Friend is racist...:(

[Stickler]

..I'd not really figured out why talking politics with him bothered me. Now I know why. He really does believe black people aren't as intelligent as white people, and have poorer impulse control.

I'm just so...grossed out by that. he doesn't extend black people the empathy of full human-ness.

I mean, race is a freaking social construct, it has no genetic validity. We're actually really homogenous as a species. So if black people behave differently , what you're showing is differences caused by having to grow up in a different, crappier environment.

Similarly, I know from growing up in a trailer park that white kids are doing stupid stuff too. They are just likely to have way less draconian consequences for the same level of stupid. Life is less forgiving of your mistakes if you are black.

...I told him I could not stand to discuss this stuff with him anymore, and I apologized for bringing politics up in the first place.

Ugh. This makes me feel really sad. I'm really...yeah, sad. Otherwise a good guy...but I guess only to people who share his skin color. How depressing.

I just don't even want to think about it any more. Ugh.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Stickler

[Wooster]

Understandable, and good for you for letting your friend know where you stand.

[Stickler]

I don't feel good about any of it, I'm heartily sorry about even starting the conversation. I just really wish I could somehow unknow this about him, it's just that disturbing to me.

[whatsizbucket]

This goes along with the 'superior race' mentality.  My exwife referred to blacks as the dreaded N word.  She grew up in the 70's... Go figure...  her mother's a racist.  Hands down.

[malachite]

Racism is horrifying. And finding out that someone you are friends with is racist is very disheartening and disillusioning.

[CeremonyNewOrder]

I'm sorry about your discovery of your friend's views. Kudos, however, for standing your ground and telling him it wasn't right.

[Stickler]

I just said that if he'd made it to his 40's thinking like that, I wasn't going to waste my time and his trying to get him to re- examine his beliefs.

But I not only wanted to never have it come up again, I wanted to do my best to forget it had ever come up in the first place. It bothers me that much. Saddening, disgusting.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Stickler

[melissaw72]

Do you think it would be a good idea to kind of back off from that friend for awhile?  Idk , sometimes it helps me to not be near people for awhile, then we meet up again ... it isn't ever the same as it was, but we can be civil enough to get along with each other.

[Stickler]

Probably...I'm not physically well this week anyway.

[saddest]

One time long ago I sat in botanical gardens listening to the Dalai Lama speak. After it, he took some questions and one was how can we help Tibet. He said if you come across Chinese people tell them how you feel. If they listen that's great, if not - walk away.

[jt07]

I've dealt with bigots all my life some, regrettably in my own family, and I basically try to change the subject or ignore them. You will never win an argument with them and you will never educate them. As long as they are not actually discriminating against minorities, the only thing you can do is ignore them.

 

But, yeah, it is discouraging. 

[confused]

It isn't just a race/skin color thing. I had a friend from Kenya who would say"African American" with air quotes to describe Americans who had never been to Africa. He said to me, "you know how they are". I don't know where he learned that. I am sure it is something he picked up in the U.S.

[KillBytes]

Sadly racism is still alive and every where. It's not just whites. There is pollution on both sides of the river. My mother was racist, she passed away. I was not from this country. I came over at a younbg age and during the 60's too. I remember getting jumped by gangs of blacks. I had no idea why they were so angry, not until a few years later. Children will be children, add to that all the aweful shit that was happening during the 60's, it's understandable why there would be hate and fear in so many people.

 

Your friend may be a full blown racist, or he could be afraid and buying all the sterotype misinformation as facts. I know in my mothers case she was fearful. That was the root to her racism. The blacks I have met over the years who are also racist are for a different reason. There is still anger and mistrust. This is usually a issue for older people who have some battle scares and stories to tell. The newer generations look at this in total bewilderment not understanding what's going on behind the faces.

 

Since I grew up in a predominately black neighborhood, I had white and black friends. I understood there was two sides of racism early on. For different reasons. Doesn't make it right, it's just what it is. Thankfully kids these days don't have to grow up under the conditions I seen in the 60's and 70'. Unfortunately some people will never change. we do need to call them up on their errors. I tried with my mom.

[Stickler]

Trigger warning:

What made me realize how unfair racism was...was having a black friend in third grade, and then hearing my asshole dad make " porch monkey" jokes. Made me want to crawl under a rock, because I got how ugly it was.

My dad, only useful as a bad example...really. He's a human pustule.

It's perfectly legit to get to know someone and then decide they suck, but you can't assume anything based on skin color. It's a false signal. It tells you nothing useful about that person.

