Actually, I Was Hoping You'd Tell Me That.

[ЯСошлоСУма]

For those of you wondering, my username is pronounced "Yah sah-SHLUH SOO-mah", but as stated in my siggy, you can call me Ty. *stops to cackle at all the people that don't get it and are pronouncing it wrong in their heads*

 

You will quickly discover that I like being ambiguous, which is funny, because I also like being blunt. What can I say, I'm chaotic neutral. BITCH I DO WUT I WANT 

 

I'm also Discordian, so that fits right in. As stated in my profile page, I'm not yet ready to handle close relationships. In more blunt terms, I came here to talk, not to make friends. I'm not yet diagnosed with anything and am on no medication, but as a Know Nothing Know It All and a bad bad kitty, I have rubbed the DSM all over my body like so much molten chocolate until it coughed up "Schizoaffective- Bipolar Type". For those that are curious (get ready to read Charles Dickens):

I've always known I was different and all that good crap. However, it's hard to tell why- I have multiple things that genuinely make me different (genius level intelligence, hyperlexia, dyscalculia, Sensory Processing Disorder, being a Highly Sensitive Person [you know we artsy types], being raised by gargoyles; typical kid stuff). At least by the age of 4, I had developed the traits of grudge bearing, not being able to throw things away (my sister called me a trash digger for a good reason), and indifference to praise and criticism. Like Gosalyn Mallard, I have never cleaned my room (MAYBE 4 times total), and it gets very, very junky and trashy in no time.

 

Around the age of 7 or 8, I developed a paranoid delusion and flighty visual hallucinations. It was also at this age that I developed a euphoric mood (with no irritability) and grandiosity. The psychosis ended not too long afterwards. Around the age of 10, I added distractability and psychomotor agitation to this list. This is also the age where my life went to hell- my still undiagnosed dyscalculia reared its bastard head and my mother retracted her love. If you're imagining a confused child that can't understand why it can't do well in school like it used to and srsly WTF is happening here, you'd be correct. I don't remember the exact year (I'm pretty sure I was 13, but I could have been 11; I just know I wasn't 12), but I got to say "hi" to a grandiose delusion, and I became hypersexual at 11 (thank Eris it was confined to stuffing my hand down my pants [and around 14, whatever non-penis object that would fit in my vagina that you're supposed to ignore]). I began to pull away due to paranoid ideation that I still have- started staying in the house. It subsided, along with the euphoria around 14. For that year, hypomania wouldn't be incorrect, as I was happier than I should have been for someone nearly flunking out of school and basically being told they're worthless shit by the only parent they've ever known, but w/e.

 

At 15, I went through a second round of hell. The shit hit the fan, and boy did it hit hard and get everywhere. My mood changed to only irritability with daily cycling (starting out irritable, going almost to euphoria around lunch time, then crashing into crippling depression around bedtime). I also developed still undiagnosed Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome and Restless Legs Syndrome, so my nights were filled with involuntary and unwanted flashbacks, plotting, ruminating, feeling like my legs were going to implode if I didn't keep moving them, and wishing it was 2:00 AM so I'd fall asleep already. I consistently went on 4 hours of sleep (no wonder I was so batshit back then), and although it would have killed most people, I was still able to go (not read: function- I was surviving, but not thriving). The fact that I was able to go at all and even become euphoric around mid-day on only 4 hours of sleep speaks volumes, diagnosis be damned. I also developed auditory hallucinations (different varieties- sometimes a bunch of different people all at once, sometimes singing, sometimes hearing a TV or radio, etc) and stopped bathing- I'd just wash my hair in the tub faucet.

 

I began talking and thinking faster. It was also around this time that my speech became peculiar- I started using phrases wrong and being grammatically weird, something I still do. I also became suspicious and pretty much that weird kid that only their friends can appreciate. At this point, I was (and still am) easily startled. On top of that and the flashbacks, I began avoiding anything and everything that could remind me of whatever the flashbacks were. I had amassed 4 symptoms of mania and was psychotic- however, there was more under the hood.

