ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 This is the first time I've committed to taking meds for my BP. I used to "manage" it naturally until I had a mental collapse in January/February. I've been off work since February and in PHP for the last couple of months. I'm working with a new pdoc as I didn't have one prior to my collapse so we are getting to know each other. His specialty is BP. It took a while for me to be pulled out from the depression, tweaking the meds constantly as little improvement was happening for a while, but I'm now out and believe I'm going into mania. The cocktail that got me out of the depression included: Seroquel for sleep, Abilify, Wellbutrin and Pristiq. At last week's appointment, when I told him I was feeling really good, he cut my Pristiq in half to see the impact of that. He then mentioned that he wants to move me to Lamotrigine to manage the BP now that I was out of the depression. I don't want to try these drugs. Period. I can give you a million reasons why but I simply don't want to. I don't want to screw around with my brain again. It's working well right now. I'm productive, my brain is finally working well again (I had a lot of confusion and memory issues, beyond anything I had ever experienced), and I'd like to return to "normal" life like working, socializing, etc. Can't I simply keep taking what I'm taking? Is it simplistic of me to think this way? Do I have to start tweaking drugs again? My pdoc said the Abilify will help with the BP but he did not think it was the right drug for me for the long run. And then, I'll admit this... I'm scared of Lamotrigine because of the potential side effect of Stevens-Johnson syndrome. I have so much anxiety about this side effect, probably because I've had so many skin issues throughout my life that I can't fathom taking this drug and watching my skin fall off. I know, I know, dramatic and catastrophic thinking but I can't help it - this drug terrifies me. I know I'll get SJ, I just know. I'll be in that 10% group that gets it. So do I have to change my cocktail? I do, don't I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hagar Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) Discuss your fears and hesitancy with your pdoc. There are other mood-stabilizers to try before Lamictal, if you truly refuse to take it. Lithium, for one. Depakote. The other ACs. I'm afraid you will definitely have to change something if you go into mania. For many people with BP, med-tweaking is necessary at some point, and can be a rather constant process. Either changing meds entirely, or changing doses. Meds sometimes stop working, start working against us, or the illness becomes too strong for them. Who knows. The point is moving on to something that will work to keep you stable for as long as possible. If you become manic, your brain will not be working well anymore. It sucks, but that's how it is. Did your pdoc explain why he thought Abilify wasn't right for you in the long run? I noticed you're on a pretty low dose. Edited June 1, 2014 by hagar typo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
San Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 Med-tweaking can suck. I don't know why they wouldn't leave you on a cocktail that works. Definitely discuss it with the doc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL9000 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 What was her/his reaction to your saying you didn't want to fiddle with whats working? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 Thanks everyone. I haven't really talked to my pdoc about it. I briefly mentioned my hesitation to Lamotrigine but then got nervious and said that we could discuss it at the next session. I suspect by what he has said is that he's going to wean me off the AD's to see what happens, then next step will be treating the BP directly. I'll find out more next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 but I'm now out and believe I'm going into mania. Is this the reason your pdoc wants to change your cocktail around? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 but I'm now out and believe I'm going into mania. Is this the reason your pdoc wants to change your cocktail around? I believe so. We are just getting to know each other and also getting to know my BP so I think he's being cautious and weaning me off the ADs first to see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 I guess I don't understand then why you wouldn't want to change your cocktail around to get the mania under control. Abilify, and Wellbutrin, ie, can be activating for some people, so I can see if your pdoc wants to lower that dose. It's working well right now. I'm productive, my brain is finally working well again (I had a lot of confusion and memory issues, beyond anything I had ever experienced), and I'd like to return to "normal" life like working, socializing, etc. How is the current cocktail working well right now if you are going into a mania? Maybe a med tweak would help you return to "normal" life like you said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 Did you pdoc explain why he thought Abilify wasn't right for you in the long run? I noticed you're on a pretty low dose. I don't know, but thanks, I will ask this question at my next appointment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 I guess I don't understand then why you wouldn't want to change your cocktail around to get the mania under control. Abilify, and Wellbutrin, ie, can be activating for some people, so I can see if your pdoc wants to lower that dose. It's working well right now. I'm productive, my brain is finally working well again (I had a lot of confusion and memory issues, beyond anything I had ever experienced), and I'd like to return to "normal" life like working, socializing, etc. How is the current cocktail working well right now if you are going into a mania? Maybe a med tweak would help you return to "normal" life like you said. Ouch. Shit. Revelation time. I want the mania. I've always liked it. It's fun, well, until... I never thought that my resistance to the med change might be due to some subconscious want/need for the mania after such a bad bout of debilitating depression. You're good. I love this board. It really gets me thinking as I figure myself out. