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Abandoned with dysthymia

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I'm struggling very hard this last month. I was diagnosed with dysthymia two years ago, and it's been something that I'm always fighting off as best I can. My life just fell apart recently, as my wife left me after a month of marriage, and took our son with her. She left me once before, 3 years ago, and the circumstances are the same. She is the most loving person I've met, but filled with guilt and anxiety, and during these break ups, her affect flattened, she loses all positive feelings for me, and sometimes there's this bubbling rage I can see under her mask-like face. Last time she left, she dated four people, got engaged to the third, left him in the middle of the night, then dated another guy before breaking a seven month silence with me. 


I had thought that she had BPD after learning about it. The most dangerous things about our relationship were that she would constantly scan me for rejection, and she'd bend over backwards to please me. I did all I could to try and keep her from compulsively becoming an extension of me. I knew it would eventually cause resentment. I spent a lot of energy doing this, catching her self imposed rules about me, and trying to encourage her to be herself, to enjoy what she wanted. I think this worked well, for the most part, but I can't read minds and she apparently couldn't talk about everything. 


We had a child 9 months ago, and got married on New Years eve. She had been working more, staying out more, and I generally had to take more and more care of our child. In February she started staying out all night, and on the second morning of one of these nights she said she didn't love me anymore, didn't like me, and didn't like being around me. No chance at working things out, and she had that detached look that I hadn't seen in years. The next night, she took our son out with her and didn't come home until 10am the next day. 


We were caught in a snowstorm together for about a day after, and the afternoon of the second day, she took a shower, got dressed up, and went on about playing in the snow. I told her to drop the pretense and just go do what she wanted. She left, and only came back for clothes, until two days later when she and her parents came and took out son and moved her things out. They went to her parent's house, 4 hours away by car. I don't own a vehicle, we shared hers, so I was stuck without transportation to visit him. I heard a rumor that when she took the child out, she had been doing coke with him in the other room crying.


In the last three weeks, I've seen my son once. My wife has left our son at her parent's house, visiting 2 days out of the week if that. She could move in with her parents, but she's made excuses not to. She has cut off contact with me, only replying to one email that I sent her about my worries about her connection to our child and what she might be involved in. The reply sidestepped anything I wrote to tell me how much she resented me for various things. I feel like she's abandoned both of us. We co-slept. Our son slept between us nearly every night of his life. Now, they are both gone. 


I've had to move in with a relative, and I'm working hard to get a new place so I can have my son back. Time is passing so slowly. My wife is gone, like she died. My son is still a considerable distance away. I'm afraid that she's hurting herself. The last time we broke up, she engaged in some very risky and self destructive behaviors (she was a stripper, engaged in prostitution, upset someone badly enough to sabotage her car) and it seems like she's doing so again, only with drugs in the mix this time. I'm afraid that she's dangerous to our child. I'm afraid of being a single father. I'm trying not to think too hard on suicide, but sometimes things look so damned bleak. 

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Hello and Welcome!


It sounds like you are in a tough spot.  I'm sorry, it must be painful to go through this.  Perhaps its time for you to hire a lawyer so you can get, hopefully, get visiting rights with your child.


I'm afraid that your wife is going to have to want the help herself before she'll take it.


Please take just a minute to read the User Agreement so you know how we operate around here.


Take care.

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