Shalom

[Peter Parring]

Hey people! Wish I could have come here during a more stable time rather than just jumping in with all this, but things aren't real fun for me right now unfortunately. So I'll just get right to it then:

 

In general I don't like to have to admit or explain my weaknesses and shortcomings, because it's a strategically bad move to divulge personal information to people who aren't personally close. I also have close friends who've spent time in asylums and been forced to take anti-psychotics, and uh, I really don't ever want to have to do either of those things. I also don't ever really want my family to know how crazy I am, because dad's simple and mum cries too much already. So I've done my best to always deal with emotional and psychological distress on my own. I hunted down and observed other crazies who reported some similar experiences on forums. It wasn't ever on any board that was actually about real mental disorders, so sometimes it was hard to tell if actually crazy or just stupid with people, but in general I learned a lot about human behaviour and logical process which was good enough for a long time. However, this year has been by far the worst year for me in terms on psychological distress since 2007, and it has gotten to the point where all my senses can be impaired and I can be forced into a state of confusion and panic. So that has serious ramifications on my life, which is why I've been concerned enough to actually look into mental disorders more closely, and then I found this place the other day, and I looked over the forums, and I liked what I saw. So, without having really explained what's wrong yet, that's how I got up to this point!

 

Now to really explain what's wrong because that's why I'm here. I've been having these episodes with basically two types of conditions that sometimes occur simultaneously which is very unpleasant. The first is possibly a kind of anxiety attack. They can occur at any time, and basically what happens is a bolt of terror shoots through me. It's not from or towards anything, but it's paralysed me with fear before. It can feel like hell opened up and the devil's out to get me, though it usually isn't that bad. This only started this year, and it really caught me off guard partially because it never happened before to my memory, and partially because I didn't realize I had a build up of anxiety until that point. It wasn't bad until it was BAD, basically. I can deal with this on it's own fairly easily though, and it generally doesn't last longer than an hour at most. Dope is good for it in the short term, but I'm concerned that it might be aggravating the problem and aggravating depersonalization in the long run, which would really suck, because dope is one of the few things that I can regularly enjoy.

 

The second is, I'm pretty certain, depersonalization/derealization. I bit of depersonalization doesn't bother me. In fact, I don't like being too personalized and I'm not really used to it. However, the line is crossed when I start wanting to wake up while I'm already awake. Reality becomes dreamlike even in my senses and memory. So that is to say, I'll have just as much difficulty doing, thinking, hearing, and remembering as I do in dreams. Now, I don't know about any of you, but I've had some really frustrating and confusing dreams, so when my mind forces that sort of altered perception onto reality it's just really weird and irritating. This can sometimes make it feel like I'm trapped and need to escape. This causes me to feel uncomfortable if I'm not moving, so I've been walking and driving lots. This is less easy to deal with and can last for days, though usually only for a few hours. I mean, I can keep trying to act normal, and I can keep telling myself to get it together, but so far I don't have any really effective method other than to wait it out. Still though, I can keep my head at that point, so it's nothing beyond me.

 

What is beyond me is when I start to lose my memory to the point where I forget what I was doing that day. Not just that moment, but that day. I'll forget where I am, what I was doing, who I'm with etc. Essentially I just have a big wtf moment where I struggle to hold onto any context to anything. It's really bad if I panic, because I won't remember to not panic, and then I'll just be more confused and panicked. So that's too much for me to deal with, because I can't deal with it in the moment.

 

Sometimes my vision also starts to grey out, and once at work I couldn't walk and all I could see was grey for about twenty minutes. I was still conscious and could talk though. I have no idea what that's about. Maybe my blood sugar just gets really low or something?

 

So figuring that stuff out is at the top of my priorities right now.

 

I could write something about myself now since this is an intro, but I think all that I wrote there is prolly the most interesting things about me that I'm willing to talk about right now. But, like, uh, my favourite album is Quadrophenia, I like to doodle and write, and my favourite author is Isaac Asimov. Other than that I'm smart, funny, and easy on the eyes, so my life can't be too bad ever really

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hello and Welcome to Crazyboards.

 

if you haven't already done so, please take a few minutes to read The Rules in the bottom right hand corner of the page.

 

so sometimes it was hard to tell if actually crazy or just stupid with people

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but this isn't a very flattering comparison.

 

This is a very supportive and informative community.  I suggest you post about your panic attacks in the Panic and Anxiety Forum.  I'm sure there will be members who relate and can offer advice.

 

Please don't hesitate to contact a member of staff if you have any questions or concerns.

[MiaB]

Welcome to CB.

 

I'd just like to add to what Phoenix said, and point out that we're a pro-psychiatry and pro-treatment community, and believe that each person should work as a team with healthcare professionals. While we are on CB to share information and support, it would be dishonest of us to pretend to be able to diagnose one another or ourselves.  You might find it helpful to be aware of that as you start posting on the boards.

 

I hope you find some useful input here.

[Peter Parring]

 

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but this isn't a very flattering comparison.

 

This is a very supportive and informative community.  I suggest you post about your panic attacks in the Panic and Anxiety Forum.  I'm sure there will be members who relate and can offer advice.

 

Please don't hesitate to contact a member of staff if you have any questions or concerns.

 

Awesome thanks, and about the unflattering comparison, come on man, you have to know there are a lot of stupid and crazy people out there on the internet, so I'm not sure why I would need the benefit of the doubt. What I said really wasn't very unbelievable at all, especially considering that I was looking at groups of crazy people who, unlike this community, did the opposite of encourage people to get help and get better, so you can imagine what kinds of people that would attract and generate xD 

 

I hope you find some useful input here.

Well that was my hope, and I have not been disappointed. I'm in a situation, and any input it better than no input.