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Anyone Else Nearly Psychotic But Not Quite?


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I have dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life, and a few years ago after a traumatic experience a portal to what some might call transcendental realms was opened. Ever since my parents divorced when I was a child I have had a very rigid, perfectionistic, obsessive-compulsive personality, so anything even remotely alien to the ego-centered consciousness where I feel in control is something that I immediately shut down. At the same time as the divorce, I developed an interest in magic, folklore, mythology, and mysticism, but always as something that I read about, or as something that others experience, but not I.

 

So whenever I started entering into altered states of consciousness or experiencing things that we are not supposed to per the Newtonian view of the world, I would panic and immediately snap back to ordinary consciousness. I had these experiences sporadically for over two years, and then they tapered out over a year ago. At the same time as I was experiencing them, however, I was under a lot of stress at work and at home. I was working at a large corporate law firm, which is especially stressful for an introvert like me, at the same that my mother went back to nursing school, so I became the sole breadwinner in my household fresh out of college. My family was not very supportive in terms of helping out around the house, so I carried a lot of weight on my shoulders for a while.

 

My therapist and psychiatrist agree that I have some form of PTSD brought on during childhood. The experiences described above served as re-traumatizations in that I was exposed to a hostile or alien environment, both externally and internally, where my ego consciousness was exposed to overwhelming influences.

 

I quit my job a few months ago. Over the past few months, now that I have more time on my hands, I have become aware of or developed certain symptoms such as delusions and paranoia that have me worried about a possible psychotic break. I have never actually lost touch with reality, but I have a constant feeling of dread, a sensation that my head is fractured, and a feeling that my personality and ego are being threatened with annihilation at all times. When I go out of the house I feel an immense surge of chaotic energy, including feelings and inchoate thoughts, all fighting within me, and I feel that everyone is staring at me and is out to get me. I try to maintain a grip on reality, but it's extremely taxing, to the point where I have deliberately not gone out in weeks. I also have firmly head theories about mind control, etc., but know not to speak of them to "normal" folk.

 

I feel like I was brought to the edge of madness over the past few years, and am now teetering there, barely hanging on by a thread. I am interested in hearing from anyone else who has had similar experiences.

 

 

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I have become aware of or developed certain symptoms such as delusions and paranoia that have me worried about a possible psychotic break. I have never actually lost touch with reality, but I have a constant feeling of dread, a sensation that my head is fractured, and a feeling that my personality and ego are being threatened with annihilation at all times. When I go out of the house I feel an immense surge of chaotic energy, including feelings and inchoate thoughts, all fighting within me, and I feel that everyone is staring at me and is out to get me. I try to maintain a grip on reality, but it's extremely taxing, to the point where I have deliberately not gone out in weeks. I also have firmly head theories about mind control, etc., but know not to speak of them to "normal" folk.

 

This is how things started with me.  The delusions, paranoia mainly ... which led to hearing voices.  Stress and being over-tired make things 100 times worse.

 

Do you see a psychiatrist (pdoc)?  I was seeing one at the time all these delusions started,  but didn't tell him anything.  I then switched pdocs, and didn't tell him anything either for a few years, living in hell. 

 

I regret not telling my pdoc though because had I gone on medication right away, the voices, delusions, and paranoia wouldn't be so engrained in my head right now.  I became so used to them over the years I didn't tell anyone that even on meds now they are second nature.

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I stopped seeing him when I lost my insurance after quitting my job, but can see him out-of-pocket. I've been hesitant to do so because there's a deep-seated part of me that feels that I should be able to control my own mind, and I feel ashamed that I can't. That feeling of impotence is the most demoralizing aspect of this experience, and of mental illness in general.

 

On the other hand, I am hoping that it will go away. It's been four months since I quit my job and two since I moved back in with my family, so I keep thinking that eventually things will level out as I get used to my new environment.

 

Are the antipsychotics helpful for you at all?

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I stopped seeing him when I lost my insurance after quitting my job, but can see him out-of-pocket. I've been hesitant to do so because there's a deep-seated part of me that feels that I should be able to control my own mind, and I feel ashamed that I can't. That feeling of impotence is the most demoralizing aspect of this experience, and of mental illness in general.

 

On the other hand, I am hoping that it will go away. It's been four months since I quit my job and two since I moved back in with my family, so I keep thinking that eventually things will level out as I get used to my new environment.

 

Are the antipsychotics helpful for you at all?

 

I thought it would go away also, but it only got worse.  It actually became my life.  I literally no longer associated with the outside world except when I had to, like with my parents or something.  Even then though, I was still living in my own "virtual" world that was taking place in my mind/thoughts.

 

Atypical antipsychotics work better for me (although I don't know why they are called "atypical"; maybe someone else can chime in on that).  Abilify works great ... calms down the hallucinations a lot, helps my mood a little, but I am on a high dose (45 mg) to make that happen.

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