 

I didn't know the term "dysphoric mania" until relatively recently, but that was what I had that I mistook for depression (because it sure as hell felt like it). I felt empty and hopeless, crying just about every night (but then, I felt that way because I wasn't getting the love and support from my family that I needed, and I was severely oppressed in my own home. I was not allowed to have an opinion, feelings, emotions, possessions, or even autonomy. I shouldn't get into it lest I get into a homicidal mood because I don't feel like doing that right now). I was fatigued from the lack of sleep and understandably had no sense of empathy (except for my friends), which led me to hurting innocent animals, most of which I regret deeply (Rusty, no. He deserved it, the little bastard. Bite ME when I try to pet you for the first time and haven't done anything to you? I'll show you...). The others, I didn't know I was hurting because I was either playing too roughly or too meanly and didn't realize they didn't like it/were scared, or because I had a warped idea of what I was doing (like holding one cat hostage to make it like me. Yeah, that worked REAL well). I also had a mostly flattened affect from not being allowed to show emotion, something that manifests today as constricted affect. I also sliced myself up for a while (I can't really say I cut because I never broke the skin, but I did like the feeling of the blade on it, and it did leave cut marks [it was a thick patch of skin on my hand]. Also, that was influenced, so I don't count it since it wasn't organic). There were fleeting delusions at this time.

 

After I graduated, all the stress calmed down, including the majority of the abuse. However, I switched between my grandmother's house and my mother's house depending on who pissed me off more at the time, and to this day it remains a "lesser evils" thing, although I live with my grandmother for her health and safety because I'm apparently more of a wiener than I thought. XD The one thing I now notice as I'm typing this is that while it can't be considered euphoria, I was okay in mood at my mother's house (probably because we're similar and she also went to work and I had the house to myself for a while) and am completely irritable here at my grandmother's (for one thing she's more sociable, but even locking myself away isn't helping that any and I have no idea why). However, I stopped hygiene almost completely, with hygiene becoming a dressing up routine (or else because the trailer had a detachable shower head and I could fit my fat ass under the tub faucet at the house, hint hint). I have also developed ideas and beliefs that I can now see people calling "ideas of reference " and "odd", although to me they aren't.

 

I'm heavily into the occult, and frankly my life hasn't done much to disprove my methods. One of my "odd" beliefs that can be said to have "ideas of reference" is for years, I felt like I was being told to wait on getting a life. I didn't, and I went out and got a job. That lasted all of 3 months and cumulated in me being completely incompetent at it and quitting because I was framed for taking $50 from the till, only to find out that 4/5 managers were corrupt (and the 5th one hated me anyways). That went down in flames. I still felt like I was being told to wait, and I didn't understand why. I was getting impatient and feeling like I was making excuses. Then my grandmother fell in 2011 becoming bedridden and home health care, and I was literally the only one available (or willing) to take the job. We can't afford more than one sitter, so I take 16 hour shifts with one sitter coming in the morning (6:00 AM bedtime getting up at 2:00 PM DSPS FTW) to relieve me. Yes, I do feel like this is what I was supposed to be waiting for, and I feel like we're being tested. By what or whom is irrelevant, and I feel like I'm the only one passing for reasons I don't recall at the moment (migraine and trying to stay on topic while I remember what I'm trying to say). 

 

All of that was beside the point. When I was 19, my second youngest cat died a horrible death to kidney failure from kidney disease. Yay, a second round of PTSD! Cue flashbacks and freaking out around every holiday and on her deathiversary every year since. Still angry; still don't understand; still nearly collapse, shaking and crying too hard to breathe, making my chest hurt, just like I did that day. Also causes minor freak outs when other cats get sick. She's buried over here next to the dogwood, and I'm going to dread having to give up her grave when the state takes the house. Well, at least I still have some of her hair to give her a partial grave when I finally can get a place of my own, though it won't be the same. 

