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Anyone else feel 'guided' to sh?


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I don't hear voices, but I do feel prompted to sh when it's been too long. I think maybe I'm unhappy that I would do something like hurt myself so I want to put the responsibility on someone else and my brain just does that automatically.

 

Does anyone else feel pushed to SH? I'm not talking about the impulse or panic that often drives one to do such a thing, but a feeling like you've been told and told and told to take out the garbage so 'omg I'll take out the fucking garbage if you just shut-up' sort of feeling? Like it's a total inconvenience to my otherwise lovely day

 

 Curious as I haven't really come across it in the forums yet. Thanks <3

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Well, first, welcome to CB. 

 

Sometimes I have an urge that just hangs around and hangs around like you're describing, for days at a time even. Eventually if I ignore it long enough, it goes away. But sometimes I give in to it and SI. That's become something of an issue lately, as a matter of fact. I'm self harming in a new way and a lot of my urges feel like a task I need to do, or should do, but on the order of a chore. 

 

I think this is happening in my own head because of something inside myself I don't understand yet. I believe my chronically flat emotional profile is probably partly responsible; makes it hard to identify triggers, and may even be causing the urges. Like I'm trying to send myself telegrams. 

 

I don't have much to offer you, I'm sorry. Just the dubious comfort of a "similar here." 

Edited by Mim
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Hmmm sometimes I feel like I'm having a battle with myself. I feel like my body is asking for it but I'm telling myself I don't want to it's horrible.

I'll even tell myself I'm not enjoying this it hurts etc but until I've already done it once I won't stop?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thanks for the replies. Although I am sad that others struggle with SI it's less frightening to know I'm not alone. Yeah I'm actually pretty bad with pain and I don't enjoy it at all. Sometimes I have to look away! But it's like something beyond me. It's like my brain uses it as a preventative measure, almost like going to the dentist. Like 'I know you hate this but it will be all over soon and you'll be glad later' because it really does prevent panic attacks for me. 

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Do you think that if you got the panic under control you wouldn't feel the need for preventative measures?

 

My SI, being ritualistic, had a greater purpose. I'd get really upset if I couldn't fulfill that purpose - and I still feel called to fulfill it at times. But it's not as often as it used to be. It took stopping for a few years to make the overall 'must fulfill this goal' feeling to lessen.

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I know for sure that learning to control the anxiety would help. I think I even psych myself out sometimes, thinking if I don't SH then it will eventually cause me to have a panic attack later on, whether that's true or not. I have SH'ed when I was doing very well and it was 'just time' but that is super rare. I didn't know anything about anxiety until about a year ago when I was casually diagnosed by a therapist I ended up chatting with. Suddenly all the weirdness I was experiencing made sense. I had thought it was just part of my personality lol

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I suppose I just don't know where to start. When I was a teen my Mum made me go to a therapist who was a family friend, too. I very politely refused to speak to her and just kind of sat out the appointment. Years later my sister kindly set up an appointment for me because I was too scared to do it. She messed it up terribly and ended up sending me to some kind of urgent care clinic where a homeless man shouted at me quite a bit. They didn't know why I was there and said they had no therapists or anyone like that just nurses so I left. Was a little put-off and not sure where to go. 

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That's a good idea but I've never had a GP! I've been to a walk-in place maybe five times in my life for strep/bronchitis or things like that. I don't really get hurt so there was never any need for me to go to the doctor as a kid or anything. Another place where I wouldn't know where to start! I suppose if I was going to go somewhere I may as well just google therapists in my area and hope I get it right this time :)

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I was recently looking for a therapist in my area, two of the best resources I used was goodtherapy.com and psychology today. Psychology today lets you sort by insurance which was super helpful to me.

As to the original question. I think I have sorta felt like this. Part of it was because I had a daily routine and it just became a ritual of sorts. I felt that I had too even if I didn't want too.

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What MellyDonut said 

 

 

 Part of it was because I had a daily routine and it just became a ritual of sorts. I felt that I had too even if I didn't want too. 

reminds me of the behavior of an addict. No offense intended Melly.

It's like that with my morning coffee. I don't drink my coffee because I want to enjoy one, I drink one because it's morning. It's the same with my friend's after-work beer. With some other person's work break cigarette. It becomes systematic and the reasons for indulging in the addictive activity are slowly transferred from enjoying the activity itself to some kind of ritual we developed and now need.

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What MellyDonut said 

 

 

 Part of it was because I had a daily routine and it just became a ritual of sorts. I felt that I had too even if I didn't want too. 

reminds me of the behavior of an addict. No offense intended Melly.

It's like that with my morning coffee. I don't drink my coffee because I want to enjoy one, I drink one because it's morning. It's the same with my friend's after-work beer. With some other person's work break cigarette. It becomes systematic and the reasons for indulging in the addictive activity are slowly transferred from enjoying the activity itself to some kind of ritual we developed and now need.

 

None taken! Actually addiction was a really good word to describe it. When I became depressed I wasn't cutting because I thought it would help, I was cutting because I felt like I needed too. I had always done it at the same time, the same bathroom stall, in between the same classes. 

 

Of course that became a little harder when my friends started to catch on and started to figure out my times. I hated them for it at the time, but now I really appreciate it and feel horrible that I made them so worried. It was really sweet though when I think about it, my best friend knew that I was triggered my math tests, so after my math test one day she went straight to the bathroom cause she knew I would be there and told me we were going out for ice cream. It always makes me feel really bad though cause by the time she got there I had already cut and was washing my hands and she knew.

 

Don't why I felt like sharing that. Now I feel all sappy and sentimental for my best friend.  :(  Stupid college!! 

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Wow, so nice that you had such a friend! Your story has a warm feeling to it.

 

I've had moments when I fantasized about something like that, someone being aware and doing something like your friend did but always figured that was stuff out of stories and tv shows, with their impeccable timing.

 

You story makes me want to share one too. My closest friend and I went through rough times together and both did things we regretted to each other but always ended up forgetting all about it. When we grew up a bit we started engaging in self-destructive behavior together..  and then we were separated by our respective lives. We met during summers, engaged in these same noxious activities and then parted again, going to our respective colleges. I later learned that he was trying really hard to quit and that I was triggering him every summer.. We don't talk anymore, I just left. I cut the communications and wish him the best in his sober life.

 

I'm hoping to meet him again in a few years, see how life's been treating him since.

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