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Crodentia

Mental Illness on Both Sides of a Relationship

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Do you think it's a good idea to date someone who also has a mental illness? Is that something you would prefer, or something you would avoid? Why?

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crodentia, you might try searching the relationship forum to see what has already been said about this topic.

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I would try to look at the person as a person, and not "a person with mental illness".  Everyone has a mental illness if you classify it vaguely enough... everyone is anxious and depressed or ocd to some extent.  So, I'd be careful not to make blanket rules to exclude people.

 

I'm not really qualified to give relationship advice, but I would be disappointed if someone didn't try with me because they perceived me as mentally ill... that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone I think.

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crodentia, you might try searching the relationship forum to see what has already been said about this topic.

 

I tried, but I couldn't find anything (which surprised me). I figured this question must have been asked before, or something very similar.

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There are several.

You might be not seeing them because they are being presented as "My partner and I both have MI" instead of polling members for their opinions.

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I don't think it matters as long as you both can function in the relationship and in life (ie financially.)  I don't see why else it would matter.

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It works in my marriage - however we both have psychiatrists and are on medication.

We are both committed to treatment.

We both have done individual counseling and couples counseling.

 

And it helps if only one of us is having a crazy episode at a time.

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...It really depends on a huge number of factors.

 

I don't know whether it's my self-esteem talking (maybe a little) or just my practical mindset producing this opinion...

 

I think that...the gap between where I am at and where non-MI people are at is a big one.

 It would take a LOT of work to bridge.

Most entirely normal peeps don't want to work like that to achieve understanding, I don't think.  

And I imagine it's very hard to understand going nuts if you've never gone, right?

Another person with issues is going to be able to understand and empathize a lot more readily, methinks.  

There's commonality. 

 

OTOH there's also a possibility of setting each other off repeatedly in an escalating, mutually-destructive spiral of crazee.

220px-Mothra_vs_Godzilla_poster.jpg

Edited by Stickler

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Have you thought (if u both have MI) that your kids would have mental health issues?

It is not guaranteed that a child will be MI, although of course it raises the chances. My parents both have mental illnesses, and had 4 kids. I'm the only one disabled by the crazy.

 

Also, not everyone wants kids. My husband and I are happily and intentionally childless.

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I am with someone completely free from any MI and, for me, it's better. But, he is extremely empathetic to my situation somehow and I think that is unusual to find in someone without MI. It works for me because he provides a steady stream of stability. And for many other reasons that have nothing to do with MI. He really is my rock. But I don't think there's anything wrong with two MI people being together, and it may make certain things (like understanding) easier. On the other hand, if each person were in an episode simultaneously, that could be really difficult.

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Both my partner and I have struggled with mental health issues in the past. We've been very open with our experiences. I've found it helpful in that we understand where each other comes from. We are both committed to staying stable and healthy, and it is that point which I think is most important. I don't care if someone has issues, but what I do care is whether they want to get better. 

 

In the past, I had an ex who refused to have his mental health issues treated. That was a very unhealthy relationship because I felt like I had to cater to his needs, while neglecting my own. There was no space for my needs in the relationship because it was all about him and his issues. When I got out of that relationship, I made a promise to myself that I would never date someone who wasn't interested in getting better. 

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...It really depends on a huge number of factors.

 

I don't know whether it's my self-esteem talking (maybe a little) or just my practical mindset producing this opinion...

 

I think that...the gap between where I am at and where non-MI people are at is a big one.

 It would take a LOT of work to bridge.

Most entirely normal peeps don't want to work like that to achieve understanding, I don't think.  

And I imagine it's very hard to understand going nuts if you've never gone, right?

Another person with issues is going to be able to understand and empathize a lot more readily, methinks.  

There's commonality. 

 

OTOH there's also a possibility of setting each other off repeatedly in an escalating, mutually-destructive spiral of crazee.

220px-Mothra_vs_Godzilla_poster.jpg

 

I've been there! :rolleyes:

 

I would still date someone with mental illness. However, I'd only do that if he/she was reasonably self aware about it, sought treatment when necessary and it wasn't something that dominated the relationship or caused a lot of stress in my life. The last one might sound kind of selfish but I know my own mental health can't stand up to it. If I'm always in supporter mode I get burned out and I'd just end up resenting the person.

 

I agree with crtclms on the kids thing. Both my grandmothers are fairly crazy (and one grandfather was a compulsive gambler) but my parents and their siblings are all surprisingly not crazy. There's a bit of mild depression and anxiety in there but none of them have been disabled by it. I may have been slightly unlucky there, genetically, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of having kids at some point.

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I married my husband not knowing that he had OCD. I'm pretty sure I would have married him anyway. I was undiagnosed but had previous episodes. It's not been easy. I hate his OCD, he hates my Bipolar. Hell, I do too. I couldn't imagine life without him though. We just do the best we can.

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Have you thought (if u both have MI) that your kids would have mental health issues?

Yes, but there are no guarantees in life that you will have a healthy/non-MI child. You are more likely to be an understanding parent, having a MI yourself. I have 3 kids. One of them has a MI that affects him enough to require meds. The other two are so-called "normal".

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ive wondered about this i havnt been in a relatinship since my diagnosis and i can relate to what stickler said,in that i feel like a kind of chasm has steadily grown between me and non-MI ppl,and someone who can relate more ti MI,would just be like some common ground,the best relationship i had we had alot in common as far as lifestyle,we both liked weed and alchahaul,and same group of friends, but as i look back its possible she was a recreational user and i was self-medicating what at the time was undiagnosed symptoms,i dont know if i would have been able to get together for the sake of the relationship,but ended up doing jailtime anyway,which ended up being to great an obstacle for the relationship

my other brief relationship was w/a non-MI girl who was studying to be a mental health care worker the relationship got wierd when she would become enraged and demand i show her more affection in front of her friends,i dont know

but since then my negative symptom of social withdrawle has steadily grown to the point of social isolation and now i look back even at my unsuccesful attemptes like those were the good old days

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Like others have said it would be easier to relate and you'd be less likely to deal with rejection.

I don't want to be with a neurotypical that will never understand my OCD/anxiety and my need for space and my personality quirks and mood changes. They could fully support me, even research everything ... but they'll never GET it. And that's what I need, someone who gets it. It would make me feel much closer to them, we'd be on a deeper level.

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