Gerry Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Hey there Just started my journey of self acceptance and discovery. Seeing a therapist at the moment. She's keen I explore why I feel how I feel before labelling it. I've made a few discoveries in the last week that have ultimately ended me here on this forum. Things I've learnt in the last week. I was abused as a child, not physically or threatened but everything else. Mentally, emotionally, abandoned, starved etc. I've been reading a lot about and relating too compartmentalisation disorders, coping mechanisms and dissociative disorders. I struggle to remember much of my early life. What I can remember I don't know how I feel about it. I'm struggling to accept things were as bad and isolating as they are evidently appearing. I definitely go somewhere in my head and almost blank off at times. I loose time but I know it's still me as it were. Nothing happens that I'm not aware off after so I'm assuming it's where I went as a kid to get away from the situation. Life is currently very good for me however I've started to get serious anxiety and stress. No genuine reason for it. I've always been an anxious person, I worry about everything, what people think about me, what they say etc. Anyway, just wanted to say hi and see if I'm correct in my thinking. Seeing the therapist tomorrow night so it's going to be interesting and scary to see what she says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Hi, welcome to CB! We ask all new members to read The Rules as it avoids misunderstanding later on. If you have any questions about them or anything else at any time, feel free to contact the staff. Acceptance is hard! I've mostly given up on it. Instead I work on the feelings that I have around things like not remembering my childhood, and dissociation (and learning to cope with it). I'm glad that your life has improved, although anxiety sucks. Hopefully you can manage that effectively. I hope that you have a good therapy session! Also, we have blogs here, if you want to track how therapy goes for you. It can be as public or as private as you want. Looking forward to seeing your posts around Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
writehellarandomshiny Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Welcome to CB! Hope you enjoy your stay. Stimulants to the left... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Welcome to Crazyboards. We have a friendly bunch here, and I hope you stick around and get to know us. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 Thanks folks. I'm getting mixed emotions currently. Relief that all the things I'm feeling are "normal" but I'm worried about the reality of it all. I've got grief that needs to come out. Anxiety from everything and anything. I'm relating a lot to the info about PTSD. I think every time I start to get upset I zone out. I'm still me just very quiet and I want to be alone. I've also thought a lot about almost being overloaded with emotion I'm now numb to it all. It's worrying to read about folks say they automatically fake emotions. I can totally relate to that but not sure if I'm in denial or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 I think that, from your post here, you have a lot of insight. It might also be worth your while to show this last post of yours to your tdoc and see what they think of it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 I think that, from your post here, you have a lot of insight. It might also be worth your while to show this last post of yours to your tdoc and see what they think of it? Tdoc? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 I think that, from your post here, you have a lot of insight. It might also be worth your while to show this last post of yours to your tdoc and see what they think of it? Tdoc? I've put all my thoughts and revelations into Evernote ready for tomorrow's session. She's been deliberately not labelling anything which I'm assuming is for a reason. Assume it makes more sense for me to connect the dots and believe other than her just telling me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OliverB Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 (edited) Hi and welcome. I am Mr.Obvious: There is a PTSD/Trauma forum, you can post there if you want to talk about traumatic issues. I am a gigant blackout, but I started to remember a lot of things some weeks ago. The forum, people and information are really helpful Edited June 24, 2014 by Bixo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shesellsseashells Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 tdoc = therapist pdoc = psychiatrist (I hadn't heard either before I joined CB.) Welcome! This is a great site on which to connect with others who have been through similar experiences and find support. I hope your tdoc appointment goes well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stickler Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I hate to welcome anyone else to the " surprise, guess what happened to you!" club...but hi, I hope you find here to be useful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiHeidiHo Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Hi. I'm new here too, which is why I was reading the intros. Wow, I can relate so much to your post. Unlike you, I do remember a lot of my childhood (including the physical and emotional abuse). But like you, I "check out" when things get too much. My therapist told me that was a defense mechanism I probably started with as a child. She said I had a lot of suppressed memories. I didn't buy into that until I lived through a flashback episode. While it was scary, I took it as a sign that the therapy was working at the time. Also like you, my anxiety seemed to start from nowhere. I was diagnosed with panic disorder during what was probably the best time of my life....great job, good friends, getting my own apartment. Everything was awesome, and then boom I got blindsided with panic attacks. My therapist theorized that for most of my life, I lived with my guard up so to speak. When things were finally all good, I allowed myself to relax. The result was the life-long adrenaline went away, leaving me with severe anxiety in its wake. I just want to say good luck to you. I started my journey (this month makes 13 years since initial diagnosis) looking for a "quick fix". I started with meds only until 4 years ago. I think it's great that you're starting with therapy right away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 That's for your comment. Oddly my therapist is almost deliberately not diagnosing me. On one hand it's very frustrating on the other I'm assuming it's all part of my own journey. I'm thinking the karate kid had no idea what wax on had to do with karate, but it did Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted June 26, 2014 Author Share Posted June 26, 2014 So here's a question for you... If I've grown up being told my emotions are worthless and therefore in worthless. And that any attempt as a child to make my emotion heard involved something that can't be denied, like physical injury. If I've grow up numb and have a fractured side where nothing exists. It's just dark and emotionless. I've then got a normal side that only feels one emotion, which is probably panic and stress but it's the same emotion for everything. Nervous about presenting. Bubgo. Same emotion. Someone cuts me up while driving. Bingo. Same emotion. So my question is this. If I have no self worth and my emotions have all been denied to the point where I don't feel "normal" emotion. How can I know what I'm feeling is what's wrong with me? I feel like I need the tdoc to validate what I'm feeling and label it. What I've learnt is this... Emotional neglect, abandonment and abuse coupled with physical neglect (food and clothes) caused my brain to fracture and I zone out and go somewhere quiet and blank in my mind. I've got mega insecurities, guilt, low self esteem (all the good stuff!) I've developed OCD traits which I'm assuming helped either distract me or help me control my environment. I'm now feeling generalised anxiety however I'm not sure I've been feeling any emotion for a long time. I'm assuming I've got PTSD as life is good currently and I think I'm finally safe enough and it's all coming out now. Wow. I've written one of those mega long post people write where you loose track of the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 Gerry, if you would like to discuss your issues and your upbringing in detail, I think it would be a good idea if you started a blog here. It can be public or private, and you can talk about anything you want to discuss. People are very responsive in the blog section and will share their experiences with you. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Blog started. I'm conscious I'm writing the same stuff in here and PTSD so will see how the blog goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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