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iaawal

Tried to convince my mom to go to therapy

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I used DBT as the example. Asked her to take it seriously. Her response "I would be better if you visited me more often that way I don't get angry when you don't call me" .... we talk everyday. :/

 

Well I tried. For about the 5th time. It's not gonna happen, is it? lol.  

 

I mean, I'd visit more often if she wasn't so triggering and toxic. 

Edited by iaawal

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Wow, I just had (several) conversations with my mom about her considering therapy. She says she doesn't need it because she is "old" and can do whatever she wants now, regardless of how it affects herself or others. Meanwhile, this is the same woman who put ME in therapy at age 5. You have my sympathies.

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...Can you put mom on speakerphone and put in headphones??? just sayin'... :P

 

It's like the joke: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?  One, but the bulb really has to want to change.

 

Sympathies. 

 

I ...think at some point, I'm going to treat myself to the book "Verbal Judo."

I just thought of it because it's the sort of verbal redirect I'd use at work to defuse tense situations...and I wonder how it would work to defuse a chronic button-pusher?

 

I don't know the answer to that,  I'm more thinking aloud in public here.

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I used DBT as the example. Asked her to take it seriously. Her response "I would be better if you visited me more often that way I don't get angry when you don't call me" .... we talk everyday. :/

 

Well I tried. For about the 5th time. It's not gonna happen, is it? lol.  

 

I mean, I'd visit more often if she wasn't so triggering and toxic. 

No, it won't happen. :-{

 

but I am glad you realize that she is triggering and toxic. Carefully place your boundaries around her and keep the time minimal. Toxic parents can be very dangerous to sensitive kids.

 

As stickler said, the bulb has to really WANT to change. 

The best way to get your mom to understand is for you to live your life and show her. Even then, she probably won't, if only because she sounds like my mom.

 

I do know several people who have managed to rehabilitate their parents. but this ONLY worked because each and every parent came halfway. unfortunately, most do not. I like to believe that every generation is better and better about understanding the crazies. 

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My mom really changed...

 

antidepressants-218x300.jpg

 

But it wasn't because I wanted her to, it was because she was ready.

Edited by Stickler

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Trying to convince someone else to change has rarely been successful for me.  Especially when considering my toxic, abusive family.  What I have had to do is change myself, set boundaries that are healthy for me, and lat them deal with their own emotions about it. 

 

That being said, dealing with someone who is toxic to you and who guilts you for taking care of yourself must be extremely difficult.  You have my sympathies. 

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Sounds familiar... Not sure what your situation is but I tried the same a long time ago. It took moving to the other side of the country and saying that I would cut off contact if she didn't go, followed by actually not talking to her. She went a few times then gave the impression that she kept going but I'm not so sure that she did. 

 

It's tough. People need to want to change themselves and to do that they need to be able to admit that they need to change. Good luck. 

Edited by Sras

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My mom really changed...

 

antidepressants-218x300.jpg

 

But it wasn't because I wanted her to, it was because she was ready.

Love that pic! 

 

Glad to hear that, here's hoping mine does that. 

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It is frustrating but I think setting boundaries was the best thing I did. I moved out a year ago and noticed an improvement in my mental health. 

 

Stickler, my solution today was put her on speakerphone and watch TV. lol. 

 

Seems like we're all in the same boat, which sucks. 

Edited by iaawal

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Well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Trying to get parents to go to therapy, is very similar to trying to get a family member addicted to drugs to go to rehab. They will go when they accept that there is a problem, and when they are ready to face that problem. So until that time comes, keep your boundaries and do what is healthy for you.

 

My mother struggled with dealing with my anxiety & depression when I was a teenager, because it brought up a lot of her own issues. She did eventually get help, and now we are closer than ever. But she had to go get her own therapist, when she was ready to do that.

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