OliverB Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) Hi; I have been missdiagnosed with many different problems during my childhood (My mother like liying). Now I am just non-social and a little obsessive (autistic-like). I cannot allow people to emotionaly connect with me (I can't trust them, I am not spontaneous in social relationship, I perceive people as dangerous); and of course, I have no personal-intimate relationship (No friends, no family...). I am almost always angry, full of hatred, and eager to be loved and protected -just a little-, though, academically I am brilliant -My only friends are Philosophers, Numbers and Writers...eheeh, I like reading- The nex year I will be free, and maybe I would get help for these problems. As I always post: "Many times I have believed that I had no rights, obviously not consciously. Simply, I had normalized the situation so much that I perceived it as deserved and normal. I didn't feel like a person, I didn't feel human, I didn't feel that I deserved anything kind or lovely; I thought that I was pure scum, part of the waste of the world, without more right than to breath; I remember to think that it was fair to not have any kind of affection, to not have company, to have to hide in the closet and cry to nobody -Becausethere was nobody to cry to-; I remember to think that it was true that I was a monster, despicable, evil and repugnant. I only existed to be hit, I only existed to be shouted, to be harassed and to be used as a punching bag.In the end, I didn't feel anything, I feel without life, without a soul inside. Everything was unreal; even my mind was unreal, I wasn't inside my head, I wasn't real, I don't know where I am, I don't know if I am alive -Orif I am death-Feelings choke me, they become a cumulus of pain in my throat, I suffer them, one by one, and I don't identify them clearly. Normaly I have no memory, as I don't have identity, as I didn't be a person. I don't identify with an image or idea, I don't have a self-concept.I am nothing. Nonexistent" The medical examiner that was there when I went to the police station, and then, to the court, just said that I lived in panic, distress and anxiety, that I may have something like a trauma-response problem. Bye. Edited April 14, 2014 by Bixo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arielburns Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) So bugs are insects and not the other way around, correct? I was thinking that being a bug might interfere a bit with your feelings of security, also maybe feeling a bit misunderstood? Well, Bixo, we need to count all fingers and toes (legs) before any kind of trauma based etiology is assessed. I'm sensing your photo is cover. There is only hope in surviving minute to minute, my opinion. Good to meet you, I hope you have a tolerable day. A Edited April 14, 2014 by arielburns Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix_Rising Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Hello Bixo and welcome to Crazyboards! If you haven't already done so, please take a few minutes to read the User Agreement. Please don't hesitate to contact a staff member if you have any questions or concerns. Looking forward to seeing you on the Boards! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OliverB Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 Well, Bixo, we need to count all fingers and toes (legs) before any kind of trauma based etiology is assessed. I'm sensing your photo is cover. For me, now is clear. How would I trust people if no one has never believed me? How would I trust people if people that I should trust just lie and think that I am a monster? How would I socialize if they made me think that I was undesirable and despicable? When I was a child, I didn't want to play with others because I thought that I would bother them, I really believed that I was evil and a bad kid, and I didn't want to be annoying or to damage other kids with my "nastiness". I remembered a teacher that was kind with me (I was around 8 years old), I deseprately try to please her, because I was afraid that she started hating me as my mother did. I wanted to ask her to be my mother, though I knew that It was a bad idea. I gave her my drawings and told her my ideas and games (I liked creating new games, even if nobody played with me), at my house it was impossible, I was shouted, threatened and insulted if I did that (Because to show my achievements was to be "nasty, egocentric, narcissits") Now I am better, I am older and I can emotionaly bear the situation, even if I am not happy. When I have peace, this "void" desappear and I start feeling again. I behave more appropriately (I am not agressive or violent, as when I was a kid). I think that if someone kind appear, and that someone is trustful, I would be able to talk and feel confortable. Moreover, sometimes I don't talk because I am afraid of having more troubles here, so I will wait to be far (Here--->In my house) So bugs are insects and not the other way around, correct? I was thinking that being a bug might interfere a bit with your feelings of security, also maybe feeling a bit misunderstood? There is only hope in surviving minute to minute, my opinion. Good to meet you, I hope you have a tolerable day. A I am not sure. Bugs are little and weird animal, right? So, every insect is a bug, not all bugs are insect (A spider is a bug, I think) Yeah, I feel misunderstood and helpless. Survive may be... Continue fighting and making constant efforts. Even If I don't feel confident, I have a confident nature, so I act as I felt, and then, improve. I am not a child anymore, I am not so easy to subdue. Thanks. Hello Bixo and welcome to Crazyboards If you haven't already done so, please take a few minutes to read the User Agreement. Please don't hesitate to contact a staff member if you have any questions or concerns. Looking forward to seeing you on the Boards! Thanks. "Basically, if you're a bigger asshole than any of our moderators, you're a jerk." Ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I/we struggle with trust here, too. And also have someone who feels that she's a maggot. So yeah. I get that. Welcome to CB. I hope that you can find the support that you need both here and elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo 'n dye Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I am sure to have an "ear bug" from Bixo...but it will be a musical one, not a coconut bug. O bixo do coco entro en minha casa E minha cabeza puxose a abalar O bixo do coco entro en minha casa Levouse toda minha ilusion Levouse os cartos, levouse a mulher Deixo tormenta, nada de comer O bixo do coco entro en minha casa Mirome a os olhos, e a meiga falo Cuando a cabeza fode Hasta ya reventar Cuando a cabeza fode O bixo vai pegar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OliverB Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) I/we struggle with trust here, too. And also have someone who feels that she's a maggot. So yeah. I get that. Welcome to CB. I hope that you can find the support that you need both here and elsewhere. Thanks. Where should I post if I need to tell something about past or present issues? (Mistreatment stuff. When I hear my father voice I get like frozen, then I get angry and I start feeling hatred. He used to pretend to be nice when there was more people, when I was alone with him it was pretty different) I don't have any official diagnosis right now. I am sure to have an "ear bug" from Bixo...but it will be a musical one, not a coconut bug. O bixo do coco entro en minha casa E minha cabeza puxose a abalar O bixo do coco entro en minha casa Levouse toda minha ilusion Levouse os cartos, levouse a mulher Deixo tormenta, nada de comer O bixo do coco entro en minha casa Mirome a os olhos, e a meiga falo Cuando a cabeza fode Hasta ya reventar Cuando a cabeza fode O bixo vai pegar Is that portuguese? or is it another similar language? XD I can understand it I think that I can translate it: A coconut bug entered into my house And my head started to ache (pain?) Taking away all my hope Taking away the money, taking away my wife It left a storm, nothing to eat .... Edited April 14, 2014 by Bixo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanderk Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Look for Manu Chao. His lyrics are often Catalan/Basque or Portugese. You could say this song is about head lice, if a very literal translation. Cool artist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo 'n dye Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 The translation I am most familiar with : The coconut bug entered my house And my head started to shake The coconut bug entered my house And took with it all my illusions Took with it all the "cartos", took with it my wife It left torment, nothing to eat The coconut bug entered my house Looked me in the eyes, and the gentle one spoke When the head gets fucked up Until it's already exploding When the head gets fucked up The bug comes and gets it The coconut bug entered my house And my head started to shake The coconut bug entered my house And took with it all my illusions Took with it all the "cartos", took with it my wife It left torment, nothing to eat The coconut bug entered my house Looked me in the eyes, and the gentle one spoke When the head gets fucked up Until it's already exploding When the head gets fucked up The bug comes and gets it Coconut bug sent me to kill Coconut bug sent me to prison Coconut bug cancelled/compromised liberty Coconute bug left "maquelado" The coconut bug entered my house And took with it all my illusions Took with it all the "cartos", took with it my wife It left torment, nothing to eat The coconut bug entered my house Looked me in the eyes, and the gentle one spoke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I guess it depends what you want to talk about. PTSD and trauma is about trauma. I tend to post in NOS (not otherwise specified) when I'm not sure where else to post. Staff can move posts, as well, if we feel that a topic on say, therapy, is better suited to the "therapy" section than wherever else it's been put. We'll usually ask for permission first. You can always point out your reasoning for putting somewhere where it is. We try to be rather flexible. You could make a blog if you want to simply tell your story. The blog community is quite active (although you'll get more comments if you comment on others') and you can make it as public or private as you like. There's also chat, if you're into that sort of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OliverB Posted April 14, 2014 Author Share Posted April 14, 2014 I guess it depends what you want to talk about. PTSD and trauma is about trauma. I tend to post in NOS (not otherwise specified) when I'm not sure where else to post. Staff can move posts, as well, if we feel that a topic on say, therapy, is better suited to the "therapy" section than wherever else it's been put. We'll usually ask for permission first. You can always point out your reasoning for putting somewhere where it is. We try to be rather flexible. You could make a blog if you want to simply tell your story. The blog community is quite active (although you'll get more comments if you comment on others') and you can make it as public or private as you like. There's also chat, if you're into that sort of thing. Thanks, I have created a blog and a topic. I feel less lost now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo 'n dye Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 ... head lice... Ah, how did I miss this earlier. YES, LOL, head lice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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