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I attempted to go in-patient [venting].

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I do not expect anyone to sympathize over this redunant vent session. This was more for me, I consider being overly emotional a sign of weakness so sharing these passages was difficult for me.


Currently I feel fine now and I feel like I am back in somewhat of control, but how I'm keeping myself in control isn't doable long-term. So I attempted to go in-patient for depression at one of the "fancy" hospitals in my area and they just treated me as if I was some overzealous child. I have absolutely no structure in my life, I do not have a schedule (which of course I am fond of) but my time is purely being wasted and I just can't happily accept that.

Just because I'm not suicidal does not mean I'm still not depressed. In-fact I constantly am chronically fatigued and no longer even have the attention span for television shows I once adored. Going from someone who thrived on just 4 hours of sleep, I can't quite my finger on why I now sleep for 18-hours at a time and wake up with mental haze that medication cannot remove.

To make matters worse is that all anti-depressants except Wellbutrin [bupropion] (which I went out of my way to get a prescription for) are connect to weight gain. I just feel as though my life isn't terrible but compared to the "old me". Which is terrible because I think of my life as pre-hospitalizations and what chaos it has become now. As a self-proclaimed control freak, I have a hard time accepting that a diagnosis could allow others to not only see my opinions and thoughts as skewed, but allow others to use "lack of insight" as a justification to forcefully seek treatment.

I feel as though I am suffering from situational depression more than a chemical-imbalanced depression. I constantly need stimulation and constantly seek change but I feel as though I am in a rut. Going back to my old University was my last ditch effort at regaining and taking control of my life. After weeks of attempting to fill out ever loan application that Google could throw my way I finally threw in the towel. I just do not realize how I could come so close to freedom and the illusion of normality my soul so desperately craves and yearns for. I am planning to re-apply later after consolidating my debit in the hopes that it will raise my credit score.

Looking back the problem really wasn't all that happened to me more than all the time I lost. I feel as though the "old me" is gone. Not like depersonalization but I used to genuinely and truly care about people. I constantly went out of my way to help others when I could, and actively tried to do what I thought was right at the time. I just find myself becoming everything I detested; I have become horrendously critical of others and do not feel comfortable around people as I used to be.

I know this sounds like some melodramatic sob story, but that's just it: it can be must worse. Am I ungrateful? I just feel as though once I'm done solving one problem, five more come my way. I constantly try to regain control and stability but I am unable to achieve a state where I am truly care-free. Going from someone who was dependent on my family for spending to now being alone in the real world has been tough. To make matters worse, I just don't know how I'm going to enact this pursuit of medical school. I mean I have been diagnosed with a myriad of diagnoses, this most definitely impact whether or not I get license to practice medicine, and I have charges result from all the "chaos" that ensued in my collapse.

I cannot even qualify for a basic loan for school, how on Earth am I going to make it to medical school. Going to the Caribbean for medical training seemed like an option. I see all my close friends graduating with degrees, and taking trips around the world. And here I am just existing and not truly living. I feel stagnant, and the chronic fatigue has not made anything better. I never envisioned what happened to me. I constantly had everything neurotically planned out and now I just no longer have the resources to reclaim that kind of control.

My license is suspended, and my car was given to my twin brother. I am not envious that his life has turned out so wonderful, I just feel as though these people I call family felt and relished the idea of me being clinically "crazy". If I could just go back I would follow the advice I constantly gave myself, which was to avoid these people. I cannot believe all the resources that I took for granted, and the friends whom I had built a true family with.

Suffering has brought me constant impingement, however I wish that certain events didn't unfold as they did. I wish my mother wouldn't scapegoat me for her problems, and I wish I could let go at the immense anger I have internalized in connection to her. In the end, this is my fault. I knew my family was an unstable wreck, heck its why I decided to leave the state for school.

"You seem to have an answer for everything" said the statuesque French psychiatrist at crisis evaluation. And I did. Everything could be fixed. Everything could be remedied. Just break it down to the foundation and the answer would become clear. But that's just it, I had a confidence that was stolen. My dignity was taken. I mean looking back, I literally had the perfect life. I was so ungrateful, and constantly internally melancholy. I am not going to make this a glorification of what used to be, because it only brings up bitterness. I just wish I could go back. I wish my life was a remake of the film Groundhog Day.


I lost my close friendships, I lost my dormitory, I lost my car, I lost my dignity, I lost everything. I mean this made me stronger, but it additionally caused me so much distress. I just wish I could have learned my life lessons from an online article versus experiencing them firsthand.

My life is not over. I realize that I can still reclaim what used to be. I just never lost control. I am constantly in control. And the one time I lose control for a moment...to know that coincidentally the ramifications of one day, would cause. so much of my suffering is just so enraging. Why didn't I stay away? Why wasn't I more cautious? Why on Earth did I convince myself taking a break for a semester was a good idea? I feel as though the only thing I haven't lost is the weight on my ass. I lost something deep inside me when I had a collapse of structure. I lost who I was, and I cannot blame anyone but myself.


Currently I am happy, and for this one moment I am at peace.

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