Squish Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Um, it may well be me who sucks, not the other person. Please tell me if you think this is the case. One of my friends sends me a lot of facebook messages. He has had to take a year of medical leave from university because of MI stuff that meant he wasn't able to complete assignments really at all or show up to a lot of tutorials. He's at home at the moment (in a different city to our university), and the only other person in the house is his mum, who works pretty much full time. I know he's feeling alone and isolated. He's also deep in the black pit and struggling a lot with suicidal ideation. I'm getting messages asking how I'm doing or what I have planned for the day/evening or a link to a cute video or saying he can't wait to see me when he next comes to visit. About half the messages are variations of "hug" or "xx" or "I love you" or "love you so much". We're talking talking platonic friend love here, at least, I am clear that this is how I feel about him and we are definitely not dating. Quite a few are also him asking if he can do anything for me or saying he wished he could help me more. Which is a bit weird because I don't know what he possibly could do? I have the odd bad day and I get tired and grumpy a lot but I'm kind of doing ok. These messages come, one or two at a time, every 20 minutes to half hour during the day. He replies immediately to any response and he sends a new message pretty much every time he sees I'm logged in to facebook. (I like to check messages fairly frequently because I use it more than phoning or texting to talk to my sister and to organize things like when we should have dinner or coffee together with friends who are around and also studying.) (I guess one solution would be to not do this.) Our friendship is partly based on bonding over depression and anxiety and generally being nice and understanding to each other about having to deal with this stuff. We have other stuff in common - films and books and a sense of humour - but the emotional support aspect has always been a thing. But: I'm finding it too much. I am studying for final exams worth almost half of my degree grade at the moment. They start in 17 days. I'm not overwhelmed by depression or anxiety right now but I am deep in revision and struggling with maintaining concentration and feeling quite tired. Providing emotional support makes me tired, I can't really do it more than a couple of times a day. It's also distracting to respond every time, particularly as he'll respond quickly to my response. Also: all the I love yous and virtual hugs make me kind of uncomfortable. I do love-him-as-a-friend. But I feel like this is something that really only needs to be said only every so often. Not several times a day. I'll reciprocate once a day or so but I'm not really comfortable with that. It's... ... too intense. Dude clearly needs a lot of emotional support right now. He also needs human contact and warmth and sympathy and affection. He has not been getting much from sources other than me, as far as I can tell. He will finally start getting weekly therapy next week. What should I do? I want to set boundaries but I really don't want to hurt or upset or embarrass him. I feel so bad for seeing that he has left 3 or 4 messages that I am just ignoring but then how often can I answer the question "are you doing ok?" in one day? Am I being a jerk here? What should I do? And apologies for the essay length post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jt07 Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) You are not being a jerk at all. It's clear that he has problems, but his problems are not your problems. Tell him that you are studying for exams and cannot answer his messages (or all his messages) right now. Be firm. If he asks what he can do to help you, tell him to leave you alone for now. That will kick the ball down the road several weeks, and hopefully, he will get out of the habit by the time your exams are over. You have an honest ready-made excuse. Use it. Edited May 8, 2014 by jt07 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lysergia Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 you aren't being a jerk. that's a lot to handle for anyone, let alone someone with an already full plate. i hope that once he starts therapy, he won't feel so dependent on you for support. setting boundaries gently would probably be good for both of you - he may be kinda forced to seek out support from more sources if he knows you won't be available every single time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squish Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 Thanks, both of you. I really wasn't sure. Like, his problems are not my problems but I worry about inflicting the sting of even the smallest rejection. Because I have leant on him for support as well and I think he probably wouldn't do it. And - he has said that I was the reason he has survived rough patches in the past, because I was there for him. This is another rough patch. And he is fairly reluctant to trust people enough to ask for support from them and has a thing about "being a burden". And he apologizes all the time for nothing. So, ugh, I feel responsible even though technically I am not. I sent a message saying that it would be helpful if he didn't send messages and links throughout the day. And I said it was because I was having trouble revising and needed to avoid getting distracted. And he has said he is sorry. I think I'm doing the sensible thing but I feel so guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squish Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 Um, also? The whole hugs and xs and I love yous thing? I don't like it. Not so much of it, all the time. But is there a not mean way of saying this, that won't make the guy feel like an idiot for being affectionate when he really needs to feel some affection from someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlurredBoundaries Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 You are definitely not the one that sucks here! You're doing more than most people would do, just by being so sensitive to this guy's feelings.That is a tough situation and I have dealt with similar behavior but I'm an asshole and eventually, I will just start ignoring. