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lysergia

anybody on the DD spectrum want to share?

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14 hours ago, confused said:

I have been grounding more by touching objects, usually the table, or looking at colors, rather than repeating who, where I am in my head.  Just something I noticed, but it seems to help keep me present a little better.

i read something Rosie posted, I can't remember what it was called, it was about structural dissociation in trauma. I had an ah ha moment reading it. Now, I have to find it again. But it did give me insight into the "fragments" I have.

 

Ooh, link us if you find it again? That sounds interesting.

Whisper

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2 hours ago, WinterTidings said:

Ooh, link us if you find it again? That sounds interesting.

Whisper

It is in the ptsd forums

 

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Tri read through the presentation on there. Found some of it applicable, some notsomuch. The dichotomy between "apparently normal personalities" and "emotional personalities" seems very off-base for us.. I'm one of the main ones who does the whole semi-functional-humans-show but also one of the littlest and most emotionally fragile. ..That's probably half of the reason we split in the first place, ha-ha. x_x Also right now we don't have a whole lot of big-rawry conflicts, and when we've had one in the past, it was resolved pretty fairly all round. Nor are we frightened of each other. Hum.

The stuff about infant maternal-withdrawal was kinda interesting. We'd been wondering with our psych whether our bio-parents were bad before the stuff that we explicitly think of as 'when they started abuse'. She says that that seems most likely given the early onset of our advanced OCD symptoms. And the presentation stuff matched that. But overall it seemed kinda shaky where we're concerned. I wonder what that implies about us.. Or more accurately, I should try hard not to wonder that. I have enough 'ohgod I'm faking' feels as it is.

Thanks for the link.

Whisper

Edited by WinterTidings

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I am having this bizarre experience where I feel like I can't see even though I can.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's like my eyes are landing on things but there is no processing and no sense that I did see them.  Everything just immediately slides out of my head.

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I get that, tryp; brain can't make sense of what it sees so it just doesn't register.

 

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we have to ride transit BY OURSELVES because our dr didn't/won't fax in a form that lets J ride with us to medical/tdoc appointments (all of us for free). 

also, trigger warning for below:

 

Spoiler

our parts hurt...the parts ppl don't talk about usually or have funny names for...how do we tell if the hurt is from Now or Then? how do we even ask someone in real life (even J!) about this? we are so...embarrassed and ashamed.

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That really sucks yarn, that your doctor won't let J ride with you.  Not fair at all.

And it sucks that things hurt and you're not sure why - it's not any of your fault.

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We have troubles with hurting like that too. Something that sometimes helps to clarify is to ask around Inside whether anyone else knows why or what it could be hurting for?

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thanks tryp and rosie

we're a bit terrified abt riding transit (what if we just curl up and can't talk? what if all we do is hum? how do we even talk to other ppl we don't even know? is this really worth going to just a 30 minute session with tdoc?).

asking around Inside re: pain: is...scary too...but at least poses a starting point towards some sort of answer. it all still feels like our fault. 

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There's absolutely wrong with humming in transit! Lots of people do, even many no-voices people. If you have headphones (they don't need to be attached to anything) then people just think you're singing along; without headphones they think you have an earworm. 

I know it's super-scary to get answers that way. We struggle a lot with it too. 

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thanks, rosie

our main concern is trying to communicate with the driver where we are going when we initially get on and then where we live once we are done at tdoc's. rural transit is a different beastie than taking a bus with a set route; out here, the route varies according to who is going where and for how long. 

J said we should have some sort of notecard ready explaining who we are and where we're going ready to hand to the driver. we know that's a good solution...it's just we feel even more weird/freak-like for having to do that. sometimes, when we've ridden with J, we're the only ppl on the transit. that can get awkward when the driver is chatty, especially since we don't want to be rude.

ugh. social stuff. just, no.

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Maybe you can try it, and see? Maybe the driver will prefer silence, too. 

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yes, we'll try it and you're right...we're trying to not be so, what's-the-phrase? stuck in negative thinking beforehand? it's hard, though...but we're trying. 

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Dissociation is exhausting. Tried to be mindful of what was happening Inside while paying attention to Outside today. Could do little bursts - a minute here or there. Tried for an hour. Had to have a nap, and still so tired. I didn't expect it to take up the rest of the day.

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That does sound exhausting.

We've been. Weird. Mostly depressionstuff. Always makes us.. Either blend together in weird/not-nice ways or.. Get cut off from each other. Phases of feeling itnensely-in-the-moment mixed with totally derealised. Is bizarre.

Whisper

 

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Stumbled on another part today for the first time in a few years.  A very disturbing/disturbed one.  Very unsettling.  Do not like.

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gentle support, tryp

we cannot control or even begin negotiations with the Insider who has the volcano. is control even the right word/way of looking at this? probably not. tdoc said if we work on building safety for The Kids and we listen and hear what this part has to say, things will get...better. we don't quite believe that, though...

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Control is something that took me years to think about maybe letting go of, a little bit. And it's on an individual basis, too. Our teen still feels the need to control, even though I've relaxed it a little.

I understand how counter-intuitive it all feels.

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Hello. I've recently scored very high on a 5 page questionare given by my Tdoc.

The diagnosis was depersonalization and derealization. I was diagnosed earlier this year. I think? 

I don't have separate personalities that have names. However, I do have distinct personalities that are different from each other. 

There is the confident, sexual outgoing me. Then there is the quiet, submissive depressed me ( this one has been most predominant). And then, every once in a while, I get blind rage. Seemingly out of no where. I'll stand up to the biggest man if he's set me off.

One thing that I'm recognizing is how I detach. From my body. From my thoughts. From my emotions. Mostly I feel like a tiny being existing inside my body while it just operates on its own. 

I have also had times of floating outside my body. Also, my memory is failing me. My kids keep reminding me haha!!

Just wanted to share. ?

Edited by deeschmee

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