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I wish I could speak more freely


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Damn it.

 

It's really hard.

 

Whenever I get close to emotions about certain topics, I get really glib and sarcastic. It's hard to make space to feel the feelings that I have, even when I'm ostensibly in a safe therapy container. It's just so hard to speak. None of the words feel adequate. I wish I could telepath my thoughts directly to tdoc's head.

 

I have a really good relationship with my current tdoc. He's super open to feedback and asks for my preferences.

 

I wish I could tolerate having someone else in emotional space with me.

 

Anyone else get this way?

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For me it depends on the person.  For me it is a trust issue, so I can tell my pdoc everything, whereas I have no trust in tdocs anymore. 

 

If I saw a tdoc though, I couldn't tell them everything.  I would also wish they could telepathically read my mind so I wouldn't have to talk.  It is like there is just so much to say, where do I start?  And then the (hour) is up, and I have a lot more to say but can't because I have to leave, no matter how emotional I am at that moment or not.  So I don't want to let them in emotionally. 

 

With my pdoc it is different because he seems to "get" what I am talking about (just about always), and we can get a lot accomplished in the time I see him.  And I know he knows what I am talking about.  We have an emotional connection ... patient-DR ... but still it is there.  There might be a miscommunication from time to time, but not enough to talk about.

 

From all the experiences I've had, especially with tdocs, I have never trusted anyone more than I trust my pdoc.

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Whenever I get close to emotions about certain topics, I get really glib and sarcastic. It's hard to make space to feel the feelings that I have, even when I'm ostensibly in a safe therapy container. It's just so hard to speak. None of the words feel adequate. I wish I could telepath my thoughts directly to tdoc's head.

 

I understand. I do this with certain situations, the ones most uncomfortable. With my last and best therapist, I called myself on my own bullshit basically.

 

What if you wrote/spoke the thoughts at home, when the tdoc isn't there. Then you can discuss it with him in person. Even just letting him know about this behaviour without changing the behaviour is a big deal.

 

You are using defense mechanisms that worked for you, that saved your life. But now they are not needed anymore. you ARE safe now, unlike in the past.

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I can't use words. I get silenced. It's why I swear by art therapy. It's not perfect either, but it's a semi-decent work-around. It's better than anything else I think, anyway. I often get lost in the metaphors, though, and am easily confused.

 

I know how hard it is to be unable to communicate what it is that you're trying to say effectively, though. It's really maddening and frustrating. 

 

I also have a box that I keep in her office. It was was originally there to help me visualize having a safe® place there. It lives hidden by office supplies in a locked drawer. Inside the box are things that I/we write or draw for her during the week. Sometimes it's easier for me to write them out when the feelings are overwhelming anyway. It also lets me play with a thesaurus to find the weightiest words that I can. I usually lose my vocabulary in her office.

 

I can't tolerate having her in my/our emotional space. So these are workarounds. They're not perfect, but they're adequate for now.

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I do this same thing. I tend to use humor to deflect and cover up something that I'm vulnerable about. 

 

I've told this therapist that I do that, and why. I explained that nearly always, when I'm joking in the middle of a serious therapy related conversation, I'm covering up some deeper reaction that our talk brought up, or covering for the fact that I don't feel comfortable. I've asked that she call me on it when I do it. That was hard, because she has done as I asked. But when she asks me to tell her what I'm really thinking, that pushes me into at least trying to articulate what's in my mind. 

 

If I'm having trouble telling her things, I try to explain that I can't find the words, or that my throat has been silenced. Then maybe I can try writing it out for her. 

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When I'm having trouble letting my tdoc into my emotional space, I write down what I want to say.  Sometimes just a few words to jog my memory/prop up my courage.  Sometimes I just come right out and say, "There's something I need to talk to you about, but I don't know where to start."  Then there are times I go the whole darn hour knowing I need to say something and not saying it.
 

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 Then there are times I go the whole darn hour knowing I need to say something and not saying it.

Yep. I have sat there for the whole session because I can't say it and the tdoc sits there looking at me Good Will Hunting style. <_<

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