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Hi, I'm new, this is my first post!


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Hello.

 

I'm Amanda, I'm brand new to the forum and was hoping it'd aid in my journey towards managing my illnesses. I feel it may be benefitial to talk to and hear from others who know how hard it can be to function on a normal level when the world seems to expect so much from you.

 

I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar II (Hypomania), Social Anxiety and a Social Phobia. I had been misdiagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar I for the duration of my adolescent years (13 to 18) but finally after being hospitalized over 5 times in two years, extensive Psych testing was conducted and the true nature of my issues was finally realized and for once, everything made sense.

 

Finally with the BPD diagnosis, I was given a name to all the thoughts and feelings I couldn't articulate before. The Bipolar II made so much more sense to me than the original claims doctors had made throughout the years as I never felt stereotypically manic. I was able to participate in CBT and DBT which I loved, but the groups never seemed to last long enough and therapists trained in these skills are few and far between. After years of being on inappropriate medications targeting the major depression I didn't have, I finally found hope in medication through Lamictal. However it was short lived and within a year the side effects, which were a sacrifice I was willing to endure in exchange for the good, soon began to be the only effect the drug had on me regardless of dose changes or other drug combinations. Now I'm starting Effexor, with hope that it targets the overwhelming anxiety I seem to suffer constantly which triggers my other symptoms or at the very least sets me up to fail normal things like social interaction, impulsivity control, and crippling low-self image/esteem.

 

On the outside I'm pretty high functioning. I have a boyfriend of almost three years, a steady job, respectable relationships with family, no substance abuse or other vices. However, inside I feel hollow, riddled with anxiety and irritability towards everything, and like I'm constantly struggling to stay afloat in the tremulous ocean of my emotions. People both terrify and infuriate me, making it hard for me to not only work but interact with anyone or even make friends. My moods are influenced by anything and usually for the worse. My obsessive thinking and overanalyzing past and future events clouds my thinking constantly. While I have been getting better about establishing a sense of identity and solidifying who I am and want to be, I still have the most fragile self-esteem which coupled with my issues with rejection, makes it hard to have funcional interpersonal relationships. My impulsivity, in the form of promiscuity, has also lessened in recent years which has been a big help. My boyfriend is beyond supportive, and while in our relationship I'm not the manipulative, explosive, abusive Borderline most partners fear, I am the clingy, sensitive, fragile but also cynical and irritable one who I'm sure can be difficult to live with at times.

 

This turned into quite a long post, so I apologize. I just felt it was important to try to get as much out there as I could think of without writing you a book (although this might qualify as a novella).

 

On a more positive note, I am a huge animal lover (my boyfriend and I have four cats, two dogs, a snake, two pet rats and several fish tanks), I love traveling, photography, hiking, knitting, yoga, going to museums, laying out in the sun, and reading. I'm a Pescatarian, avid coffee and tea drinker, and carb junkie. I'm an intersectional feminist, atheist, and animal rights activist although not the radical or extreme versions of any of them (you catch more flies with honey after all).

 

All in all, thanks for having me. I hope to spend a good deal of time here as well as grow a healthy support system with you guys.

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