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struggling to cope, does it ever get better?


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Sorry in advance I just need to vent.

 

What can I say, I am just feeling incredibly low again for various reasons. 

 

I started back at college this week; I don't really want to be there or be studying what I am studying but my options are very limited to change anything.  I hate the environment and being surrounded by so many people. I don't even feel anxious about going anymore (didn't need any ativan at all) just totally numb,  disinterested and full of panic about how I am going to manage another 3 years of this to get a degree. 

 

I saw my GP about 2 weeks ago and they increased my antidepressant to the max dose, said they wanted to see me again in 2 months. I'm struggling to cope, suicidal thoughts creeping back in. I've tried so many meds and this + ativan is the only thing that has helped.   Not sure where to go from here, in the past the GP has been very reluctant about referring to pdoc.   NHS services are crap in this area. 

 

I have chronic pain anyway, but on top of that I have developed foot pain recently.  Saw a different GP about it a couple of months ago and they referred me to the hospital.  I had that appointment today and basically it was to get insoles made for my shoes because I'm flat footed.  I was expecting an assessment with a doctor or something, not just an appointment with a technician.    I don't think insoles are going to help at all for various reasons and I have other symptoms like burning pain at night, redness, etc.  So I guess I will now have to go back to the doctor again.    

 

Totally fed up.  My life is pointless and going nowhere.  I have no friends, no partner, no job, little money... nearly 30 and living with parents.     Chronic depression, social anxiety and OCD for the last 16 years. Pathetic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm sorry that you have chronic pain and are also facing depression and anxiety.  I know that chronic pain is dehabilitating and to suddenly feel a new pain sucks.  

 

As for school, do you need to take a semester off?  Regain your balance a bit and then try again?

 

I was also wondering if you're seeing a therapist.  It sounds like you could use someone to talk through this with.

 

It does get better.  Sometimes its a long struggle, but remission/stability is possible.

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Crazyguy, I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate! It's so frustrating having MI and a physical issue on top of it...Doctors seem to be zero help and it gets soooo frustrating. I know the one day I was so sick, I phoned every doctor I could think of and nobody could get me in or could do anything. I'm still waiting for the one doctor and it's been almost 2 months now--so I get where you're coming from.

 

The one thing I know is you are not pathetic. I feel that too, but I get reminded of the fact that I'm still here--I've survived this long...and you have too. That's something to be proud of. And having these issues does not make you pathetic--we're just human...we could have had an illness anywhere in our bodies but wound up with it being our minds (and whatever other physical thing too).

 

I'm sending you a virtual hug because you sound like you need it--that's how I get when I feel this way. The only advice I can give you is be grateful for the support system you have--even if it is just your parents (hi, me too) because there are people out there who don't even have that. Not to minimize what you're feeling in any way--just trying to remind you of the good things you have--because I tend to forget them when I get upset/anxious/crazy too.

 

~BD

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I'm sorry that you have chronic pain and are also facing depression and anxiety.  I know that chronic pain is dehabilitating and to suddenly feel a new pain sucks.  

 

As for school, do you need to take a semester off?  Regain your balance a bit and then try again?

 

I was also wondering if you're seeing a therapist.  It sounds like you could use someone to talk through this with.

 

It does get better.  Sometimes its a long struggle, but remission/stability is possible.

I started university in 2011, took a break after 1 term then started a new course  part-time. Since then I've struggled through the last 2 academic years and it is going to take me 3 more to complete, although it could technically be done in two if I had some kind of miracle breakthrough in my health. 

 

What I'm saying is I don't think taking a break is going to help.   I hate the university and the subject and I have no intention to work in the area if I graduate..   The problem is I've invested so much mentally/financially into it and I don't think I could start over again.  Even if I could I don't know what I would want to do anyway.  If I leave now I have no complete qualifications and no work history on my C.V. , so basically unemployable in the current climate, not that I could cope with a job anyway.   I've been so isolated for years that I don't even know 2 people would could do me a character reference ffs - and even volunteering opportunities with local charities are asking for 2 references. 

 

No therapist, I tried to get to one earlier in the year but the NHS system we have is crap.  They wouldn't see me as I don't fit their criteria - too complicated and can't be fixed with 6 weeks of CBT.  I complained and they said they would refer me to secondary care (i.e. psychologist, psychiatrist) but they never did.  I need to chase up again but it just gets exhausting begging for help and never getting any.... unless you are dangerously deranged they aren't interested. 

 

The pain isn't that bad, I've got used to it.............. it is just that this recent foot pain is sucking the pleasure out of the one thing I had left that I actually enjoyed. And now the pain killers I'm on seem to be less effective (tolerance?) 

Edited by crazyguy
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oh and I realize I'm starting to do that really annoying thing depressed people do where everything becomes negative and all suggestions can't/wont work, etc etc. 

 

need to snap out of this somehow but not sure how.  I recently improved my diet and started getting more exercise and that isn't helping. 

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I agree with Rosie;  if you're miserable in your current field, having a degree in it isn't going to make things better.  Perhaps its time to reassess where you want to go.  I know that isn't at all easy when you're depressed as everything looks like shit.  I also agree with brokendishes: Now is the time to lean on your support system.  If your Uni doesn't offer counseling services, do they offer Career Counseling Services?

 

As for therapy, below are a few books that I have found very helpful:

Mind Over Mood

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412092458&sr=1-10&keywords=cognitive+behavioral+therapy

Mind and Emotions

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Emotions-Universal-Treatment-Emotional/dp/1608820157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412092500&sr=1-1&keywords=mind+and+emotions 

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Have you tried something like Lamictal or lithium or maybe even an AP with anti-depressant properties like Abilify or latuda?

no, I have no idea if my doctor would 'go there' to be honest.  Had some moderate success with my current meds so I'm wondering if an irreversible MAOI is the way to go but again, don't know if the dr would go there.    Last appointment was a couple of weeks ago and they said go back in 2 months..... feel uncomfortable with going back so soon again to be honest. 

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How would it be to have a doc who was more aggressive in their treatment, do you think? I ask because I need the people around me to put in an equivalent amount of effort to my level of distress otherwise I find them too difficult to tolerate.

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How would it be to have a doc who was more aggressive in their treatment, do you think? I ask because I need the people around me to put in an equivalent amount of effort to my level of distress otherwise I find them too difficult to tolerate.

anything would be worth a go right now.   I don't want to be doped up to the eyeballs but somehow I need to find some way to cope and get some motivation back.  The current approach isn't working and I guess the opposite approach would be a more aggressive line.

 

I've spent much of the day thinking about how I could kill myself but realizing I don't actually have the balls.  Also wishing I would be DX with a terminal illness at least I wouldn't have the choice then........ how fucking disgusting is it to think like that I feel ashamed and embarrassed. 

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The last 2 days have been slightly better. 

 

I think I am finally going to get referred to a psychiatrist, not sure I really want to see one but lets see how it goes.  Goodness knows how long the waiting list will be anyway. 

Edited by crazyguy
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I've spent much of the day thinking about how I could kill myself but realizing I don't actually have the balls.  Also wishing I would be DX with a terminal illness at least I wouldn't have the choice then........ how fucking disgusting is it to think like that I feel ashamed and embarrassed. 

 

 

Please don't feel bad about thinking this. I've felt this way too, in the past. It's not a mark against your character or anything; it just means that you're really not doing well right now.

 

Glad that you're thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. Maybe they can get your meds straightened out.

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