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lysergia

anybody on the DD spectrum want to share?

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We have almost no communication at all, aside from feeling states.

People need to shout to be heard, and usually they scream when they're in pain. 

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I float on a cloud in a dream.

 

My mind moves to other places and look at me from there (out of body experiences?)

 

There are stuff everywhere. Like....objects. Words float too. It is like they mix. They don't really do.

 

*I have..ahm...time machine* *Well, I don't*

 

*My body is not mine* *Keep floating* *KEEP*

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I...feel distant. Slightly removed from here. I don't like this. 

 I don't know what's going to happen in my headspace.  
Someone said in my head that we're about to get a memory when I asked what's going on.
And I'm like, well, ok, bring it on, the fucking anticipation's a killer.
 
Shawn's running around in my head with a bazooka, wearing a trenchcoat and a helmet. Shawn's my protector.  Shawn is quite possibly the most badass 5-year-old in the world.  The trenchcoat is trailing on the ground and Shawn's head's almost swallowed by the helmet, but right on...
I see bombs dropping in my headspace.  Crazy Mike seems to be running around merrily, he seems to be constructing sandbag cover, I hear world war 2 style sirens...wow, we definitely sat in front of the TV and watched war movies too much...Mike just ran by yelling TORA! TORA! TORA! so, yeah...
Joy's down here, looking a little smudged in her pink dress, and wearing some very shiny little combat boots. She has cookies. The cookies are LOVE. 
...My headspace is sort of like Gormenghast, BTW... Why I love Gormenghast, because when I found it, it was like...soooo familiar...
But apparently there's a war room of huge and indeterminate size in my headspace....  
Gentlemen, no fighting in the war room...*snort*
 
Weird stabbing pain in my upper back that I get...check...

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I love Gormenghast. I think that the typhoid/typhus (can't remember - whatever the disease was that killed him) made him hallucinate something fierce. Maybe we relate to the sense of very real unreality that he creates.

 

Hey Stickler. This might be a battle rather than a war, eh? And you'll get through it. Joy's cookies sound pretty wonderful, and it sounds like everyone's gotten battle-ready.

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Nobody seems to be really alarmed in here.  More like darkly gleeful.

 

We fucked up and were an asshole to someone who didn't deserve it... :( but that's out of head business and not germane to this thread.

Edited by Stickler

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I had a really rough ...  last two weeks?  Last week?

 

I don't even know what I've been doing.  I'm about at the point where I'm going to start sketching up a timeline so I can figure out where my body's been and who I've talked to.

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So, there is a little girl. She has been screaming pretty much all day. It sounds like someone is hurting her now, Inside.

I don't think that it's one of the known one screaming. She sounds younger. Younger than she should be for how old I/we was/were when the trauma started.

I don't know if it's the girl that I see flashes of who doesn't have any pants. 

I can't reach her. And I don't have any clothes for her anyway. But she, or someone, is screaming. So much fear and pain and it's overwhelming me and everyone. 

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that sounds really hard, Rosie.

 

just got back from a week of absolute chaos leading to a wedding (my sister's) back home where there were a bazillion family members that we never see.

 

someone came out to take the reins and harness the chaos and bitch at (ahem) delegate all the crap it takes to put a wedding together to people we'd never met, at the last minute, though this event has been planned for a year.  she is the queen of TAKE CHARGE and does not care who may think she's bitchy or pushy.  but goddamn she got things done.

 

in other words she's like me on opposite day.  i remember most of the week but i spent it shaking and too anxious to eat or sleep properly when she wasn't busy doing something.

 

i do not regret what it took to get that wedding to happen because i love my sister like hell.  but i am back in my own home away from all those people now and actually have to emotionally process the whole thing.  family members that were responsible for bad things a long time ago, that we pretend we don't remember.  being MI and not being able to handle it without switching and not being able to remember what i told people who asked questions about my current life.  having to pretend to be someone who can still do things like drink alcohol and party with people we've never met.  watching my mother watch me be someone i'm not and not knowing what to do or how to talk to me.  the delicate routine of eating and sleeping and exercise and NOT SKIPPING MEDS that keeps us semi-sane destroyed even only for a week... the fallout from that alone is like whoa.

 

i guess i could just sum it up by saying that being multiple can be productive as all hell at times, but the price paid for that productivity is pretty fucking steep.

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Yes. That productivity in the chaos and emergency does definitely come at a price.

I was following the wedding on facebook. I saw that it was hm... a side of you that isn't often on facebook.

 

I'm glad that it's over and done with. I'm glad that you did well. I hope that you can thank that one.

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i guess i could just sum it up by saying that being multiple can be productive as all hell at times, but the price paid for that productivity is pretty fucking steep.

 

I know bipolar is an entirely different animal than DID, but I could have written your sentence about productivity and the consequences. It does really suck. And for me, what hurts the most is that sometimes, it gives me a glimpse of whom I could have been, but will never be, because I am mentally ill.

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crtclms, that last sentence is so poignant. I think that I might be coming to terms with the idea that I'm not as far along as I think that I am.

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I'm worried that the only way I can survive my life is if I'm not here for most of it.  And that makes me feel so very, very alone.

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I have been floating more than normal. It is like it is 11 Jun again. I wonder what happened to Jul. I am tired. This house is too stressful.

I have been thinking again on talking to someone or seeking for help, but part of my head get afraid and says it is not a good idea. Another part know i am disturbed and need it. I probably will forget about this and self-close in a iron box to be completely alone

I'm worried that the only way I can survive my life is if I'm not here for most of it. And that makes me feel so very, very alone.

I think the same, but i do not feel alone, i feel non-human, like a wild animal. I am not alive, or at least i a m not alive like a human.

Edited by Bixo

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I'm worried that the only way I can survive my life is if I'm not here for most of it.  And that makes me feel so very, very alone.

i hear you.  i know i'm not alone, but if i'm checking out all the time, how am i really *present* with anybody?  when i'm with people is most often when my spirit is elsewhere.  i feel sad about that.

 

sorry you (and Bixo, too) feel this way as well.

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not on the DD spectrum

(officially)

but was so moved

by lysergia's turn of phrase

"when my spirit is elsewhere"

that i googled it

and came up with

"you carry your home with you"

"even when your home is elsewhere"

 

cheers, all ya'll

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so evidently I bought a plane ticket and told my job an enormous lie and ...  what, ended up in San Francisco, stayed with my girlfriend, that was amazing, enjoyed, but confused now.  I was in an airport yesterday; at least I'm pretty sure, evidence seems to corroborate this version of events.

 

i'm liking this phrase "My thoughts are slippery fish."  I think of the video I linked, which is grizzlies trying to catch salmon.  I'm not sure whether I'm the grizzly or the salmon.  Probably both, especially when there's blood.

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Bip bip.

 

I am not real. Bip bip.

 

I wonder what is real. Bip bip.

 

I wonder if reality exists. Bip Bip.

 

Too much time with this to know what the hell is going on. Bip bip.

 

*Bip bip*

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Reality is real...for a given value of real.

 

Feeling not-real sucks though.

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