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lysergia

i wanna quit everything.

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okay maybe not everything.

 

i've been going through this *thing* for the past while about wanting to quit seeing both pdoc and tdoc.  it has nothing to do with their competency or how much i like them.  i just never want to be a psych patient ever again.

 

go ahead, have a good laugh.  i know how stupid that thought is.  but after a night of turning the possibility of adding another dx to my list of crazy over and over in my head, it's the thought that is the MOST attractive.

 

i've lost my faith.  i don't know if this is a somewhat logical conclusion or not.  i can't tell if it makes sense that i would no longer believe that the NEXT med will be the one, based on the fact that i've been promised eighty million times that things would get better (for more than two months at a time) only to find out that whoops, nope.  or even worse, that the oh-so-promising new med actually gave me brand new shit to deal with.  or made existing shit worse instead of better.

 

all while being told that "XYZ drug doesn't do that to people, that's not a side effect, you need a different dose", ad nauseum.  then eventually finding out that it DOES do that to some people, that the side effects i report are REAL - just so rare that it takes an extra-specialist in psych drugs to know about it.

 

it was one thing getting used to the idea that i'm treatment resistant and nothing ever works for very long.  it's another to find out that not only is this true, but that i can't rely on even a GOOD pdoc (mine really is) to know the truth about what these meds are doing to me (or not doing).  because no pdoc is aware of all the latest research on every drug they prescribe.  no pdoc has time for that.  

 

add the fact that some new insight has made me rethink whether or not a missed diagnosis has compounded the problem, and, well, ugh.  i just can't.

 

i'm a fucking walking mystery to my treatment team (and every doctor before them).  in all honesty, they're throwing guesses at me when they prescribe meds - educated guesses sure, but they never seem to get it right when predicting how i'll react.  and when i do report how i react, i get a lot of shrugging and i don't know and that's not possible. except it is possible because i'm living it.  it isn't their fault.  most people don't have the reactions i do.  but it's not my fault either, and i can't do anything about it.

 

i've had enough false hope.  i don't wanna play anymore.

 

i'm not going to throw away my current meds or anything.  right now they are making things better, where "better" means i can stop myself from fantasizing about dying and getting it over with (i have more control over my thoughts).  and i know that at some point, like in the past, this wellbutrin is going to stop working (this is my third try with WB) so i'd better appreciate being able to leave the house while i can.

 

but once it stops i really have no belief whatsoever that the next med, or next cocktail, is gonna do more than pull me out of whatever crisis i end up in when shit hits the fan.

 

but in order to continue living, i HAVE to believe that this is true, that there is a better med, a better cocktail.  and i don't.  so therefore i just want to stop seeing my treatment team completely.  i'd rather eat dirt than listen to one more pep talk that is NOT BASED IN REALITY.  NOBODY can promise me that things will be different.  that's lying, upon critical examination of the facts.  tell me why i should believe the pep talk this time?  things are different how?

 

however i have no alternative.  i can't say "i'm quitting treatment and trying THIS".  there is no "this".  and without a "this" i'm just going to end up dead.

 

i don't know what anyone here can do for me.  i'm pretty sure you can't restore my faith.  i'm pretty sure none of you knows about some secret alternative to the medical model (please this is not an invitation to tell me to try homeopathic ANYTHING).  i guess what i need is to be convinced why i should just keep going through the motions of med trial after med trial, when all the motions do is buy me short amounts of time between needing to be dead.

 

i only ever want to throw my meds away when i'm getting hypomanic.  i don't wanna throw my meds away because i'm "fine" this time, or because i "need to know where my baseline is", or some other excuse.  i'm not saying approaching hypomania isn't a possibility here.  just that my reasoning for wanting to be done with the med-go-round is different.  this might be crazyperson logic.  i can't tell.  maybe someone who knows this struggle more personally than my doctors will recognize where i am and tell me how to just keep doing what i've been doing for 17 years.

 

i just realized i went on and on forever.  this probably should have been blogged.  i didn't know i was going to be even more rambly than usual.  fuckit, i'm sure i've ranted here longer than this before.

 

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I am in a similar situation... I feel extremely fed up with trying to treat my depression issues. I feel like the "depression" is mild enough that I don't need an antidepressant, and so far I haven't found a therapist that is able to understand or help me. I totally understand wanting to quit everything.

 

I DO NOT enjoy the med-go-round one bit. Whenever I try an antidepressant, I immediately start to have suicidal thoughts and crying spells... It's too much for me. I just don't know how to help any of it.

 

I feel like I just made a step in the right direction though by reaching out to my doctor and discussing finding a new therapist. I don't know if anything will change, but I know if I don't try at all, there is not even a possibility of things changing. This is just something I have to tell myself.

 

Are any of your family members/friends understanding of MI? I would call someone close to you and talk just so you can feel their support (even if they don't necessarily know how to help). This usually makes me feel well enough to make a progressive first step for myself.

