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FAILURE

The word repeats again and again, manically, in my head like a record skipping. It reminds me I've fucked up again, didn't get out of bed again, couldn't force my body to move.

Days like this remind me of my brokenness. It reminds me of what a disappointment I am to the people who are now so PROUD of me. So happy I'm doing SO WELL. That I'm GETTING MY LIFE TOGETHER (at 29).

Underneath their words is the shared feeling of relief. That they won't have to deal with a "crazy" person anymore. They think I can just be normal now.

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy? If one could shake off borderline personality, slip off depression, wriggle out of PTSD and anxiety...like an outfit that no longer suits you. Like an outfit that doesn't complement the new and improved heavily therapized/medicated you.

But, one can't. I can't. And what looks like "normal" feels like a hellish charade.

Getting to work most mornings feels like driving to my own execution. Walking through the front doors, I have to remind myself I'm not dying, I need to breathe. All day I'm tense, on edge, nauseous from stress.

My heart beats too hard and too fast all day long.

I'm a child playing dress up. I'm pretending I'm competant, that I have a right to be here.

When the day is over, I take my first real breath and make a break for it like a prison escapee.

I've already called in "sick" enough to make people start talking, wondering what my deal is..wonder whether I'm just a lazy flake who doesn't want to work..I've made too many excuses and told too many lies to cover up what my real sickness is.

I'm told I'm good at what I do, but I don't believe it.

I can't survive with this job and I can't survive without it.

Just add this on to the series of failures that seem to be destined to define my life.

Edited by MacadamiaNUT
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I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you said. I however am not working, but a college student---struggling to get by. I often feel like I have to be normal, swallow the truth, and just go on with my day. When the reality is I am crumbling inside. Broken, or my favorite word- shattered. But I often wonder, what does everyone else feel. Do they like having to go to class, do the work, pass? Idk. All I know is my story is probably different than theres. But everyone in this world is struggling I feel. But the anguish and suffering of mental illness is hard to describe because it is so indescribable. You are so strong for going to work everyday. That is an accomplishment. I know its hard not to unravel. Maybe you need a break. Time to discover who you are. What interests you. What makes you feel more than just alive or normal. I don't know if what I said even helped. But I wish you all the best.

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I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you said. I however am not working, but a college student---struggling to get by. I often feel like I have to be normal, swallow the truth, and just go on with my day. When the reality is I am crumbling inside. Broken, or my favorite word- shattered. But I often wonder, what does everyone else feel. Do they like having to go to class, do the work, pass? Idk. All I know is my story is probably different than theres. But everyone in this world is struggling I feel. But the anguish and suffering of mental illness is hard to describe because it is so indescribable. You are so strong for going to work everyday. That is an accomplishment. I know its hard not to unravel. Maybe you need a break. Time to discover who you are. What interests you. What makes you feel more than just alive or normal. I don't know if what I said even helped. But I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much for that kind response. It really can be helpful just to be reminded I'm not alone in this awful struggling to be and act "normal"

I also find myself wondering how it is for other people to get up and function every day, many because they don't have a choice. Life isn't easy for anyone, but I also agree that adding mental illness to the mix brings in a whole other layer of pain. That said, I question sometimes if I'm just weak for not "pulling myself together" because it's "not that big of a deal" (things people have said to me as "advice")

I think you are also so brave for going to school and pushing through those awful feelings. It's an accomplishment every day you go there, so be proud :) be proud of yourself no matter what, for making it through each day.

I too wish you all the very best :) take care

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macadamia, I've been thinking about this post since I read it.  Just wanted to say I understand.  I'm 29 in a month and my parents are so disappointed that I need to borrow their car and some money when I've been living out of the house for a year and haven't asked for anything else.  it's like, BITCHES, I AM CRAZY, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT.

 

I feel the same way about work, too.  WTF do they want me to do, grow a new personality like a starfish regenerating a limb?

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It's not unusual for even working kids in their 20's and 30's to still need financial help from their parents these days, i know people who work, who still live with mum and dad because rents are so expensive and getting on the housing ladder is hard, so it's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Thanks for sharing your feelings. i have a hard time putting mine in words, but i relate to most of what you have written,

 

Are you seeing a therapist or pdoc at the moment?.

Edited by cady
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macadamia, I've been thinking about this post since I read it. Just wanted to say I understand. I'm 29 in a month and my parents are so disappointed that I need to borrow their car and some money when I've been living out of the house for a year and haven't asked for anything else. it's like, BITCHES, I AM CRAZY, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT.

I feel the same way about work, too. WTF do they want me to do, grow a new personality like a starfish regenerating a limb?

Thank you, just knowing you understand means so much. That's exactly it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't struggle with the exact same issues that you do macadamia, but I absolutely can relate to how you've been feeling. 

 

I think it's more helpful to think of mental illness as a chronic condition like having celiac, Crohn's, etc. You're never "cured" of it, you just manage it. And believe me, I know how family and friends wish they could just tuck a diagnosis into a file under "so and so's crazy years" and lock it shut, never to be opened again. But of course it doesn't work that way. Even if you could be "cured" of mental illness, it wouldn't erase your emotional memory. People with MI have seen and often continue to see the world in a much different way than those with more normally functioning brains do. It's only natural that "normal" things don't seem "normal" anymore, if they ever did to begin with. 

 

Basically, what I'm saying is it's understandable you feel this way, and try not to feel ashamed by it. As butterflykisses said, perhaps you can use this as an opportunity to explore ways of making a living that are more in line with who you are.

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I'm not that affected by PDs, but to be honest, I think I really feel what everybody here is thinking, so to speak.

 

Extending what Tarquin said, mental illness is indeed a chronic condition like celiac, diabetes, etc.  Viewing the other side of the dialectic, you could view it as a 'different type of personality'.  In other words, you may tell the world "I don't have a personality disorder; you just can't find order in my personality!" and then tell them to go sod their respective selves. :smartass:

 

Nonetheless, these mental conditions, regardless of if they are purely biological or purely an incompatibility with an evil society, (or anywhere in between!) should *never* be stigmatized, and I find it sad that our society does do this.  It seems that MI is put in its own special basket of people that society should hate for some reason or other.

 

At the end of the day, all of those who raised and mentored me my whole 31 years of life believe that they're happy that a misfit such as my own self found his way into respectable graduate education and work.  A terrible situation; but I am glad my own education and work are things I find personally fulfilling and worth devoting many hours a week to.

 

Those around me have mixed opinions.  One of my Master's degree professors told me that I should be hired straight to a top consulting company in her hometown (New York City) with a six figure salary, but despite her recommendations, nobody wanted me out of my Master's degree.  On the other hand, many of my parents' friends tell them that I'm doing the right thing in pursuing advanced doctorate level study in my field, even if it is for minimum wage.

 

The real thing you should consider, IMO, though, is if *you* are happy with what you're doing.  If you can take a tolerable 10% pay cut for a position that you're much more fit for, then I would recommend you take the pay cut in order to increase your personal happiness.  Plus, you'll shine in your field better than an overly-waxed Ford Mustang. :smartass:

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