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moonbat

moonbat's thread (split from 'want to share?'

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i'll start.  there's been way too much silence amongst the lysergia for several months....

 

 

Our protector has been much more active this week. It scares me. What does he know that I don't? And what will he do about it?

 

 

Someone was mad ... it freaked out one of the kids.

 

Toto, I think we ARE back in Kansas ... this sounds like home to me.

 

I don't want to say too much because honestly the one thing that freaks me out more than anything right now is thinking anyone might read what I share and know who I am IRL.  I really need a safe place to explore the shizz that's going on in my world at this juncture and that would put the kibosh on that. Plus, over the past several years (5? 6? not really sure when it started) things have been shifting inside from a more dramatic and compartmentalized system of others with their own names, personalities, histories and memories, to being more of a situation of what I call just "fragmentation". In some ways this is good -- I can "pass" in the "outside world" more smoothly and be more functional for things like work and relationships -- but in other ways it is not so good because when I shift, switch gears or shuffle, I don't have the insider "clues" anymore -- the whole attachment to specific names, M.O.s and goals -- to give me a handle on why, or on what's really up with me that's causing it.  It also means when I do get triggered into a more "full blown" switch it is way more disorienting and difficult to manage, mask, or function through.

 

Most notably, though, with the whole "fragmentation" business, the agenda of one part can easily infiltrate or blend into the agendas of other parts, which makes it really hard for me to know what's ME and what is not -- if that makes any sense? -- and in many ways this makes it harder for me to have any sense of self at all, which is triggering a lot of derealization and detachment from my own thoughts and feelings, to the point I don't even feel fully engaged enough to know what's mine and what is not.  Sure, I get it -- logically it's all "me" and all "mine" -- but it doesn't FEEL like it, and there's so much internal contradiction and scattering that the boundaries of identity and any sense of selfhood are just evaporating.  This leaves me feeling mostly like a mindless drone going through the motions of life with no direction or purpose, and that troubles me as well.  I don't want to become vulnerable to some of the things that have been predatory and destructive to me in my past, as a result ...

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Hey. I split this off so that you could have your own thread where people could address what you're saying about yourself without a general conversation also happening.

If that wasn't your intention feel free to let me know.

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i can relate to alot of what your saying here,in my expieriance of hereing voices its like the words thoughts and ideas,what i call the content of the voices i can disagree with.but the expieriance of hereing the voice,the eomotional tone of the voice,and kinesthetic as whell as audio sense of feeling as whell as hereing the voice,I cvant seem to seperate my self from,in otherwords i its like i cant differentiate my self from them emotionally which can be pretty tormenting at times.but yea it makes alot of sense that this lack of abillity to differentiate my self from them can be described as a lack of boundaries or ego boundaries and indeed lack of boundaries is said to be a main symptom of mental illness

ive tryed to educate myself about this idea but have had trouble wraping my head around it,or understanding my subjective expieriance from an objective point of view i just seem to keep going through the same emotional turmoil

one thing i dont know if youve try DBT(dialectical behavior therapy)and/or CBT(cognitive behavioral therapy)but this i think is the kind of things that deals with,i tryed it briefly myself and it seemed to be helping alittle with commincating my feelings something i have trouble with

and i plan on trying it again,it was free,outpatient care in my case,whier im at

but you do seem to have alot of insite into your condition which they say is a very good sign anyway goodluck

i hopes its helpful

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Most notably, though, with the whole "fragmentation" business, the agenda of one part can easily infiltrate or blend into the agendas of other parts, which makes it really hard for me to know what's ME and what is not -- if that makes any sense

 

Yes. That makes complete sense to me. I call it being a bit blurry around the edges, because I can't tell where "I" end and where I'm being influenced by someone else.

Ultimately I decided that for right now maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe who is who isn't the point of the thing. Especially if the goal is more focused co-operation between ourselves, then maybe it's okay to share how we're feeling about things. 

It is strange, though, and quite unsettling. I can see why it'd make you dp;dr further.

 

I also struggle with the meandering through life thing. I'm glad that I've surround myself with people who can help me/us to stay safe when we're too discombobulated to figure out how to do that ourselves. Hopefully you can do something with a similar outcome. Safety is important.

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"and there's so much internal contradiction and scattering that the boundaries of identity and any sense of selfhood are just evaporating.  This leaves me feeling mostly like a mindless drone going through the motions of life with no direction or purpose"

 

This sounds like a call for a tough but favourite book  of mine

"The Robot's Rebellion: finding meaning in the age of Darwin"  (Keith Stanovich.)

 

One strand of the text looks at the different elements of internal contradiction (or parts of our minds with different agendas, for perfectly good reasons) and helped me make sense of that.

It can be difficult even to find a language that works, because in normal usage "I" looks singular and united, when it is nothing like as simple as that *in everyone*.

 

I know that sometimes I can solve cryptic crossword clues while I am sleep that I could not work out while I was awake.

The "I" of  "I can solve" and the "I" of "I am asleep" are not the same.

There's an I (actually several I's or sub or parallel I's) busy when I  am asleep.

When I was living by a railway line, one of these parallel processing or subroutine I's once woke me up because the expected early-mornig train *did not* come through (it turned out to be due to a rail-strike) 

So, while I was nicely asleep, some other bit of "I" was keeping a log of sounds heard compared to sounds expected.

 

And this is normal fragmentary of multiple part-I processing.

Before there's much conflict about whether to have an ice-cream or not, or any other decision or perception which might engender contrary opinions at a range of levels.

 

Chris

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Right now we're trying to have regular meetings...I've been less regular than I initially intended to be. :blush:

Our structure is such that they emote through me, meaning I don't go away, and I'm not quite all the way into DID.

 

So I...actually think most of what I once thought of as my emotions (prior to 2011) aren't "my" emotions. 

 

Thinking about where I stop and they start makes me feel rather spacy, though.  Therefore I just carry on as when I mistakenly thought I was alone in my head, and I just roll with feeling what I feel...most of the time.

 

 In the example above though, I was feeling dread for no apparent reason.  

So inappropriate to the situation=time to investigate.

Another example, someone at work gave me a couple of oreos and suddenly I was having to restrain myself from telling everyone "I LOVE YOU!"...and after a few minutes...oh yeah...My one little girl LOVES people and always shows up for cookies... :rolleyes:

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