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So, I have both researched and assessed myself to be, and verified the situation with my therapist recently that I have an anxious avoidant attachment style. Yes, the yeti of attachment styles both anxious and avoidant. I'm pretty sure I started out with an anxious attachment, and developed the avoidant behavior as a defense mechanism because of how badly that style worked out for me. It built walls over time.

I have decided that I want to fix this situation. Both fortunately and unfortunately I've recently started a promising relationship for the first time in years. We have a breakfast date in 6 hours, the 4th date this week, though we've known each other to some extent for almost 6 weeks. Things are great, and I REALLY want to be fixed and "secure" by breakfast right now :goofy: . The more things go well, the scarier it becomes though. Every time we get past another "milestone" (for lack of a better word) I'm relieved, but then worry about messing up the next step. We've only recently even held hands or kissed, so sex isn't an issue really.

As advised by my therapist I'm being cognizant of my irrational thinking that makes me insecure, and evasive when I don't want to be. I'm just having trouble stopping the preoccupation with how to handle the next text or date. I know that I have no reason to feel worried about the relationship at this point; he's smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, and totally crazy about me. Unfortunately I've not yet mastered the art of being able to stop thinking about what I've said, he's said, what or how I'm going to say something or handle a situation, or what he's going to say or do, always with the fear that he's going to discover who I "really am" and not like me anymore. :cussing:

There are some reasons to be concerned about relationship viability in the future because of known differences in political and religious beliefs. We have discussed that him being Conservative and me being Liberal is probably an issue, but we're not talking about it (though we graze topics frequently, and reroute the conversation) because we wanted to see if anything was there if we didn't, and THERE IS :D ! But I'm scared that those beliefs represent important core beliefs that will become deal breakers once addressed head on :wall: .

I initially wanted to address the issues right away to just get that out of the way, but then things went well, and I don't want to ruin it now. I smile whenever we're together, and when we talk; he makes me laugh a lot :D ! Isn't that what's important? We have so many other things in common too. Not the least of which is that this is what we've both been looking for in a relationship and mutual chemistry :loved: . We've both been looking for someone that makes us feel this way for too long without much luck. Why should I sabotage it for Obama, Climate change, FOX, or minimum wage :wtf: ?

I can't even put into words how conflicted I am about that last sentence :306: . I wonder if other people would be... This is why this is a topic post and not a diary entry, I can't always tell what's a worry based on my maladaptive thinking related to anxious/avoidant attachment, anxiety, what-have you's of insecurity, and what's worth worrying about or not :frustrated: .

I want very badly to have a healthy relationship with this person I don't want to screw it up not based on if we're right for each other or not, but because of my perceprtions of insecurity,  abandonment, and rejection :cussing: .   I feel like it could be really great in a lot of ways. I'm afraid in a lot of ways too though. Can anyone make any suggestions on how to perhaps look at things differently to cope with anxiety and worry that I know is unfounded or irrational or comment specifically on fixing an anxious attachment style? Or... well I guess comment on the political “issues”? I am already working on the whole be aware of my thoughts and feelings as to recognize as much as I can what isn't real or rational anyway. I'm just starting the process, but I want to do it right with this guy. He deserves a good person who will appreciate him, and treat him well as much as I do.

Anybody out there?

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Sorry nobody answered and I didn't see this...

-when fear comes up, ask yourself what the fear is based on.

- slowly work through fears that seem to have no basis in reality

- reality- check with others if something logically seems to be a legitimate fear. If something bugs you, discuss it with someone you trust.

-cautiously extend trust in small amounts.

- keep in mind the real him may not be the guy you see yet. Give it 2 years.

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