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no one is like me and i don`t know what to do

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I haven`t been on here for a long time...my doc had raised my dose at least a year ago and Ive been on luvox 150mg in morning and 150mg at bedtime.  He made a mistake and accidentally put on the bottle to take 200mg in morning and 200mg at night.  I have been very anxious lately because I am recovering from surgery on my hand(been very painful and at times start panicking because I know I will never have full extenton of my wrist because they had to remove a bone, arthritis had set in due to a fall and having it not looked at right away because I thought it was a sprain) anyway it`s been many months now and every now and then I worry that my hand will never b the same.


I have been having anxiety attacks because of that and having to leave the house more often to go 4 physio for my wrist.  BUT the reason Im really here is because I am having stupid thoughts that don`t make sense again and if I don`t tell my twin sis I can`t stand the anxiety that will follow until I eventually DO tell her.  This makes her very angry at me and she says I don`t even TRY not to tell her and i`m ashamed to admit that i`m so scared of the severe anxiety that comes if I don`t tell her, I just spit it out and pray that she`ll just let it go...which usually isn`t the case.  She has very bad nerves too and I only make it worse for her.  I have tried to write down these thoughts, tell my Mom instead or even, alone in my room, whisper what I would say and what she`d say then i``d say that it`s ok.  HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT....


This time, we were watching a scary movie and I thought it would scare her if I made a really scary laugh out of the blue...but I DIDN`T WANT to scare her...so being really fucked up, I thought if I TOLD her I was going to do the laugh, I wouldn`t actually have to DO the laugh.  I told her and she saw right thru the fact that it was still an ocd thing and was pissed off but let it go.....OF COURSE MY MIND couldn't let it go and I did a scary laugh anyway. I SOOOOOO MAD AT MYSELF, AND SO IS SHE. She said that I planned on doing the laugh anyway....IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE NO CONTROL....I FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE ITS BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH OCD, WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE HER LIFE WORSE TOO....We both suffer from major depression too and she thinks i`m doing it to b mean....I`M NOT...she doesn`t understand, even though she has ocd tendencies. I have full blown ocd and I don`t want to live with it anymore....its like cruel punishment being born this way...very depressed I hate myself for not being able to just think things and leave my twin in peace....I really hate myself right now :(

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Don't hate yourself! I have OCD but it's not severe (probably moderate). My daughter on the other hand has it quite a lot worse than I do and honestly, sometimes, some of things she does do bother me, but I don't hate her and your sister doesn't hate you either. Even HAVING OCD doesn't make me understand every compulsion my daughter goes through. Being her parent I try and of course forgive her as soon as I realize or she tells me that her OCD made her do it, but a sister relationship doesn't quite work that way.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. If you don't feel you can sit down with her and tell her how you feel perhaps writing her a note detailing the fact that you really just can't help it and that you are sorry and want to get along with her and could she please try to understand that it's your OCD and not you just being "annoying". I'm not sure how old you are but I'm sure she'll understand, or at least try to.

Twin relationships can be complicated at the best of times (I know because my OCD daughter is one).

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Are you seeing a therapist?  I wonder if there is something else you could do that would satisfy the urge to tell your twin.  Have you tried writing down what you feel compulsed to tell her?  You could write it down and then just rip it up.

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Thank-you for the replies...to Jessamine I am 39. And to Phoenix_Rising, I tried wring it down and I've also tried going to my room and saying it very quietly out loud and (feel so stupid) but I actually say her 'part' of the "conversation" ...saying what I think would most likely calm my ocd...  that usually puts it off for a bit, sometimes not even for a bit.  I've never done drugs but I swear, I feel like the compulsions are as strong as heroin.


I've been okay lately and we are getting along but having said that, I am really nervous that I sabotaged it (I''m very superstitious at times).   

Edited by daisymama

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OCD compulsions ARE that strong. They can totally take over a persons life. Are you getting treatment for it at all? It's not always a cure but it can be helped in many cases.

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