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice but wanted to tell you that you're a saint to care so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parapluie Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I am that awkward friend that says "I love you" too much and is basically one step away from cuddling my friends. Just be honest with him. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. And if you aren't mad at him, tell him that you're not mad at him. Reassure him that you still like him and appreciate his friendship. If you appreciate his closeness, tell him that you value the closeness you two have. But you'd like him to tone it down. At least, that's what I'd want to hear. You don't have to justify yourself either. He should respect your boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
water Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 sounds very annoying to me. less is more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Just wanted to say it isnt you that sucks. I would feel bombarded with all the constant messages and it would totally make me distant from the person. I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than what has already been given. I hope it all continues to work out for you. Try not to feel guilty. I know it is hard, but you are taking care of yourself. If you had let all the messages continue you might totally resent this friend and lose the friendship. So setting the boundaries was a good idea. I think your telling him you are getting distracted and to please stop was a great way to tell this person to let up on the messages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hagar Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 sounds very annoying to me. I agree. I'd tell him to back off a little because he's overwhelming the fuck out of me...and try to play some linguistic gymnastics to make it come out semi-friendly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyfroglady Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 maybe say hey I appreciate all of your care and concern and that you are thinking of me, but I really need to limit my facebook messages throughout the day so I can focus on other things. It's not that I don't want to hear from you, but maybe if you could consolidate some messages into one, and maybe message me no more than 4 times throughout the day, so that I can take the time to properly respond and not feel rushed I dunno what to say about the hugs and x's maybe he's hoping you'll reciprocate that in your messages so that he will feel cared about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender fairy Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) I have a friend who texts too much, calls too much, texts too much, wants to hang out too much, texts too much. Did I mention that she texts too much? I have told her that I hate texting, but yet she will try to have these long drawn out texting conversations with me instead of just calling when we could get it over with in two minutes instead of dragging it out over and hour! It's not exactly the same. My friend and I live in the same town. But I can empathize. The other day, we were both at the same place, and she texted me to see if my partner and I wanted to come over for dinner. We were in the same fucking room, and she texted me! Instead of talking to me, she texted this to me! WTF! I did not know how to respond nicely, So, I just ignored her. I know it was passive-aggressive, but seriously, if you want to ask me something, just ask, don't send it in a text! Then, I joined the gym to start taking water aerobics. And I told her about it. So she decided to join the same gym. But she could not afford the water aerobics class. So she asked if I could do water aerobics with her and show her what we do in class. Am I an insturctor? A personal trainer? NO. I am just learning myself. Ugh. Now she texts me every day to see if I want to go to the gym with her. And it's annoying. My schedule is not always the same as hers. Some days I want to go to a class instead of just trying to work out myself. Some days I just want to work out alone. And how is it hanging out if I am swimming laps? I am also in school, and the constant need for attention that she has can just be too much at times. I know she's lonely. She doesn't work, and doesn't have a lot to do, but I can not be her sole support system! So I have no ideas on how to handle this tactfully. Sometimes I just ignore it. Sometimes I answer her texts and get annoyed with them. Sometimes we talk on the phone for an hour and all I say is uh-huh. Oftentimes I have to tell her I am too busy with school, and it's not always true. I don't think it's you or me who suck. I think it's true that sometimes friednships can be unbalanced, and it can be too much. Edited May 9, 2014 by lavender fairy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squish Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 I am that awkward friend that says "I love you" too much and is basically one step away from cuddling my friends. Just be honest with him. