During my recent internet meanderings, reading about neurotransmitters & such, I came across the interesting symptom called "Memory Torture." Is anyone here familiar with this?
No, it's not like PTSD due to actual torture or abuse... It is quite similar to OCD (the obsessional part). The theory is that inadequate Serotonin leads the person to constantly dwell on every little (or big) moment in life in which emotional pain was experienced. I do this very often, for hours at a time. Memories of something bad that happened to me, and exact words that were exchanged, from the time I was in grade school up to the present, run through my mind. I relive the humiliation, frustration, embarrassment, fear, pain, anger, guilt, and feelings of helplessness. My brain intensifies the feelings and relives them in great detail.
Note, this is not the same as "PTSD" as the difference is, many of these "bad moments" can often be accumulative layered memories of very neutral / benign things that wouldn't cause most people to even remember at all (example: small critical remark a friend made decades ago, reliving disappointment over past employment because you hear something on the news that talks about a city where your former supervisor worked.) Does anyone relate?
I've suffered from obsessive thoughts since I was 16.
So much so I used to go into hypotheticals. I used to "re enact" scenes between people. Trying to figure out how people act and why...
It was borderline psychosis as some psychiatrists put it. The thinking as irrational. Hence my treatment with zyprexa (on and off) since about 19 until 2008.
I've had chronic Depersonalization Disorder since 2008. Since then I still struggle with OCD, mood swings, Depression, dissociation etc. But I've managed fairly well.
Then this rash appeared at the corners of my mouth. It's disgusting. I've taken over 400 pictures. I've seen 5 dermatologists. No one can figure it out.
Multiple treatment failures.
Now it's really exacerbating my Depersonalization and ocd... and my thought process is becoming illogical again. I feel like people are looking at me,I get angry, etc. I'm moody ups and downs depressed etc.
My Dr wants me to try abilify to get thru.
That's in addition to the cocktail of meds I take for chronic Depersonalization.
So take a look at the pics. If it were you would you be concerned?
It's the first and last thing I think about every day....
It's driving me crazy...
My first episode psychosis started June 2013, after a very stressful period which lots of problems happened at the same time and after some sleepless nights. For one week I was living in another world! I completely isolated myself and had lots of delusions and paranoid thoughts.
I was thinking there was a conspiracy and all my family and friends are plotting against me. I was thinking they are controlling my internet and watching me through hidden cameras. I thought that I had a tumor or very dangerous illness and they are not telling me the truth. I was thinking they have spoken with a psychologist and he is telling them what to. All Facebook posts and emails I was receiving was a part of that plan. I didn't know what I am doing and I was writing crazy stuff on Facebook, thinking everybody is following. I also had a very strange and strong headaches and I was taking whatever pill I could think of, but none of them was working. I also had some recurring thoughts, for example reading the same comments 100 times or listening to the same music from dawn to dusk. My brain was like in a loop with obsession to specific thoughts. I didn't really know what I was doing.
After that horrible week, one night I slowly remembered what I did and wrote. I realized that something is wrong with me but I didn't know what! I thought that I am becoming crazy and I cried a lot. In the morning I was calm and I thought that everything is finished. I was very happy until the headaches started again in the evening. At this point I went to the ER, and after many tests including brain MRI and Lumber puncture, the neurologist said I don’t have any physical problems and probably I have psychosis.
I didn't accept that and until the end of August I still believed that I don’t have psychosis and the doctors are not telling me the real problem. They started treating me with Abilify which made me tired and after several days I had restlessness. I can say it is the most horrifying feeling in the world. I had some strange dream-like feelings and I was thinking I’m dying. Every day I was thinking of how to kill myself. I never thought that I could become better. My situation got worse and doctor stopped the Abilify and started Risperdal. After a while I had restlessness again and some very devastating feelings. Doctor reduced the dose and with this change the situation became manageable. But the problems with Risperdal was that it blocked my brain. I couldn't do anything and I was just lying in bed waiting for time to pass. After some weeks I had very severe anxiety and many panic attacks. I was thinking I was becoming crazy and I was suicidal. Doctor gave me Lorazepam and Valium on demand. I also had problems sleeping, having nightmares and night terrors. Doctor gave me some addictive sleep aid pills so I could sleep.
In this horrible three months, I was still delusional and I was still thinking people are following me wherever I go, or monitoring me through cameras and so on (But I was thinking everybody is trying to help me!). Doctor said probably I have paranoid schizophrenia but he wasn't sure. Last week of August, I was less delusional and the doctor stopped Risperdal because I couldn’t do anything and my body wasn't adapting to it. But soon after, that strange headaches started again.
So doctor started Zyprexa 5 mg and warned me about the weight gain and diabetes possibility. I started a diet and going to the gym. Fortunately, not only I didn't gain weight but I also lost 7 kilograms on it. Zyprexa was a miracle drug for me and all the delusions disappeared and I finally accepted my illness! My anxiety and panic attacks also get better. I reduced the dose to 2.5 mg after a while and I could sleep without sleeping pills.
But after a while, I went into a severe depression and mode swings. I didn't have motivation for doing anything and I was sleeping 12 hours a day. Doctor gave me Cipralex (Lexapro). After just a week I had a terrible anxiety so I discontinued but the anxiety didn't go away! After that I struggled with anxiety for several months. I was using Xanax, Valium, Rivotril, etc. to calm down.
In March, doctor started 10 mg of Prozac and my depression and anxiety got better after several weeks. In May, I reduced Zyprexa to 1.25 mg and after 2 weeks I stopped it. But severe anxiety and bad feeling started and I restarted taking 1.25 mg again. Since 2 weeks ago (July) I reduced to 0.625 mg and had a little anxiety and insomnia. But it went away after some days. I’m now quite well but still tired in the mornings. I can do my everyday tasks but I still have problems with concentration. I am planning to stay at this dose and after some weeks make it every other day and then cut it off.
Is this a good idea to stop taking Zyprexa since I didn't have delusions or paranoia for about one year and am feeling normal? My other question is I don’t know what exactly my illness is!! If I had a first episode psychosis and fortunately I will not have another episode, or I am Schizophrenic?
Thank you for reading my long story. Any comments would be appreciated.