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How will medication help me.... schizoaffective...?


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I spent the last five years in psychosis, smoking weed every day and taking other mind altering drugs, I was convinced of a lot of things, went through phases of feeling psychic, reading messages in liscense plates, hearing and seeing synchronicities everywhere, convinced there was a paradigm shift in 2012, thought I was a christ, a devil.... a reencarnated bird alien... all along I felt it was my creative mind at work and would eventually come down to earth and wonder on the significance and reality of my trips. I have for a while been prone to thinking sights and sounds around me were intended for me. I would think or read something and passers by would talk as if complementing what was in my mind. Towards the end I lost myself and my whole thought process was effected by sights and sounds around me. It all became a confusing jumble and I started losing it. I moved back home after 5 years of this. I stopped smoking weed after realizing much of my condition was exacerbated by smoking. I could take a quarter hit and my mind would start racing for hours.

I'm trying to stablize, I tried risperidone and depakote but being a type 1 diabetic my blood sugar went haywire and I would crave food constantly, also the zombie effect had me staring into space, I still would hear all the sounds around me and couldnt help thinking of connections.

Today I am taking paxil, 20mg and my moods are a bit more stable but I still wake with severe depression that lifts somewhat towards the end of the day and I feel almost manic at night but I can fall asleep. I've never had much problems sleeping although some manic nights I would only need 4 or 5 hours.

I'm not smoking weed and I'm still noticing all the synching around me, it makes it hard to concentrate but it's getting better. I feel like I could let it go if I gave it time.

Some of the things I wonder about my condition is the fact that I am annoyed and depressed by so many things. Is being easily annoyed a symptom? I'm living with my parents and they watch the barage of talent shows on every night and I can't stand sitting with them, I feel like TV I designed to dumb people down and I constantly suspect mind control at work but I don't let it bother me too much, I just leave the room and immerse myself on line.

One thing that persists more than anyhing is this one for yes, two for no thing. I convinced myself I could ask the universe a question and if I heard a door slam or a single caw from a crow for example that would be yes, two chirps from a car alarm would be a no. Bumping tires on the road, flag poles clanging, now I hear it all the time. If I'm thinking something my mind says yes or no almost every time I hear these sounds.

I told myself life is a dream and the "mind of god" or the alien overlords or whatever, I don't know, the infinite something is communicating wih me.

I want to get a job and return to life, I haven't worked for 7 years and I'm afraid to go on SSI.

I can only think medication will slow my thinking so I don't evaluate everything around me and I don't want my thinking slowed.

I want to meditate, use mindfulness techniques to bring myself back. I will try meds if I can be convinced I can enter a normal life again but I feel like I tripped myself out too much and my mind is locked in delusion. Are there any techniques to stop hearing the "voices" I don't halucinate voices but the peole talking around me always interfere with my thinking like I'm being talked to by that which is unnamable.

Sometimes I tap a link on my tablet and it doesn't work, I think I'm not "meant" to touch it.

I have been denying the thoughts a lot lately. I'm trying to convince myself it is not real but it's like the child in me is yelling to keep on with it.

The other day I was in costco and I was going to read some books, just as I started to walk a kid started crying "no, no, no..." and I turned around, it's like a parent letting the kid control things. My inner child.

If anyone could point me to techniques or explanations on how to deal, understand this it would be appreciated.

I really resonate with he John Nash story, he overcame his psychosis and I would like to as well, but as I said, I will try medication if I knew it helped. Personal experiences are appreciated.

all my life I would trip in these delusions but could function and return to reality but this time it seems I am locked in.

I don't think anyone is after me alhough I have wondered if certain people were connected and checking me out, that all went away once I moved back home, however I am still affected, car alarms, sirens are warning me, when a truck backs up and I hear the beep beep beep I think I should turn around.

I shut it out but my mind still tells me what the sounds are telling me and I get an anxious rush to respond.

Thanks for reading

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Hi, I wanted you to know I read what you wrote.

 

I am SZA and medication helps me so much that without it I'd be in a state mental hospital.  It helps very much with the hallucinations (both auditory and visual) the most.  I still am not able to work for many reasons, but the medication definitely helps with my quality of life.

 

There are some people who take meds though who are able to work and have a "normal" life.

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Thank you mellisa. I neglected to mention I also experience hypnogogic hallucinations, I hear sounds in the room and have vivid dreams while waking up or falling asleep. The other morning I saw quite clearly, behind closed eyes, a bell ringing like one in a boxing match.

I wish you well and thanks for the suport.

I'm pretty amazed at the lack of responses with all the views this thread has had. No matter, I've been used to feeling alone in this for quite some time now.

Maybe I'm posting in the wrong section?

Edited by Laerrus
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Well. I'm not schizoaffective, but I take anti-psychotics. My mind used to constantly race with thought after thought after thought and would NEVER shut up. The meds finally stopped that. I think that meds would be beneficial for you as well. Good luck.

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Schizoaffective is not terrifically usual, it might take a while for other schizoaffective peeps to comment.

 

I'm not schizoaffective, so I don't know for sure what's going to happen.

 

However...what I *think* is going to happen on the right meds?  

Your brain is still going to maybe occasionally have some of the interesting metaphysical thoughts you're having, but those thoughts are not going to draw and fixate your attention.  You're not going to be constantly and obsessively making it all about you and all about connections and signs that speak to you.

 

You will see a lot less connections.  The connections you do see are just going to be something you can touch on...and let go. 

 

You're going to hopefully stop interpreting everything as a sign and just get on with your life. You're going to be pretty well attached mentally to consensual reality, and not stuck off on your own little side spur of it.  Things may be less magical but they will be a whole lot clearer and simpler.  Hopefully, you'll not feel any particular highs or lows emotionally either.

