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Homeless friend living with me, situation gone bad

Mimsy

By Mimsy,
in People Suck!

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Mimsy

Mimsy

Posted
Posted

Let me preface this by saying that I feel like a huge fucking moron for this. So if that's what you're thinking, don't worry, I already know. I have this online friend who got fired after moving away from home for this job, leaving him essentially homeless. So I suggested staying at my place until he could get a job and his own place as an option. I wasn't super sure about the whole thing in the first place, as we had never met in real life. In talking about this whole plan beforehand, I asked if he had any chemical abuse problems, because I knew that was something I probably couldn't deal with. I found out the second night he was here that he is an alcoholic. Not super happy that he lied to me, but we talked about it a bit, how I wasn't going to be buying him alcohol or keeping it around the house. He seemed receptive, so I felt a bit better. I'd been getting increasingly uncomfortable because he hadn't showered at all while he's been here, and he got here on Sunday. Doesn't help that I'm kind of fixated on personal hygiene. So I got home last night and he was drunk and started saying stuff like he had manipulated me into letting him stay here and how depressed he is. Now, I am all for trying to help people with mental health issues, so I kept trying to talk him through it, give him treatment options and advice and stuff since I've been through the hospital system here myself, and it's actually a pretty good system. But he doesn't want treatment and he doesn't think there is a cure for him (his words) and basically doesn't want to get better because he's tried it before and it doesn't work. So I'm pretty much like 'there's nothing I can do if you don't want to help yourself' and after asking him to please shower, I go to bed. Important to know that I have a small apartment that is starting to smell really bad. After thinking about it today, I know I am starting to feel really uncomfortable and I have a really bad gut feeling about him that I never get so I am starting to feel unsafe. And I'm not comfortable with him destroying himself in my apartment, which is also pretty triggering for me. And now I don't know what to do because I don't want him to be homeless and I want him to be safe. But at the same time this is turning into a really bad situation for me. Sorry about the huge text post. You guys are always super nice about listening to my problems, so I thank you.

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water

water

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So sorry!!!

 

Get him out. YOu have to take care of yourself.

This is a dangerous situation. 

I am sure others will give better details, but you have done MORE than enough.

 

If you do not save yourself there will be no one left to save others. :-}

 

be safe. find help. use friends, family, public agencies will help for free. get him out safely and quickly.

 

You can do it. YOu already know you want to. which is why you posted this thread!

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water

water

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It's your place and if you're not comfortable, then he had to go. It sounds like he's taking advantage of your generosity by lying and breaking rules. If you want you can direct him to a men's shelter but you don't have to be responsible for him.

Great idea. Do it tonight.

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Stickler

Stickler

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I second getting physical backup for the eviction-either friends or cops.  He might get violent, and he'll surely get annoying and whiny.

 

I feel sorry for him myself, and am a big sucker for hard-luck cases too...But were it my place and my couch, I'd toss his stinky ass.

Edited by Stickler
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Crayforme

Crayforme

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I was in a homeless situation for a bit but was able to get  myself out fairly quickly with the help of social services. There are services out there for him, a shelter would help him get services like a place to sleep, food, clothes and unemployment. He has to want to do something about it though and getting drunk is not gonna fly with these people to help him. What really kicked me in the ass was actually having nowhere to go, this woke me up to do something, this might be what he needs. I would get him out quickly and don't hesitate to call the police, if he isn't violent then they can direct him to help, if he is then a jail cell might wake him up to reality. BE SAFE.

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Mimsy

Mimsy

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Thank you for your responses, it's nice not feeling like I'm a total asshole for wanting to move him out.  I think I'm going to research shelters that he can go to so I at least feel like I can help him a little.  Sometimes I need to remember that it's not my job to take care of everyone else.  I did ask a friend if she would be here when I ask him to leave, and she said she'd help.  I want to think that I can hold out longer and give him another chance, and make it clear that if I come home to him drunk again he'll have to leave.  But honestly, this has caused me so much anxiety already and I can feel myself getting more depressed (especially considering I tried to go without eating today).  Also, I got home and he still hasn't showered.  This is going to take a lot of courage and resolve, so thank you for helping me get through it.

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water

water

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Thank you for your responses, it's nice not feeling like I'm a total asshole for wanting to move him out.  I think I'm going to research shelters that he can go to so I at least feel like I can help him a little.  Sometimes I need to remember that it's not my job to take care of everyone else.  I did ask a friend if she would be here when I ask him to leave, and she said she'd help.  I want to think that I can hold out longer and give him another chance, and make it clear that if I come home to him drunk again he'll have to leave.  But honestly, this has caused me so much anxiety already and I can feel myself getting more depressed (especially considering I tried to go without eating today).  Also, I got home and he still hasn't showered.  This is going to take a lot of courage and resolve, so thank you for helping me get through it.

 

Mimsy, say these words like a mantra over and over,

 

No More Chances, No More Chances, No More Chances.