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) You're welcome. I hope everything works out for you Edited June 1, 2014 by melissaw72 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hagar Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 I can definitely relate to wanting the mania. That was the primary reason I went off meds so many times when I first got sick. I can't blame you for that. But I didn't take the time to consider that eventually the euphoria would turn into psychosis (for me- BP 1 with psychosis here), then the mania to deep depression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 Also, the mania probably won't last forever ... meaning that you might crash at one point. Personally I would want to avoid that because when I crash it is pure hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 I can definitely relate to wanting the mania. That was the primary reason I went off meds so many times when I first got sick. I can't blame you for that. But I didn't take the time to consider that eventually the euphoria would turn into psychosis (for me- BP 1 with psychosis here), then the mania to deep depression. I was originally diagnosed with BP II, but the last bout of mania, I went too high for BP II and did things that would fall under BP I, then crashed down bad. I think I'm reminiscing about the good bits of mania and not the bad bits, or considering the potential bad bits as you mention, psychosis (which I haven't experienced). This is a good lesson for me; there's more than just what I've experienced and I have to be cognizant of it. The fact that I went so high last time and then so low is the main reason why I've committed to formal treatment for my BP and I need to remember this. Thanks. Also, the mania probably won't last forever ... meaning that you might crash at one point. Personally I would want to avoid that because when I crash it is pure hell. Same here. Historically, my crashes are much more extreme than my highs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 Oh my gawd, I just realized that I'm subconsciously falsifying data in my mood tracker that I show to my pdoc to show that I'm not just high right now. I'm taking a bit of a day where something might have not gone right and making it a low day overall. This is why he was confused about my ups and downs in the tracker when I told him I was feeling awesome and felt that I was going into mania. Why am I lying to myself so much? I hate this illness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenndo Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) Oh my gawd, I just realized that I'm subconsciously falsifying data in my mood tracker that I show to my pdoc to show that I'm not just high right now. I'm taking a bit of a day where something might have not gone right and making it a low day overall. This is why he was confused about my ups and downs in the tracker when I told him I was feeling awesome and felt that I was going into mania. Why am I lying to myself so much? I hate this illness. I legitimately was in this same position two months ago. I'm new to the whole medicated thing and I started (like I think most people do) being medicated in depression. But usually my depressions end with a bang and I shoot up into mania right around April too. I had medications for depression but not so much for mania and I felt it coming on... I didn't want to be medicated out of mania, I wanted it so badly. It's like my special treat after dealing with such terrible depression and he was taking that away from me. But then... of course... I went into the pdoc's office and I tried to convince him I was not manic. But I couldn't stop talking, I talked over him, I cut him off, I repeated myself over and over and over again, I started twitching and eventually I got up and started pacing while I was talking to him. All while saying I'm hypomanic, maybe, just a little, perhaps, no, I don't think I'm hypomanic, I'm just happy. Yeah, that's it, I'm just happy. Nothing odd to see here, just happy happy happy like that song from Despicable Me 2. Did you see Despicable Me 2, it was awesome. I loved it so much, I think you should watch it. Have you watched it? You should. I like the song Happy. Needless to say, he thought I was manic. Edited June 1, 2014 by Brenndo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotDP Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 Oh my gawd, I just realized that I'm subconsciously falsifying data in my mood tracker that I show to my pdoc to show that I'm not just high right now. I'm taking a bit of a day where something might have not gone right and making it a low day overall. This is why he was confused about my ups and downs in the tracker when I told him I was feeling awesome and felt that I was going into mania. Why am I lying to myself so much? I hate this illness. I legitimately was in this same position two months ago. I'm new to the whole medicated thing and I started (like I think most people do) being medicated in depression. But usually my depressions end with a bang and I shoot up into mania right around April too. I had medications for depression but not so much for mania and I felt it coming on... I didn't want to be medicated out of mania, I wanted it so badly. It's like my special treat after dealing with such terrible depression and he was taking that away from me. But then... of course... I went into the pdoc's office and I tried to convince him I was not manic. But I couldn't stop talking, I talked over him, I cut him off, I repeated myself over and over and over again, I started twitching and eventually I got up and started pacing while I was talking to him. All while saying I'm hypomanic, maybe, just a little, perhaps, no, I don't think I'm hypomanic, I'm just happy. Yeah, that's it, I'm just happy. Nothing odd to see here, just happy happy happy like that song from Despicable Me 2. Did you see Despicable Me 2, it was awesome. I loved it so much, I think you should watch it. Have you watched it? You should. I like the song Happy. Needless to say, he thought I was manic. Thanks Brenndo. You get it, don't you? Is it wrong that I visualized you in the office and had a wee giggle. I can only imagine what our pdocs think of us... LOL! I'm sure we make for eventful days. I think I'm going to print this whole thread and bring it with me to my next appointment. There are a lot of truths and good questions in it. Thanks again everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimako Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 I'm hypomanic, maybe, just a little, perhaps, no, I don't think I'm hypomanic, I'm just happy. Yeah, that's it, I'm just happy. Nothing odd to see here, just happy happy happy like that song from Despicable Me 2. Did you see Despicable Me 2, it was awesome. I loved it so much, I think you should watch it. Have you watched it? You should. I like the song Happy. Yeah, like that. I kinda miss it too when I'm bored. Never ever truly bored when I was hypomanic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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