Mim Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I've been sitting in depression for awhile now--I don't know, a couple months maybe. At least since the beginning of February. I'm really angry lately. For about the last week I've just been in this angry place all the time. Everything sets me off. I'm not lashing out, and I've said that I'm not angry at anyone, it's just a steaming internal fountain of bullshit. So there's that at least. My sister has been struggling with mood issues for months now. I think she ought to get her ass into a doctor and try an SSRI, because she's talking about a lot of things that seem pretty familiar to me from here in depression land. I've gone so far as to tell her that, if she did this, the docs would take her seriously, and she might be able to get some support for her own pissiness and general shitty feeling. She has blown me off, which I expected, and by which I am not discommoded. I just don't bring it up anymore. It's her choice, she's an adult. The last two days, she has been whining incessantly: about feeling physically crappy (because she's trading over to the ketogenic diet with me, and we've both got a touch of "keto flu"). About feeling unwilling to do things. About feeling tired. About not wanting to ____ (fill in the blank). She is moping around the house. I swear, I have tried. I offered to bring food. A drink of water. A fizzy something to settle her stomach. To walk to the store and get the couple of things we need. No, no, no, no. She would prefer to sit on the couch and whine and refuse any attempt to help. Typically, I would inwardly roll my eyes and make the right noises, because she is like this when she's ill. Instead, because I'm already irritated, and not feeling particularly well myself (though I have not said so), I'm sitting here seething. Thinking unfair thoughts to myself like "then go to the fucking doctor." And "do you think you're the only person who feels like shit?" And the ever popular loop of "Shut. Up. Shut. Up. Shut. Up." I retreated to my room for a bit to work on a project. She texted me incessantly, finally making a blatant ploy of making a pot of coffee if I'd care to join in, until I got sick of that and came back upstairs. I had a bit of a breather while she and her kidlet took a nap, and now it's back to wall to wall pissing and moaning. I'm being irrational and unsympathetic here. I'm being a bastard. Even though I haven't actually said any of this aloud, because I know these are bastard thoughts, I'm still a jerk. She doesn't feel well, wants to be heard, wants company. I know these things, but I'm still sitting here buzzing in spite of my best efforts to be that person and not be angry. I would love to not be doing this, but my typical anger management techniques appear to stretch a sort of surface tension barrier over the anger, rather than tempering it as they usually do. The first time something happens, I'm right back there. Advice would be, as always, appreciated, but to be honest I'm really just venting (which is hilariously hypocritical of me, I know) in the hopes that perhaps I'll be able to think myself around to a better place, or at least think of a good way to augment my flagging resources here. I know this isn't rational or right, and I'm doing every damn thing I can think of to at least be something like supportive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hagar Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Hey, just struggling to keep yourself above water in depression is exhausting; trying to do it for her too is probably next to impossible. This might be shitty advice, but have you tried opening up to her about your own current struggle? Misery loves company, after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintalto Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 It's good to vent, regardless of how irrational it may or may not be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mim Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 (edited) Hey, just struggling to keep yourself above water in depression is exhausting; trying to do it for her too is probably next to impossible. This might be shitty advice, but have you tried opening up to her about your own current struggle? Misery loves company, after all. Thanks, Hagar. You're right, and I tend to forget that just forcing things tends not to end well for anyone, and I don't necessarily have to try and assume responsibility for her feeling crappy as well as my own. I'm not so good at other people being unwell or feeling poorly in my presence; I tend to assume responsibility or think that it is being perceived as my own fault in some way, and then I turn into a twisted bundle of little nerve wires, and eventually comes the unsolicited advice. ¬_¬ I've said a little bit, but not much. Yesterday, which was pretty much the same thing I just described above, I mentioned in passing that I haven't been feeling well, and that I'll be looking for a new doctor, and she made her patented clucking noise of false sympathy and promptly launched into an anecdote about her kid and his doctor. Today I just said that I was feeling touchy and irritable, so not to mind me if I seem off. Usually I brush her off when she does that, but today I don't know that I could. It's good to vent, regardless of how irrational it may or may not be. Thank you. I appreciate that. Edited April 11, 2014 by Mim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Does your sister see a DR or therapist or anyone? Maybe you can suggest that so she can channel all her negative energy to them and not you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mim Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 (edited) Does your sister see a DR or therapist or anyone? Maybe you can suggest that so she can channel all her negative energy to them and not you. She doesn't--thank you. I haven't even suggested it, based on her reaction to my suggestion that she see a doc to ask about medication for mood. She has nothing against them, but with things like this she doesn't take advice well at all, especially not mine (maybe because I tend to suggest things and she feels patronized, I'm not sure. Asking leads to arguments). I'm trying to avoid the compulsive fixing thing; it's a work in progress. Edited April 11, 2014 by Mim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shesellsseashells Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I don't think you're being irrational, unsympathetic or bastard-like. Being depressed, having the flu and being cooped up with someone who whines and complains for long periods of time would drive me around the bend, too. I wonder if you might get some space from one another? Perhaps leave your phone in another room or turn the sound off so her texting doesn't disturb you when you're in another part of the house? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mim Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 I don't think you're being irrational, unsympathetic or bastard-like. Being depressed, having the flu and being cooped up with someone who whines and complains for long periods of time would drive me around the bend, too. I wonder if you might get some space from one another? Perhaps leave your phone in another room or turn the sound off so her texting doesn't disturb you when you're in another part of the house? Thanks. I mean to take some space to myself this evening. I haven't tried the shower distraction yet, so I may do that, and spend some time chilling. I could leave my phone on the table when I go...that's a good idea. I forget I don't always have to have the damn thing with me. I'm forever accidentally forgetting it places, and it never bothers me. Go figure. Even half an hour or forty-five minutes would go a long way toward helping, I think. I'll crack a book. I did make myself something nice to eat, and putting it together and sitting down to it improved my disposition a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crtclms Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Depressed people can be really awful to live with. Even if you are familiar with what she is suffering. I know I'm a pain in the ass when I am sick, and I try to tone it down, but, well, I'm sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mim Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 Depressed people can be really awful to live with. Even if you are familiar with what she is suffering. I know I'm a pain in the ass when I am sick, and I try to tone it down, but, well, I'm sick. Yeah, exactly--thank you. That's why I've been trying to keep my own shitty attitude to myself, haha. Today seems to be going a little better so far, for us both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimako Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I don't have any advice but I can commiserate. My DH is a flaming depressed sack of shit when he's sick who won't take anything, go the doctor, even just try to do anything. Yep, he's depressed. Yep, he's sick. I still want to fucking kick his ass right out the door screaming obsenities. Because reasons. I think you're a saint for putting up with it and controlling your anger. Internalizing isn't the greatest feeling but it's still control. Or that's what I tell myself pretty much every day because I work in IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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