Hi, I am kitties. I am a newbie here, but not to illness. I have chronic pain 24/7 in my back and neck.
Mentally....here are my diagnoses (got a second and third opinion....all objective and a consensus of the exact same diagnoses.)
Bipolar 1 with psychosis, extreme, treatment resistant, rapid cycling. Mixed features predominant. Never had a remission to date...just a couple of weeks with my bipolar disorder. “Normal” for a few weeks a couple of times per year. No anxiety remission.
OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, PTSD...I think that is everything. Oh, I am significantly affected by a very strong dose of agoraphobia stemming from my PTSD and Panic Disorder.
I have a great psychiatrist and I e been in treatment with him a since 2006. I had a great therapist that had a co-transference issue and I ultimately ended my therapy with him. I have tried four therapists since firing the aforementioned therapist - but I unfortunately have lost faith in the process.
I am a night owl by nature and it has really ramped up since being declared disabled in 2009/SSDI/cannot work. I struggle with having a “routine,” although I have read that one with bipolar disorder tends to be more stable with a routine. I’m easily overstimulated so I like the quiet and darkness..
I know I have an eating disorder (anorexia, restricting type), but I politely yet firmly said I have had “eating issues” but I have no desire to “go there.” My psychiatrist respects that although I am subject to a monthly weigh-in and I self-manage it.
I am currently relapsing right now, unfortunately. But, I have had it for so many years that I know at what weight my body and mind take a turn for the worst. And I have to rein it back in and stop losing (meaning eat more). I’ll never seek treatment as the recovery model, IMO, is ridiculous. Kudos to those that have been able to “recover.”
I take a bunch of meds, mainly psych meds
I like to read, Enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. Internet. I like learning things, I am currently and reading up on world history (pre-USA). I keep up with psychology and sociology.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
I'm so fucking tired of this damn war on drugs. The persecution of doctors and even pharmacists (YES - PHARMACISTS are losing their licences in FL for filling "too many" 100% legit scripts - not forgeries, but by doctors with active DEA credentials appropriately medicating -- not some crazy ass amount of oxycodone or worse). It leaves people like me, in chronic hard-core pain (that's only gotten worse) crying in bed from the pain. Doctors are too afraid to treat their patients.
Meanwhile.. it's all about the poor, innocent, helpless victims of a world where pain meds exist and they've gone out of their way to get shit illegally - over -and over - and over again in order to feed a habit rather than face up to their internal demons. And it's a DISEASE. REALLY? REALLY? FUCK THAT SHIT! It's a CHOICE. Mental issues and a physical predisposition exists, but taking one damn 5mg hydrocodone does not make someone an addict for life and take free will out of one's control.
People are dying from Fentanyl made to look like other shit. Well, it is an illegal drug market about money and regular deaths when dealers get pissed off. What the hell do you really expect. Yet they're the "Victims". No. Victims don't make consistent choices over the course of months or even years to do something they're fully aware of the consequences of and decide they don't care and would rather be high and risk it. And still continue to risk it, knowing it's on the market. What do they do - buy test strips. It's like personal responsibility no longer exists. Probably because politicians sons and daughters are getting addicted. It couldn't possibly be the environment they were raised in, or that they have personal issues -- nope, it's gotta be caused by some evil in the shadows that came after their poor, innocent children and hurt them.
You don't become an addict overnight and you don't get over it overnight. It's a long slow process made up of many choices. People aren't so idiotic that they don't know what that choice they're making is. Noo.. addiction is all about the drugs being there; whereas, mental illness is a conscious personal failing you should just be able to magically get over & not doing so is a choice.
I just saw a neurologist. He said I'd just have to live with the pain cause I've been on all the psych meds.. and throwing opiates at it isn't a reasonable thing. ...... Yet, after all the psych meds that were never developed to handle fibromyalgia.. the OFFICIAL medication treatment guideline says : OPIATES. And the really sad thing is - it works for mine.
Honestly, .. I've thought about going and buying the fake shit that's actually fentanyl, dissolving it in two quarts (or even gallons) of liquid, and dosing it in tsp. Actually seems pretty damn cost effective considering the price of medications. I'm not going to do it. There's probably other shit in there that'll mess with my MI chemistry/meds too. But I considered it.