My friend buys misinformation and crime stats as facts... Me pointing out that black people are just a lot more likely to get charged and convicted, thus ending up in the stats, this did not seem to make him think.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I can't teach a sneetch. Ugh. I'm venting about it here because I otherwise like the guy, and I'm just trying to wrap my head around how he can justify not extending human empathy.

There is prejudice on both sides; however, I'd say that institutionally speaking, nonwhite people mostly get the short end of the stick. Not in every case, of course, nothing's universal. I'm pretty sure I was bullied by one woman at the evil nursing home in part because of my color. But that place was so awful anyway.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Stickler

[catflapjack0]

I'm sorry for your experience.  All I can say is that growing up in a somewhat racist environment, I simply have some ingrained thoughts that pop up in my head.  I don't like them, but I'm simply not sure what I can do about them other than not act or speak based upon them, as much as I can manage.  People should be 'evaluated' on their individual actions, is my thought.

Edited August 13, 2014 by catflapjack0

[KillBytes]

It's a rude awakening when you discover racism. I still remember at the age of 6, I made a new friend and brought him home with me. We were playing on the porch having a great time. Then my mother comes to the door and tells him he has to go home. Then she told me never to bring over another black kid. I never knew my mother as she came to America before me. I felt so ashamed of her for many years. Even getting jumped by gangs did not turn me in to a bigot. I understand we all can do really evil things. Hate does not descriminate. But I still say, fear plays a major role too.

Edited August 14, 2014 by KillBytes

[lavender fairy]

I'm sorry for your experience.  All I can say is that growing up in a somewhat racist environment, I simply have some ingrained thoughts that pop up in my head.  I don't like them, but I'm simply not sure what I can do about them other than not act or speak based upon them, as much as I can manage.  People should be 'evaluated' on their individual actions, is my thought.

 

I am so glad you brought this up because I get these same thoughts.  Really evil thoughts sometimes about people of another race.  I think those thoughts came from my family and the environemnt I grew up in.  I have spent a lot of time with people of other races and tried my best to be anti-racist, but still these thoughts come.  I feel for people of other races, and I believe racism is alive and well and wrong.  I am glad no one can read my thougths and I worry sometimes what might happen if I were to loose the ability to filter my thoughts and say these awful things out loud. 

[cady]

Both my parents and their families are racist,terms like spear chucker, monkey and nig nogs where openly used to describe black people, how i did not grow up racist ill never know. Unfortunatly people like this dont change.

I personally would cut this person out.

[crtclms]

I personally feel like saying someone is nice, except they're a racist, is an oxymoron. Racists are not nice, period. I've cut off people whom I discovered were racist.

 

It is hard to be raised as a white person in the US and to be totally pure, Gore Vidal said racism was bred into the bones of Americans. But to not even make an effort to understand, or give the benefit of the doubt? Fuck that.

[Sloane]

Racism is taught, not something that one is born with. And a lot of the times its less of a hatred, but rather than a disgusting ignorance one has been learned from parents/culture/etc secondhand.

 

I've moved around all my life and met a lot of people from all around the world (literally), and in my experience when most people do and say things out of "ism" (racism, sexism, ageism, ableism) it is usually misplaced anger from misinformation and not even experience (like "what dad taught me", or "what I heard *this culture did*", rather than "what happened to me"). I've also learned that when you try to introduce education, their reaction to that information is key.

 

Some people can see that they are sheltered, but most do not (ignorance runs deep in the conscious, and often in the gene pool). Many people are set in their ways; and unfortunately when you have a close friend or even family that disagrees with your values - chances are they are not going to change any more than you are willing to. And that issue is often an elephant.

 

 

I personally feel like saying someone is nice, except they're a racist, is an oxymoron. Racists are not nice, period. I've cut off people whom I discovered were racist.

 

It is hard to be raised as a white person in the US and to be totally pure, Gore Vidal said racism was bred into the bones of Americans. But to not even make an effort to understand, or give the benefit of the doubt? Fuck that.

 

It took me a long time to admit that I am a "privileged" American; meaning I am a white female born lower to middle class (Military class in the 80s/90's - take that for what it's worth). I want to think that even though racism may exist it's "not as bad" anymore. But it is bad, because it exists. It's just hard to see (for me) because I don't deal with it on a daily basis. I make the effort to try to see, and to stand up when I do see, but the fact of the matter is I am able to miss things because I am "privileged".