they're fully aware of the consequences of and decide they don't care and would rather be high and risk it. And still continue to risk it, knowing it's on the market. What do they do - buy test strips. It's like personal responsibility no longer exists. Probably because politicians sons and daughters are getting addicted. It couldn't possibly be the environment they were raised in, or that they have personal issues -- nope, it's gotta be caused by some evil in the shadows that came after their poor, innocent children and hurt them.
You don't become an addict overnight and you don't get over it overnight. It's a long slow process made up of many choices. People aren't so idiotic that they don't know what that choice they're making is. Noo.. addiction is all about the drugs being there; whereas, mental illness is a conscious personal failing you should just be able to magically get over & not doing so is a choice.
I just saw a neurologist. He said I'd just have to live with the pain cause I've been on all the psych meds.. and throwing opiates at it isn't a reasonable thing. ...... Yet, after all the psych meds that were never developed to handle fibromyalgia.. the OFFICIAL medication treatment guideline says : OPIATES. And the really sad thing is - it works for mine.
Honestly, .. I've thought about going and buying the fake shit that's actually fentanyl, dissolving it in two quarts (or even gallons) of liquid, and dosing it in tsp. Actually seems pretty damn cost effective considering the price of medications. I'm not going to do it. There's probably other shit in there that'll mess with my MI chemistry/meds too. But I considered it.
This system is fucked.
I have been quite depressed lately over loosing friends and even family. While my relationship with my fiance seems to have been saved (he has been going to therapy, taking meds, been much happier, sweeter, supportive, and at least trying very hard to be understanding of my emotional self which makes me very happy), all my other relationships seem to be falling into shambles.
I will start off with my dad. We were very close until I became a very troubled teenager. He tried to gain custody, but I refused to go due to the emotional stress it was causing. An ex-wife he always sided with to get some tail furthered the rift between us. Also my mom's hatred for him he assumes has tainted my view of him despite what I tell him and no matter how many times I tell him other wise. Anyway, I really like his current wife and we talk a lot when ever I go visit. However, there are some things she told me I wish she had kept to herself, but I understand she wanted to vent to someone as well. We are the same age, and both know him quite well. They have been having some problems and I am not sure if they will make it. Anyway, I learned that he feels he is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. That if I was not a Christian (which I am not, but that is a secret) or a lesbian I would be disowned. I really feel for anyone having to deal with that who have come out to their families. Just saying, I am so sorry to anyone who has to live with that. However, she also ranted on how hypocritical he is as a porn addict he loves watching two girls more than anything. Hm. Anyway, during my last visit he was quite a jerk to me. Nothing nice was ever spoken. He told me I never take care of my child even though I did so the entire time I was there. He put me down telling me everything I was doing wrong, and smirked shaking his head at my comments to what I do or what I think should be done. I just cannot handle him anymore. He has two new kids, and I honestly think he will be close with them until they become adults like with me. As long as they agree with him, they will be fine. It depends on how much he brainwashes them into agreeing with everything he says. He always tells me that if I think anything different than him then I must be some sheep believing the media, when I just do my own research and make my own opinions.
All my friends are pretty busy. Life calls, I understand, but it is difficult to bear at times when I never see anyone. And I do mean never no matter how hard we all try. They work many jobs and are struggling to keep their heads above the water, so I completely understand and go to them when I can. However, it is very difficult with a toddler. I get tired of always being the one to go to them when it is so much easier for them to come to me (we live 2 hours a part). My best friend has never once come to see me in my town. She also lives two hours away. For years I drive to see her. Even right after my baby was born, I packed his things and went over there fighting the hassle of the pack n play, the many cans of formula, him having trouble in a strange home, etc. I do it since she helps with gas, lets us stay for a while, and we have tons of fun. However, those times I can drive out there now are pretty few between classes and a toddler. Plus, she has a job now and works a lot. I get it, but things got really bad lately. She found this girl she works with and has become incredibly close with. Honestly, at first I was not at all jealous. I did not like the girl very much because she hates being around kids and it made me feel bad. Plus, she used the excuse of anxiety which I never get to use even though I have severe problems with it and am hospitalized because of it at least once every year from the havoc it wrecks on my body. I told her I wasn't crazy about all that, but I didn't know her well enough to really say if I liked her or not, just that I was not comfortable that she did like kids. Like I said, it made me feel bad for some reason since I never planned on ever having any and I suffer with post-partum depression that has not yet fully subsided.
Anyway, as time goes on they spend more and more time together, and of course I am never invited. I used to always be allowed to go over to her home whenever i wanted. I got a key, know the code and everything. I have been over there when everyone had to work and played with the cats/just chilled with my son, whatever. I had a rough patch with my fiance and needed space. I had no where to go except to her place and asked if I could come over, or even if she wanted to come over to see me. For the first time she told me no because she had to work. That never stopped me before, so I got my feelings hurt. I didn't say anything except okay, and that I understand. I went to some of my other friends for help, thanked them publicly for their help and she became offended that I did not thank her too even though she didn't do a damn thing to help. I understand if she was too busy, but I am swallowing my own forming jealousy of her new friend because that makes he happy, so I figured she should do the same for me. Perhaps that was wrong of me, but when she called me out on it, I called her out on leaving me out of things and I felt the distance between us widen. After that I asked her again because I still needed help. The answer again was no because she was sick. So I left it alone. Now, I got a new phone since my old one got fried. I asked everyone for their phone numbers or to text me so I have it. She told me to message her on fb instead because her phone was messing up and she is getting a new one soon. I mean, she would still have the same number so wtf? I could message her online and still have her number for when she got her phone.
She hates drama. I know she thinks I am full of it with the challenges in my relationship and my difficulties with the part-partum depression. She tends to be the friend to try and cheer you up if you feel bad and not talk much about it. I've always been fine with that since she always does a great job, and distractions work best for me. For her too, so it was something that always worked. Now, even though all I want is that distraction again, I am being shunned. Yeah, perhaps I talked too much about my problems the last time we hung out. I was struggling. Is my sensitivity really that bad that people want to avoid me?
I've tried making other friends, but it just has not been going well. I am shy around people I do not know. I don't get along with most people just because I don't share "normal" interests. Loosing all these people are just making me really depressed, and I never feel like doing anything.
Okay, so I've been thinking a lot about just "coming out" as Bipolar to all my friends and family. At the moment only a few know and they have either accepted it and asked questions because they really want to know what is wrong or have run in the other way practically screaming and not wanting me near their children anymore. Because, you know, I can snap at any moment and you can catch Bipolar by breathing the same air as me. I feel like those who actually accept me (and I can count them on one hand) should be the only ones I worry about and not those who either think I'm dangerous, acting like I'm ill to get attention, or just want to take the drugs because I'm too weak to deal with the real world. But sometimes I feel that I will lose everyone if I don't act like everything's wonderful and I don't have to try oodles of different med cocktails to try and live a normal life.
When I do think about not living with Bipolar as if it was this giant secret I think I would feel less anxiety as I won't have to worry about people only finding out when I have an episode.
On the other hand, I don't want to jeopardise my future career because colleagues know and now think I'm not fit to work. I mean, I don't want to walk into a job interview or into the office going I'M BIPOLAR, but I need to go to dr appointments and stuff so they need to know up to a point what's wrong with me.
At the moment I feel like I have to keep a large part of my life completely private in case anyone finds out. I hardly go out anymore and am afraid to make new friends or even get a boyfriend in case they just reject me as soon as they find out that I'm crazy.
I'd like to hear how others deal with stigma / coming out and telling people about their MI...