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Your narrative after your first psychotic episode/life-long delusions

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Hi everyone. Hope everyone is okay, and as always, thanks for reading. 


I know there's a topic about figuring out your life story after periods of emptiness (found here: http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/65530-emptinessnarrative-question-possible-trigger-warning/) but I wanted to start one about figuring out your life story and filling a void after realizing your delusions, which perhaps you went on believing as true for years (perhaps your whole life as in my case), aren't true. Can anyone relate to this? My delusions shaped my entire being I believe - it supplied me with my drives in life (to become more attractive as people don't like people with more African features, I believed; to become more less awkward because I believed everyone was talking bad about me, to name a few). It was always about self-improvement because I always thought myself deficient. This is complicated and hard to explain, but maybe someone can relate?


I still firmly believe that the anhedonia that resulted after I started my antipsychotics caused me to feel this emptiness, but now that my anhedonia seems to be relenting (I am enjoying music and am starting to seek out reading material for pleasure), I am afraid that life will remain pointless for me because everything I believed true is actually not. It seems to me like life is not all about what is going on in your head for a lot of people, but I am very much energized by my own thoughts, and learning that my thoughts were actually not based on reality is difficult I guess, poorly put. 


So my question is, how did you restore your sense of purpose/lead a fulfilling life after learning that what you thought true and central in your life is actually not true?

Edited by iwishididnthaveanhedonia
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So my question is, how did you restore your sense of purpose/lead a fulfilling life after learning that what you thought true and central in your life is actually not true?


It was extremely hard at first.  I felt all alone, not connected to anyone/anything.  It was scary even at times.  Little by little though I became accustomed to the outside world.  Watched the news ... a lot ... for reality checks. 


I didn't socialize a lot, but I had my parents to talk to (not about the MI, just in general) and doing errands, hearing real people talk out loud (as opposed to the voices of "no one."). 


Also went to all my DRs to get checked, so I could see what was really wrong with me (as opposed to what the voices told me and did to me).  It took a long time.  I slipped back a few times, but I eventually got to the point where I was more into reality than the other world I lived in.

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I was running in the streets of Sydney, terrified I was being followed..... I could actually see cars with people in them following me (I couldn't work out how they were getting past one way streets and dead ends) and people getting on the train I ran to watching me.... I have never been so scared as that day.....


I acted like a spy and criss crossed all over the city and then when I felt sure I had "lost them" I went to an acquaintances place, who kindly let my exhausted self sleep on his couch for a few hours... (kind guy). He must have been thinking I was completely BONKERS.... which I was.....


That one took months to get over and I felt unsafe and very frightened for a long time.... life went downhill and I lost a lot of my capacity to manage anything....


Took me about a year to get better.... really looking back I should have been hospitalised I think, glad I wasn't in one way, but really didn't have the support then that I have now.....


It still haunts me now to be honest.... but I am much better...... finally...

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