This system is fucked.
You find yourself beating your shoulder with a household hammer at 5am just to try to get some relief so you can sleep.
(Share your ridiculous attempts at easing the suffering. We've all been there...might as well get a head shake and a hear hear out of it.
I like to animate mine with quick sketches. ..because it soothes my mind, even if my body won't catch on...where's my hammer...)
bipolar 2 + chronic undiagnosable stomach pain EXISTS. there are many forums posts of other hopeless people, ignored by doctors. mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants do NOTHING for the pain. cannabis helps but some bipolar folk cannot handle weed, nor is it socially acceptable to be stoned all day. gabapentin helps a little more than whisky or valium. only opiates work...as far as i know. even a small dose of opiates goes a long way. this condition turns people into heroin addicts because doctors won't prescribe opiates. suboxone/buprenorphine does very little for the pain.
KURT COBAIN had the exact same condition!! he killed himself because he had a personality disorder and wanted to be an "eternal" "authentic" generational icon, not because of opiates, in my opinion
Google Doc told me yesterday that the complete loss of appetite i've experienced for months now is in fact part of the whole Diabetes package. It's been almost 25 years since diagnosis. I asked the doctor if that meant I would have to take an injection. Decades later I learn that it was at this moment that the doctor had to distract me while my mum's heart broke down in tears behind me.
But it's all good. She'll be right mate.
Diabetes, Insulin dependant diabetes, Type One, yes the horrible type, the autoimmune difficiency - means having to explain to people that no... it's not the diabetes you get because you're fat and eat badly. It means people constanty watching and critising everything you do and eat. And then asking questions like, so what do I do if you collapse suddenly on the floor? Do I stab you with Insulin??
The answer is yes. If you want to kill me. That is what you would do.
And then I wonder what would happen if I returned the favour and asked them back.. so what do I do if YOU convulse suddenly on the floor and piss your pants?! Do you have an emergency plan for that?
Well that's Ani being the smartass. Most haven't met that version.
Google Doc kept talking. I kept reading. It was shit. The constant and profuse sweating that I thought was just a natural consequence of all the physical labour i've been doiung lately, well, that's diabetes too. My body can no longer regulate it's temperature which means I actually rain sweat down my face when I'm doing even the smallest task. The autonomic nervous system that runs through the whole body is in fact starting to shut down.
My digestive system. Oh yes, you probably won't be able to keep anything in or control when it comes out.
My hands. They don't close anymore. Not since October last year. Swollen. Painful. And losing strength daily.
My balance. Going going ....
My eyesight. Yup. Also losing that.
My feet. They don't feel hurt anymore. In fact. If they get infected and I don't notice. They get the chop.
Why am I posting this here?
Because I just want someone to know.
Why do I need someone to know?
Because no one knows. Because I don't want to go through this alone.
But you are going through this alone.
Yes but. Not if someone knows about it. ?
So it's motivating. I look after my blood sugar levels and the amount of insulin in my body. I can now afford almost enough each week to eat better. If you've asked me why I gave up teaching and started building, THIS is the reason. Because moving and staying physically active is good for this body, and for the mind. The soul gets a kick out of it also.
The day I stop moving, the day it simply hurts too much to lift that hammer, to throw those rocks, to dig that earth, and climb up that ladder, that is the day I go for my last surf.
I'm sure there is a lot of space/time between now and then.
How much is a lot? None of us really know. I know it's not long now. The last two years where these diabetes complications have crashed into my life, expected but not REALLY expected, have given me time/space to measure, treasure, and value the moments life can give.
I should be coming to terms with this as an eighty year old... at LEAST! I should be coming to terms with this having lived a life with a husband and children and a dog and a fat cat. Should should should. But, like with everything else, and like everyone else... i'm completely different. And i'm living right now. And I'm smiling. Also crying. Because the regrets are accompanied with thoughts of gratefulness and wonder. How did I get so lucky?
Do I feel sorry for myself? YESS! But it's much worse for those close to me. And for those who I will have to leave behind. I know it's hard and I'm sorry. I want to share this. Because I hope, in my last days.. that i'm not doing this alone.