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Moved to the bipolar forum.

 

If you're interested in reading about the subjective experience of hypo/mania, I would recommend taking a read-through some of the threads and pinned references over in the bipolar forum (don't post a new thread, just go do some reading.)  It can give you a bit of a sketched idea.

 

I have bipolar disorder NOS, and I had an irritable hypomanic episode triggered by the antidepressant Lexapro (aka: Cipralex,) which eventually turned into a mixed episode.  Hypo/mania is frequently described as the euphoric sort, but I do not get euphoric/happy/feeling good/glowing/whatever hypomania.  I get excessive energy and agitation but it entirely goes toward anxiety, aggression, irritability.  I was also, at the time, under an incredible amount of stress from many different angles, which contributed to my irritable hypomania getting so out of control (I was not diagnosed with bipolar at the time.)  I was flipping out over everything, whether the situation really warranted anger or not.  I would get so full of rage I would throw things.  I'd sometimes realize I was near exploding and would have to go isolate myself in order to calm down.  I went on long ranting tirades toward anyone who would listen.  All my filters for what is an appropriate thing to tell people were gone - I came out as bipolar to co-workers, employees, bosses, random strangers like cab drivers.  I came out as transgender to random people.  I re-arranged the merchandise in my store, in major ways, in the space of a week.  I got barely any sleep.  Beyond work, I was too anxious to leave my house for regular things that I would have normally enjoyed doing.  I had horrible intrusive obsessive thought patterns that I could not shake.  I was attending cognitive behavioural therapy at the time and was utterly unable to apply anything I was learning, it would just get tossed into my obsessive thought cycles.  Everything culminated in me physically assaulting someone who was living with us in my apartment at the time -- this individual was psychologically abusive to me, and had I been in my right state of mind I would have kicked them out months before.  None of that excuses what I did though.  He was not physically injured.  I got a hold of my GP as soon as I could (this happened between Christmas and New Year's,) and I was ordered off work on disability leave for at least a month, during that period as per my GP's instructions I came off the Lexapro FAST.  I would receive my bipolar diagnosis roughly two months after the physical assault incident.

 

My experience is not exactly typical.  But it is certainly a experience.  During the physical assault I was actually consciously aware of everything that was going on, but literally unable to control my body, and had to be forcibly removed from the person by the two other room mates who were present.  It was incredibly utterly terrifying.  I broke down into at least a 24-hour long suicidal mess afterwards and asked a room mate to take me to the ER -- where they surprisingly did not instruct me to go off the medication, nor did they place me in-patient (my GP was very surprised.)

 

I'm very thankful that I had found CB a few months before all of this happened, or I wouldn't have known what happened, I wouldn't have been ready to accept my bipolar diagnosis when it came, and I wouldn't have been so persistent in sticking with my treatment even when the first medication trial or two didn't work out.

 

Edit: I have had hypomanic (all irritable) episodes prior to this that were not triggered by medication.

Edited by Mirazh
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