 

Not to mention that we can now add increase in goal directed activity, starting a bunch of things 6/7 years ago that I STILL have not finished to this day. Part of that reason is because I have the tendency to "ragequit" and completely scrap something and start over (good thing I had to stop playing the Sims 2, because this computer was sick of having to reinstall it!)- my perfectionism gets in the way. I also tend to plan and organize to the point I never do the actual activity. I've also had unusual perceptions for all these years (feeling like there's a bug on me, or a cat is walking on my bed when there's not one, etc). I also occasionally dipped into a major depressive episode lasting at most one or two days. I also tend to be paranoid under stress. At this point, I've stopped having Restless Legs Syndrome and moved into having Restless Vagina (That You're Supposed To Ignore) Syndrome. Goody! > My tendency to masturbate at least once a day (sometimes up into the double digits) didn't help, though I didn't know that at the time.

 

Lately, I've added insomnia to that list- on top of having DSPS, I can't even get to sleep at my already delayed bedtime. It's back to 4 hours of sleep and flighty visual hallucinations for me. The fact that I was psychotic a few years before having an official mood episode (one that I now know is a mixed episode, or dysphoric mania) places it in Schizoaffective- Bipolar type instead of Bipolar with Psychotic Features. I've been labile (okay, yes, with Borderline traits BUT ONLY TRAITS DAMN IT ALL) for the last three years, but then again, I get interrupted every time I JUST start something or am THIS close to finishing it, and that pisses me off...

 

And I'm pretty sure I've forgotten something as usual. XP 

 

PS: The cartoon characters I'm most like are Danger Duck (Loonatics Unleashed) and Quackerjack (Darkwing Duck) with some Megavolt (also Darkwing Duck) for added fuckery. It's like if Danger had Quackerjack's disorder (minus the euphoria) and Megavolt's memory. (The funny thing is I'm pretty sure Danger is Borderline himself, which I deny being, and yet I'm almost exactly like him... yeah, I've been pondering it myself, but symptomology doesn't match and my motivations are different from a Borderline. I think QJ might be Bipolar I despite missing one criteria of mania just off a bunch of off-topic technicalities [mostly that psychosis cannot be hypomania and that if we didn't witness it it doesn't exist meaning his psychosis and mood disturbance occurred at the same time], although Other Bipolar Disorder isn't off the table for him.)

 

Told you it'd be a long post. XD  And now, I r teh poopt, and I runz away nao.

[jt07]

Welcome aboard!

 

Я рад, что Вы нас нашли.

[WinterRosie]

HI. Welcome to Crazyboards

We ask that everyone read the Rules (link found in bottom-right corner) to get a feel for things. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns about them or anything else feel free to ask the staff.

 

While not a dischordian myself I do appreciate the use of dischordian tactics on occasion and I definitely keep it in my toolbag of tricks.

I also had to delete the Sims because it was just becoming too much of an issue. Moving on to Skyrim didn't really solve the problem.

 

Looking forward to seeing your posts around. 

[olga]

Welcome to the asylum!

 

olga

[Phoenix_Rising]

Welcome to the Boards!

[amialone48]

Welcome to CrazyBoards!

[Sloane]

Ty,

 

We have several (if not most what you describe) in common. Some of the differences however is the abuse, and the fact that I was medicated throughout the hysteria.

 

I do want to forewarn you though; be careful with the self diagnosis; to which I attempted to count but lost motivation at seven. And I mean that with the greatest sincerity and concern. Every folly from a different thinker can be seen as a disorder, or at least a symptom of sort. ¹ Leave the diagnosing to a doctor, ² and see a doctor. I know you have been, and are going through great suffering (hell, if I may). However many disorders (which may require different kinds of treatment) intersect and intertwine, such as Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality as yourself suggest. To which finding the perpetrator for your symptoms, and treatment plan, requires testing and opinion from a trained professional eye.

 

My best regards, and good luck. As well, welcome...

Sloane