 

This doesn't mean you are going to like TV.  TV is depressing, anyway:

http://articles.latimes.com/2009/feb/03/science/sci-tv3

 

The goal of proper medding is not to turn you into someone you aren't.  

You're still going to be you, just a grounded and functioning version.

 

(Reason for edit: crappy English)

Edited by Stickler
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Thank you mellisa. I neglected to mention I also experience hypnogogic hallucinations, I hear sounds in the room and have vivid dreams while waking up or falling asleep. The other morning I saw quite clearly, behind closed eyes, a bell ringing like one in a boxing match.

I wish you well and thanks for the suport.

I'm pretty amazed at the lack of responses with all the views this thread has had. No matter, I've been used to feeling alone in this for quite some time now.

Maybe I'm posting in the wrong section?

 

A lot of people might read your post, but can't relate or have nothing to add that is helpful.  It doesn't mean you are posting in the wrong section or anything, it just may be not as many can relate. 

 

PLUS ... it is a weekend, when not as many people are around to post.  Also, there are a lot of people reading threads on the site who aren't registered, or just reading to see if they can relate at all.  But it definitely doesn't have anything to do with you as a person.

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Wow, thanks.

AnnaBananna, I deal with racing thoughts a lot. The Paxil and meditation has helped with that but I still fight with it, my doctor told me to hold on to the risperidone in case I can't take it. She is suggesting at least 2.5mg, I have 5mg tabs that I tried but didn't like after a month and a half.

I'm partially afraid that at my age, after being so used to my unmedicated condition that I will be unable to transition to a med state. I live to serve my creative mind and try desperately to keep it in character, like an aging actor. Heh... oy. I will do what I can, I wish I could see a well educated doctor and have more med options. All I can afford is the free stuff, risperidone, depakote, the newer drugs cost money. Oh well, we do what we can.

Stickler, thanks a lot, you make it all look far less scary. I have to admit, the Paxil has been a definite improvement on my moodswings. I hope to work on meditation and focus my way through the racing thoughts, as a diabetic I am wary of mood stabilizing and psych meds. What a trip life is when we realize we're just dysfunctional fleshbots. I used to be a contenda...

Mellisa, thanks for the reassurance. Another thing that has haunted me for years is a paranoid expectation that no one likes me. Chalk that up to nerd ptsd I guess.

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Another thing that has haunted me for years is a paranoid expectation that no one likes me.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from with this.  I have felt the same way for years also.  I seem to question people's motives a lot and sometimes over-analyze what others say to me. It has gotten better over time, but it is always in the back of my mind.

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Bit late to the thread but anyway...

 

I'm SZA, I took various meds for a few years. The ones I found most helpful were Zyprexa and ziprasidone and both helped me get my life back on track. For instance, after a big psychotic break in 2010, my brain was everywhere - but then I took ziprasidone and not only felt better, but was back into full-time work within a few weeks.

 

What I've found with medication is that it stops my brain from looping. When symptomatic, my brain would obsess over various themes - usually paranoia. It was very hard to ignore, and very difficult to get anything done. By quietening my brain, I was able to focus.

 

Also, I work in the creative industries, and being able to focus has helped my creativity. It's one thing to have ideas, it's another thing to execute them - and you need to be organised with your thinking in order to realise your ideas. 

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Another thing that has haunted me for years is a paranoid expectation that no one likes me.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from with this.  I have felt the same way for years also.  I seem to question people's motives a lot and sometimes over-analyze what others say to me. It has gotten better over time, but it is always in the back of my mind. Yea, it's tough. It makes it hard to socialize and I'm a social person. In the right group I flourish but if I'm among questionable people I freak out. Sucks.

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As a child, I made a lot of effort to be liked and got picked on a lot. I sometimes wonder if my paranoia wasn't in effect even then but from first grad till about tenth, I was disliked by the cool kids. I started thinking people were talking about me in my 20s and at work for instance I would hear muffled conversation and would often hear my name followed by laughter and I would become convinced they were talking about me. Even now, I'm staying at home for the time being and my parents are getting frustrated that I'm not moving along. I hear them talking behind walls and still, I hear my name or make up some comment in the muffled voices.

Also, I was living in a town while fighting szd and felt like the townspeople were making comments as they walked by. It was a small town and I was the outsider so sometimes I wonder if they weren't in fact screwing with me.

I'm embarassed to talk about it but here's my biggest dillema. I became convinced there was a higher consciousness communicating with me through the voices around me. Even though the voices were sometimes rude they were trying to help me "evolve". For a while I kept hearing "Ass hole!" and would try to be less arrogant, which is a fault of mine.

Sometimes I felt like the people were consciously aware of what they were saying but I took it all with a grain of salt. I was seeking allignment and good or bad, all opinions were constructive.

Questionable people.... sometimes I feel like I may be in a place I don't belong. The energy of the crowd is questioning my presence or I brought a bad energy. If I hear comments that appear to suggest I leave, I leave. I am very respectful. If I can't leave I will find a corner and try to blend in until I am less of a spectacle.

It's so hard for me now, I spent years trying to understand this anomalie only to find I am schizoaffective and have been trapped in a delusion. Describing it now, I am tempted to analyze even more.

I hope at least my experience will help others to seek help before it is too late.

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In 11th and 12th grade I was finally accepted into a group of outcasts, freaks, "New Wavers" and I became popular in my group and the rest of the school liked me, even voted me most unique one year, I went on to be lead singer in a band, I managed a night club, I had lots of friends and aquaintences. I still felt anxious and felt I didn't fit in with the normies, the yuppies... Now that I'm older and dont have my freak circle I am back to feeling alone, on the outside. I hope to find a new circle one day, for now I'm trapped in suburbia.

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