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Not ever really sure what to write so I'll just give a little history.

I'm a 28yr old stay at home mom to 2 little ones ages 3 & 2. I'm married to my high school sweetheart. Been together 12 yrs and married 5 in Nov. I live in the town I grew up in and don't have any close friends. The 2 I do have recently moved out of town.

Now some more back history, when I was a teen I was diagnosed with depresson and was said to possibly have bipolar disorder. I believe a lot of the depression was realated to my home life as I've never gotten along with my dad and my mom always believed the only way to deal with me was for me to be on meds. Between the ages of 11-16 I was on effoxor, depakote, Prozac, lexapro, wellbutrin, ambien, lithiam, Zoloft and trazadone.

I was never on anything very long as I always had crazy side effects. Also with the fact of me not wanting to take meds and fighting against it was what I believe gave the Dr the ideas of the bipolar.

Moved in with my grandparents at 16 and was ok for the most part. Took wellbutrin again for a few months at 18 then it's been smooth sailing since.

Fast forward to this past June out of nowhere I was hit with a crippling panic attack and life just hasn't been The same since. I've had horrible Anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Looking back I think the depression started creeping up after I got pregnant with my second and things just kept adding on over The last couple years. I've never delt with this kind of anxiety before though and only recall having a handful of panic attacks when I was 18. The anxiety has caused me to loose 13lbs since the end of June and giving me horrible "flight" feelings of wanting to leave my husband and at times my kids. My husband is a wonderful man, and has been trying his hardest to help me cope. My kids are my life, and I have always dreamed of being a mother so of course these feelings are feeding the depression. The depression has gotten to lows of suicidal feelings. Not necessarily thoughts just feelings if that makes any sense. The other weird thing is since June almost with my monthly cycles (sorry if that's tmi) the severity of my symptoms seems to be. Last week I was starting to believe I was on the uphill climb and feeling dare I say "normal" only to find myself feeling like I'm slipping back down that hill into that dreaded black pit with nothing to grab hold of.

When this all started I saw my primary Dr who gave me xanax and celexa. Didn't take celexa since I know it's close to lexapro and I was unable to physically get myself out of bed on that, tried wellbutrin (150mg in am) in July and went off cold turkey 2 weeks ago since I was wondering if it was making my anxiety worse and at that time my primary said I needed to see a pdoc and I hadn't been able to get an appt anywhere.

I've been seeing a wonderful therapist since end of July and just last week finally got to see a pdoc. She didn't give me any real dx, just gave me some suggestions on vitamins to try as well as a script for Brintellix which I haven't started yet since I was doing so well.

Lastly, while I willing to try meds as a last resort. I have to admit I am genuinely petrified of them. Maybe cause of all the crap when I was a youngster. Sure I've seen them help some, but I've seen them turn some people all kinds of different crazy which in turn brought more meds. I just HATE that I feel like I'm taking something. The side effects. The addiction.

I just want to feel normal again. Suggestions, links, and other post y'all think might help please feel free to share.

Wow. That ended up longer then expected, so If y'all are still with me thanks and Hello.

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Welcome to Crazyboards.


It sounds like you have traveled a long and bumpy highway!  I hope you will keep an open mind about meds, because for many of us, our meds are the only reason we're alive and talking to you. :)


Keep in mind that medications act VERY differently with young people than they do with adults.  Your brain is still forming when you are in junior high and high school, and that might be part of the reason why you got such terrible side effects.  I hope you will consider taking the Brintellix---we have a couple of topics started by people who are taking it, and for some of them it's working.


We believe in treating mental illnesses from a lot of different angles.  Therapy can be crucial, eating healthy food is a help, and getting enough sleep is crucial.  However, meds can sometimes be the key element in the whole treatment plan.  We don't use the word "addiction" in relation to medicines much here at CB.  I'm not addicted to my Wellbutrin, and you won't be addicted to Brintellix if you take it.  There are some patients who end up with a dependence on benzos, but addiction is kind of a strong word.


Try to keep an open mind, and I hope you enjoy getting to know our crazee bunch.  It's a very supportive group.  Feel free to ask questions and post in the various forums.



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I'm sorry, the only thing I was referring to with addiction was the benzos. I've know a couple people who were, very much addicted to them. (like going beyond legal means to take them) And it was scary seeing them try to detox off them then bounce back to them.

I do try to keep an open mind with the other meds, it's just the fear is there, and now I have my babies to think about too and with limited people to check in on me after I start something new adds to the fear.

Thank you for taking the time to read all that and reply. I have actually read some on one the threads on the brintellix. It's one of the things that brought me to this site. :)

Edited by pixiestarr
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That's good---I'm glad you're checking out those threads.


Benzos can indeed be tricky, but I've known people who have taken measured amounts of them for 15 or 20 years.  I think that some people just tend to have addictive personalities or brains, and they might end up addicted to alcohol or street drugs or other stuff.  With a competent psychiatrist monitoring your benzo intake, I think they can be a safe and useful treatment for anxiety.


Having said that, I know that some of our members have done very well with CBT.  I don't think anxiety is ever cured, but CBT can be very helpful with keeping it at a manageable level so you can have a life.


Maybe you could work with your therapist and have some sort of check-in policy while you are starting up with Brintellix.  If she would allow you to e-mail or text her if you are fearful or having a weird side effect, maybe you could get through the initial, most difficult time. 


Good luck and I hope that you will stay with us and make some friends here.  This can be a great support mechanism if you don't have that many friends in real life.



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