 

This is a situation about to erupt and you are being emotionally abused by this man without realizing how much he is controlling you.

 

He needs to leave right now.

 

Print out this post and show it to everyone you know now. then call the local mens shelter and find out what to do.

 

Leave your home and leave him there.

Stay at a friends.

Have him leave while you are not AT your home.

Do this now, please.

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Stickler

Stickler

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Dunno if it will erupt, but yeah, there's some potential here for some seriously nasty shit to happen to you.

 

I think Water's advice is probably the best and safest way to play this.

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JustDucky

JustDucky

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I am such a " caretaker " personality I have found myself in situations like this on many occasions. I just have to remind myself I didn't cause the problem and I can't fix the problem and that I can be interfering in people getting better by me taking care and them not learning a damn thing. I would get rid of him before a court can say he is entitled to protection under a landlord situation.

When I find myself in these situations I try so very hard to remember that I can be of service without endangering myself my home or my sanity

Be well! Take care of yourself .... That's really the only person you can control

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Phoenix_Rising

Phoenix_Rising

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation when all you wanted to do was be kind.

 

He does have to go.  Its not healthy for him either.  He needs to take care of himself.  I'm glad that you have a friend that can be there with you.  I am concerned for your safety.

 

I think giving him a list of local shelters is a very good idea.  Then give him cab fare (if you feel you need to) and send him on his way.  You will feel SO much better when its all done.

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shesellsseashells

shesellsseashells

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Others have already given lots of great advice, but I just wanted to quickly mention something that jumped out at me while I was reading: while you have tried to be a friend to this individual, he has not done the same for you.  This person is not really your friend.  I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

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Catnapper

Catnapper

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And if he has a key, get the locks changed.  It makes me worried just thinking about it, and I hope you can get this guy to leave without any drama.  You have done way more than most people would, especially since this guy was an online friend. 

 

I second the idea about having other people there when you tell him to leave.  Someone else suggested not being there when he leaves, but I think you should be there (with others for support) to make sure he doesn't take anything, or tear anything up as a way to get back at you.  Good luck, sending good vibes your way.

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Mimsy

Mimsy

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Thank you so much for the advice, everyone.  I got my dad to come with me today (after hiding at a friend's house all day) and I told him that it wasn't going to work out, that it was too harmful for me, basically.  He was very nice about it, said I had nothing to apologize for.  My dad called a local shelter and they said they wouldn't have an opening until Monday, so we drove him to a hotel and put him up for the next two nights.  Now I am airing out my apartment.  He texted me again to wish me the best and again say that I shouldn't beat myself up over it, and said something that basically translates to "not finding much of a reason to live right now," but I will absolutely call 911 on him if he tells me he's going to do anything.  Thanks for helping me through this, I feel so much better now.

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madrigal

madrigal

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I suspect that this man has done things like this before; not on purpose, mind you, but because it has become a pattern with him. I am glad that you got him out.  He is a adult who has to find his own way.  Good on you for taking a stand!

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Catnapper

Catnapper

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Glad your dad was able to help, I was worried, but it sounds like it went as smoothly as possible.  And you get lots of extra brownie points for putting him in a hotel for a couple of nights - that's more then lots of people would have done.  Hopefully the shelter will be able to get him some treatment for his alcohol problems.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guzzi

Guzzi

Posted
Posted

You are a lot better person than me.You have done your good deeds for the whole year.I have been almost calling the police on my on 17 yo son and his so called friends at my house.The last 2 days I have threatened to call cops because they are doing illegal things on my property.When I go out with my phone they look like cockroaches when you turn the lights on,they scatter to their cars and zoom away.I am going to end up calling the cops on them,they have been abusing me for awhile as I have difficulty walking to the back yard where they hide.I hate to put my own son in jail, but I have already hired a lawyer for him 3 times.He still is facing a felony weapons charge.You are a very kindhearted person,but don't let people take advantage of that.I am glad you got the freeloader out.

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InRecovery

InRecovery

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I fantasized a few times about trying to help someone out who needed a place to stay and backed out at the last minute...

 

Partially, I live alone in an apartment so I am lonely, I also would like to try to do my part on some level to help people in need.

 

While alcoholism is a serious problem, and I have not drank more than 10 or 20 times in the last 4 years, I did have a drinking buddy for 7 years and never felt unsafe with him, and felt he supported me, despite it being a dysfunctional friendship based around alcohol abuse. My point is, while alcohol can ruin people's lives/friendships/relationships, I would prefer dealing with an alcoholic than someone who partook in other drugs personally. Of course each case/person is different. And I am not condoning alcohol abuse as I know how dangerous/addictive it can be.

 

I am glad he is gone, and it was great you tried to help him initially...

 

I honestly, if I felt someone helped me/uplifted me and genuinely cared about me, and they happened to be homeless, I may actually want to live with someone like that... as opposed to the alternative which is me sitting home alone in front of the T.V...

 

but finding people like that who are dependable and are genuine is extremely hard if they are in a desperate situation...

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