Beck Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 Hi all, I've actually been on the boards for a while, but don't post because I don't feel I have anything valuable to add. I did post a few messages on the old board, and I met my best friend because of posting. This is obviously an incredible community, and I figured I should share my story. Even if no one responds, it's good therapy for me. So, here's my somewhat condensed life story. Grew up to a supposedly normal family, ie. no one in jail, no drug abuse, etc. I went through middle school and high school with no friends, and just prayed for the time to be over. Eventually, it was. A new start for me, the beginning of a new life. Only later did I learn that life sucks outside of school, too. Went to three semesters of college, realized I still didn't like school, still couldn't gain any friends, and also realized how intellectually dumb I really was. Finally went to see a Dr. about everything, was diagnosed with depression in a few seconds, and was put on Effexor XR as my first entry into the wonderful world of anti-depressants. I think it maybe helped somewhat, and I eventually got the motivation to start another new life, this one away from home, and it's where I am now. About a year ago, I decided to go off the Effexor, thinking it didn't do much good. After several months of wicked withdrawal symptoms, I got depressed again. Went to see a new Dr., a psychologist and a psychiatrist, where I was immediately diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, and ADD. Drugs have helped my ADD, Prozac and now Lexapro have done nothing for depression or anxiety, and the psychiatrist is unwilling to prescribe any benzo for anxiety. I've been on Buspar, Trazadone, and am taking Seroquel for sleep, but nothing has touched my anxiety. So, new psychiatrist time-tomorrow in fact. New antidepressant for me is a given, and maybe more. Exciting stuff. I guess the real reason I'm posting is that I'm very depressed-in fact, more than I have ever been in my life. Suicidal thoughts are a daily occurence, I seem to be sick with stomach pains constantly, and I am in a very very dark place. Yet, in the past year, I had my first girlfriend, I met my best friend here, I started a good job with some potential, and I think things should be going well. But I want to die. Everything is upsetting me, simple things are taking all of my energy, motivation, and will to live. I feel so lonely and desperate, even though I know there are people that love me, for whatever reason. It just sucks, and I don't want to go on like this. I'm losing patience with hospitals, and everyone around me. And I hate myself most of all. Oh, and the Garden State reference in the title is because it's my favorite movie, and I see myself in the role of the main character of the movie. Medicated and numb to start with, he meets a girl who changes his life, and that's where the similarities end. Instead of being happy with a new start, I'm looking down and only seeing the end of mine. Nearing my 22nd birthday, I know I'm young. But optimism is dwindling, and fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 I liked "Garden State," too. Glad you finally decided to post an introduction. This place is a little crazy (ha ha) sometimes, but overall it's a good place. I've met lots of good friends here myself. ~Sunshine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clumsycrawling Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Hi Beck, I'm glad you finally intro'ed yourself after lurking for so long. You never know when you might find another good friend just by putting yourself out there. But it sounds like the thing you need most right now is some compassion and hope and understanding. I hope your girlfriend is supportive, and I know you can find support here. If you want to see the gamut from near-suicide to crawling out of the hole, check out my thread on the Springer board if you need to see some hope in action. I never thought I would get better, and as recently as 6 weeks ago I was on the brink of suicide, with a plan, just waiting for the opportunity to go through with it (I live with my partner and was rarely alone as she was sort of in charge of my "suicide watch"). But I found the right meds when I found my new, brilliant, wonderful pdoc who never gave up on me. After some trial and error, we very recently hit on a good cocktail. I hope your new pdoc will be able to do the same for you. I advise reading up on drugs on crazymeds & elsewhere, and surfing around the meds board here. Anyone whose favorite movie is Garden State -- well, I just can't believe they're "intellectually dumb," as you called yourself. It sounds like you put together that picture of yourself because you didn't like school and weren't doing well -- but then you say you have ADD. I wonder if the ADD had any impact on your schooling and thus an impact on your self-image as a student. You don't write like a dumb person, so I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you. I've been in that same dark place at least once in every stage of my life since I was 5 (I'm 39 now), including the stage you're in. It's not easy when you're trying to figure out what kind of adult you want to be, to have the hounds of hell nipping at your heels. But it will pass, Beck, I promise. Please don't kill yourself before you get a chance to live. with concern, clumsycrawling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest FrannyNZooey Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Beck~ Hopefully as fast as you felt it dwindled down it will pick up. There are so many great people here, and with very inspirational stories. Some I know you may not be able to relate too, but God they sure make you think, and rethink. I really liked the movie Garden State, for many reasons. Aly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jemini Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Beck -- why do you think you didn't have friends in school? That seems like an important place to start unravelling your depression. Garden State is addictive. I always end up watching it to the end on the telly lately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 Thanks all for the kind responses, they are much appreciated. clumsycrawling, I read the first page of your story, will read more later. It does help very much to see others go through tough times, and then bounce back and keep living. Depression seems like it will let me out of these tough times for moments here and there, but will always pop back up when I'm least expecting it. I guess if I can even beat it sometimes, I'm