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. And if you aren't mad at him, tell him that you're not mad at him. Reassure him that you still like him and appreciate his friendship. If you appreciate his closeness, tell him that you value the closeness you two have. But you'd like him to tone it down. At least, that's what I'd want to hear. You don't have to justify yourself either. He should respect your boundaries. Oh good. I'm not always good at judging boundaries, particularly when there are people involved who are kind of sensitive or feeling lonely or isolated. I always want to make them feel better! But setting boundaries and asking him to contact me a bit less frequently is what I'm doing and although it feels like being a bit cold hearted to a person in need, I am only a friend. I need my own time and space too. maybe say hey I appreciate all of your care and concern and that you are thinking of me, but I really need to limit my facebook messages throughout the day so I can focus on other things. It's not that I don't want to hear from you, but maybe if you could consolidate some messages into one, and maybe message me no more than 4 times throughout the day, so that I can take the time to properly respond and not feel rushed I dunno what to say about the hugs and x's maybe he's hoping you'll reciprocate that in your messages so that he will feel cared about I'm pretty sure that this is why he does it. It isn't really my style though. One virtual hug a day and one statement along the lines of "you mean so much to me" or even (bleugh) "I love you" per week is really enough. Maybe I'm weird that I don't like constant expressions of love or affection. It's just, when you're close to someone like that, you don't have to keep saying it. Sure, the odd reminder is nice. But if someone is a close fiend it means you pretty much know these things already and they don't need to be said again and again. The facts that someone likes you and cares about you and you are important to them can be sort of comfortably unsaid most of the time. Just wanted to say it isnt you that sucks. I would feel bombarded with all the constant messages and it would totally make me distant from the person. I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than what has already been given. I hope it all continues to work out for you. Try not to feel guilty. I know it is hard, but you are taking care of yourself. If you had let all the messages continue you might totally resent this friend and lose the friendship. So setting the boundaries was a good idea. I think your telling him you are getting distracted and to please stop was a great way to tell this person to let up on the messages. Yeah, this is true too melissa. You are very right about this. Like many human beings I can get increasingly annoyed with someone for doing something fairly small but still irritating or inconvenient again and again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parapluie Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I just want to say, you sound like an exceptional friend, Squish. And you are clearly a very caring and compassionate person. If your friend is any friend at all, I think he'll recognize that and be mature in this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squish Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 Aw, thanks Para. I think he knows that I care and that I can't help but feel for him and I want to help. I think I'll just not respond to the overly intense virtual hugs and xs and "I miss you"s and "you mean so much to me"s and "I love you"s. Or, maybe only respond very occasionally. As often as feel comfortable doing. If my friend has a problem with this then I'll just explain then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saveyoursanity Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 Hey Squish, how's this going? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squish Posted May 17, 2014 Author Share Posted May 17, 2014 I kind of had an argument with the guy and got really upset because of it. Details are in blog, if anyone is interested. On the surface it probably doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal, the thing that upset me, but there's history and context to take into account. Anyway, this was on Tuesday. I briefly stress-hallucinated later that evening and was still out-of-control-anxious on Wednesday. I blocked the guy on facebook on Wednesday night and haven't talked to him since (because he wouldn't agree to definitely leave me alone and give me space some). He has sent a couple of text messages, saying "hi.." and "hope you're ok" but I haven't replied. Right now I'm still feeling vulnerable and I can't deal with supporting this person at all, so no contact is probably going to carry on for another few days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 I think you did the right thing, especially because he would not agree to definitely leave you alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
water Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 Right now I'm still feeling vulnerable and I can't deal with supporting this person at all, so no contact is probably going to carry on for another few days. Good for you!! Protect yourself. I have to do that all the time. It's fine. It's necessary and you need to in order to survive. It is a wonderful lesson to learn for those of us who let people in too much rather than too little. That suit of armour has to go on when it has to go on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saveyoursanity Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Reading your blog, he sounds like he's needing a lot more energy than you can give and in ways you don't want to give him, like romantically. It creeps me out when people don't take no for an answer. I'm glad you were able to maintain your boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squish Posted May 18, 2014 Author Share Posted May 18, 2014 Yeah, I really don't like the not taking no for an answer. Actually, I get really frightened if someone keeps asking. I'm kind of sad because I used to trust this guy and now I really can't. But. It was good to set boundaries. Good to be able to do that. He was going to move to the same city as me for the next few weeks but isn't going to now. Which is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
water Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 I'm kind of sad because I used to trust this guy and now I really can't. I'm sorry. My girl's best friend just betrayed her in an awful way. It is extremely upsetting when someone betrays trust, particularly when the trustee trusts with all their heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts