Beck Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 Hi all, I've actually been on the boards for a while, but don't post because I don't feel I have anything valuable to add. I did post a few messages on the old board, and I met my best friend because of posting. This is obviously an incredible community, and I figured I should share my story. Even if no one responds, it's good therapy for me. So, here's my somewhat condensed life story. Grew up to a supposedly normal family, ie. no one in jail, no drug abuse, etc. I went through middle school and high school with no friends, and just prayed for the time to be over. Eventually, it was. A new start for me, the beginning of a new life. Only later did I learn that life sucks outside of school, too. Went to three semesters of college, realized I still didn't like school, still couldn't gain any friends, and also realized how intellectually dumb I really was. Finally went to see a Dr. about everything, was diagnosed with depression in a few seconds, and was put on Effexor XR as my first entry into the wonderful world of anti-depressants. I think it maybe helped somewhat, and I eventually got the motivation to start another new life, this one away from home, and it's where I am now. About a year ago, I decided to go off the Effexor, thinking it didn't do much good. After several months of wicked withdrawal symptoms, I got depressed again. Went to see a new Dr., a psychologist and a psychiatrist, where I was immediately diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, and ADD. Drugs have helped my ADD, Prozac and now Lexapro have done nothing for depression or anxiety, and the psychiatrist is unwilling to prescribe any benzo for anxiety. I've been on Buspar, Trazadone, and am taking Seroquel for sleep, but nothing has touched my anxiety. So, new psychiatrist time-tomorrow in fact. New antidepressant for me is a given, and maybe more. Exciting stuff. I guess the real reason I'm posting is that I'm very depressed-in fact, more than I have ever been in my life. Suicidal thoughts are a daily occurence, I seem to be sick with stomach pains constantly, and I am in a very very dark place. Yet, in the past year, I had my first girlfriend, I met my best friend here, I started a good job with some potential, and I think things should be going well. But I want to die. Everything is upsetting me, simple things are taking all of my energy, motivation, and will to live. I feel so lonely and desperate, even though I know there are people that love me, for whatever reason. It just sucks, and I don't want to go on like this. I'm losing patience with hospitals, and everyone around me. And I hate myself most of all. Oh, and the Garden State reference in the title is because it's my favorite movie, and I see myself in the role of the main character of the movie. Medicated and numb to start with, he meets a girl who changes his life, and that's where the similarities end. Instead of being happy with a new start, I'm looking down and only seeing the end of mine. Nearing my 22nd birthday, I know I'm young. But optimism is dwindling, and fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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