doing a good job. I think ADD definitely played a factor in school, and feeling dumb was a major factor in my self confidence level, and still is. My giflfriend experiment is actually over, it lasted about a month. It's easy to blame myself for everything that goes wrong, but I'm thinking she wasn't really ready for a relationship when I met her. My family is supportive, maybe not understanding though, and it almost hurts me more when I'm having suicidal thoughts, as I know I'm hurting them too. They don't understand why I'm having these problems, but they care enough to try to help me through it. While in school, I liked to think I didn't have any friends just because I didn't fit in, and the other kids were assholes. I now think it has more to do with my crippling shyness than anything else. It was just so frustrating to have a chance to talk to someone about an interest I had, only for my mind to blank out and give a one word answer as a response. Hard to make a friend when you can't say more than a word to anyone. Yet, if I'm in a structured environment such as work, where I have to talk to the other person and they talk back, I don't have a problem, usually. I want to make friends, then am crippled with anxiety and can't do it, and thus the depression sets in with a heavy dose of loneliness. Repeat this process several times, and all of a sudden I'm avoiding anything I can to not suffer the pain. Of course, this doesn't work, as when Friday and Saturday comes, my loneliness really really hurts. I know I may be hard on myself at times because of depression, but I really didn't have any friends in school, or my brief foray into college. Since middle school to about 5 months ago, I never received a call from a friend, ever. Outside of family, I've never had a birthday party. Sometimes I'm okay with being alone, especially with music, while othertimes the loneliness feels like its killing me. My new pdoc appt. actually went well, I think. He actually seemed to listen to what I had to say, and went from there. Lexapro is gone, replaced with Paxil, and he wrote me a prescription for Klonopin, in addition to Adderall XR and Seroquel. I guess I should feel optimistic about this, especially with the Klonopin as I've wanted to see how I would react to it for a while, but I really don't. Hopefully this will help soon. Thanks all for caring. Beck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest FrannyNZooey Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Beck~ Glad you read somethings that made you feel more connected, or/and more hopeful. We are all are so different here, but one thing we do share is knowing the pain of feeling different. I felt really badly for you while reading about your shyness, and how very crippling painful it was for you. Truly my heart goes out. I had so many times of wanting to hide or die for the shame I felt I brought on by being a complete asshole at times, or so told. Anyway, please keep sharing your story here on your thread, and read others, some will just completely surprise you at random, and others not be what you thought. But it is all that persons story or how much they could or would share so far. And one great thing you did hit on We All really do Care, and Need this place, Aly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa_K Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Hi Beck...I love the movie Garden state, one of my favorites if for no other reason than I relate to the epileptic girl in the movie, her life being interupted by epilepsy, but yet she seems to try and find some sort of 'something' positive' in her life, even though her dreams were dashed. Natalie Portman played a good role...I think. Anyway, Im glad you intro'd yourself...I saw your intro on the old board, but its nice to see you again on this one...Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Thanks all for your thoughts. I've been on Paxil and Klonopin now for three weeks, and I feel a lot better. From day one of Klonopin, every day has seemed like a good day. Things aren't bothering me like before, and the few social interactions I've been a part of have gone well. I think this is the first time that I have true hope for the future, where I've seen a noticeable difference from a drug. I'm taking .5mg two to three times a day, and I don't know if the Paxil (20mg) is working or not-like I said, I've felt good since day 1 of Klonopin. Just thought I'd update y'all-things are looking up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazySoprano Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Hi Beck I love that movie, too. I think the main character is optimistic, but it's clear that he has a lot to get through. So does the girl. I get the impression that they've both decided to work on their issues together. That, and Natalie Portman is beautiful. How come I don't look like that? Not fair! I'm glad things are going well for you with the new pdoc and new meds. Come visit my thread some time. I'm much more active in other people's threads than I am in my own, but I'd really like to get to know you better. You seem cool. I'm young too, by the way. I'll be 24 in a few weeks. Oh, and I'm all about cookies. ~CS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted December 19, 2005 Author Share Posted December 19, 2005 Hey CS, Thanks for your comments, and I like cookies too! I just read part of your thread, will read more later, but see a lot in common with you. I'm in the process of taking my real estate exam for my job (not really what I want to do for a living, but it pays the bills, or at least most of them), and I just failed for the third time on Friday. By one question. Sure it made me depressed, but I think the new meds allow me to realize what things are important, and what things aren't. I think without the Klonopin, I would be sick right now, putting myself down, sleeping a lot, and suicidal. Now I just see that hey, it's only a test, and I can retake it later, and even have a cookie afterwards. My best friend, JBella, saw Garden State after I met her, and she asked me if I model myself after the main character, or if it was just a coincidence how similar we are. So, I'm like that guy in real life. Natalie Portman was great in the movie, and yeah, she is beautiful. Then again with my low self esteem, I pretty much think every girl is beautiful. She's definitely a great actress. Oh, I'll be 22 in 10 days, and was also born in a blizzard. I'll be sure to read more of your story soon. Hi Beck I love that movie, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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