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^Good advice.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling this badly.

I maybe know a bit about what it might be like because I seem to have a treatment resistant case of BP1 and they can't seem to stop me from going manic or, especially painful and damaging, stop me from becoming psychotically manic about every 18 months to 2 years.  This occurs despite different prophylactic and early intervention drug strategies.  Each of these episodes (mania, then depression) lasts months.  I'm recovering now from my most recent hospitalization.  I was locked in seclusion this time, which is a blast from the past of my earliest breaks.  Long gone are the days when lithium held off the psychoses.  I also feel like giving up because I've been dealing with this psychotic cycle for years.   At this point of my life, I'm clearly worsening from the kindling effect, which is scary to me.

 

I don't really have any advice.  Just sympathy and concern for you.  I don't think an outreaching to share experiences belongs in a blog.  At least I hope not, because I just did it.

Edited by Will

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I hear you.....The trial and error is catching up with me.....I'm just desiring to be messed up on illegal drugs because I'm tired of going thru the motions.....Yes those drugs will put me farther into insanity but personally it seems as something starts working than poops out very quick.....Hypomania is when i want to toss my meds out too. I know mania is not normal but there is no drug that can mimic it's pure euphoria........My grandma is a christian and had BP her whole life and has been delivered from it.......I know I know it's not the same.....A lo of things just mess up the treatment for us all. I feel extremely guilty if I abuse meds my doc gives me but I wouldn't care to go pain some pain pills and forget this crap. I know you are more focused on just getting better...I have no faith in doctors......I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Me too, lys. Especially as new and disturbing symptoms are popping up for me for the first time. I'm sick of being ill, I'm sick of working so hard to address my illnesses, I'm sick of living a very low quality life. I am going to acupuncture today, even though I don't want to. It might help. But, I have very little strength or will left. Sorry this isn't some sort of hopeful advice response I am writing. I wanted you to know that I feel similarly. But, there is also that possibility (or even probability) that things will shift and feel easier. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

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Also, in terms of side-effects, I get very rare ones too. Often docs don't believe me. Almost went blind on Topomax. Luckily had a friend drive me to the ER. I'd like a psychopharmacologist, but with my lack of money and shitty insurance, that ain't gonna happen.

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i'll just say

"yeah"

and

*nod head in agreement*

 

the "quitting"

tdoc/pdoc

thing

has been sort of 

foisted on me

(unless)

(i want a)

(completely incompetent boob)

 

wish

had

words

hope

faith

?

to hand out

 

even

writing about

your

discouragement

and

rants

are helpful

at least to me

lysergia

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I have been told many times that my pdoc has never heard of (x) as a side effect, but that he supposes that it could be 'possible'. It is infuriating. I also understand about the med merry-go-round, and the ever-dwindling hope that the next tweak will be the one that magically leads to stability- if only temporarily.

 

The only thing that has brought me out of my cycle has not been the meds i believe, but a predictable schedule. and i am losing the ability to have that. with a work schedule that is changing I feel as if yet another treatment has stopped working for me. except it hasn't. it is just a treatment that has been taken away from me.

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i so wish none of you felt this way.

 

but thank you SO MUCH for telling me that you do.  thank you for not telling me to just buck up, or that i should just get over it, because i tried that and i just can't.  thank you for being real.  i know now that it's possible to continue to survive this way somehow, because y'all are doing it.

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lys, you'll absolutely survive. I am doing a piss-poor job of it myself right now, but I'm still around.

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I'm starting to realize that I prolly have treatment resistant depression because I just lose faith in a pill. If they have no idea how it works thats one big blow to my confidence. We all know benzo's work well I do and stimulants work. But these Anti D's just seem to help me have hope than it's dashed from waiting four weeks than another four weeks at a different dose. IDK anymore.

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I'm sorry lys. I'm right there with ya. I wish I could go be by myself in a hole somewhere and not do anything re: med go round, pdoc assholes or tdoc/day treatment, etc. My family forces me to take my meds. Once my parents are gone it would be easier but I'd still have my husband to contend with. He forces me. And I do mean physically. That's fine I deserve it. I'm a horrible person without meds. I'm horrible with them even. But a tad more bearable with meds. For whatever dumb fucking reason.

Still not a person. No career or quality of life. I barely leave bed everyday. Ha! Career. Too funny. Not gonna happen.

Since my pdoc gave up on me I've become even more cynical and suicidal. Careless and reckless.

I know you can relate and I'm so sorry for that.

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I feel very strongly to let you know....despite illsay about treatment from yourself or anyone, they are helping you. You might get on a med and freak b/c of the fear of side effects, but what I'm trying to say is keep those thoughts out of your mind. Also I think in your interest it would be best to take a breather and get back with your doctors. It might be scary , but you can do it. Be straightforward and do your best to keep yourself active and try including new things. The doctor should be first though. Staying with treatment might save you from harm of any kind mentally or physically. Keep your head up Lysergia you will make it through this.

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