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The clocks tick. Time passes by without a glimpse. People grow up quickly. I watch around as the people I was schoolmates with are Finishing their doctorates or finding work after university in their respective fields. They are ALL married. My siblings are also married or engaged, and doing something with their lives. I get reminded or compared by my parents ( Separated parents, so two different households) that I am not as smart or fortunate like them all (Step sister, half brothers, step brothers, etc).

 

I walk the malls, and I see nothing but groups of people socializing and often find myself wondering what am I missing, why do I not have people close that I can go out with or do something with. 

 

My online friends alll have hectic lives outside of gaming or whatever. They always talk about their boyfriend/ girlfriend and their friends.I never had friends in school. I was the bullied guy. The joke. So when they talk about stuff, I am lost. I don't understand. I start to feel irrelevant, unimportant, broken, behind, lame, insecure, inferior... And the more I get to hear the more I understand, and desire to have friends in real life. 

 

My life is but a laugh. A joke. A plethora of failed attempts of fixing the same situation. And now I believe because it has been going for 8 years now, I am damaged goods. There is no repair guide. Not with the remaining time i have on this forsaken planet. Again; time flies by so fast we fail to recognize what we have. I guess I can be thank to be alive, but sometimes I disagree.

 

This struggle called life... It is tiring. I am exhausted. The more I try to help myself, the more resistance I face, the harder I have fallen. The more I fall, the more i have to pick myself back up again. I'm tired of feeling empty and this false sense of hope and that one day I will find someone, that i will belong and find people I can relate to and not have to use the internet as a medium to contact them through social media. I'm tired of climbing the mountains. I'm tired of feeling numb, feeling jealous of others, feeling alone and empty and this sensation of wanting or needing to fill it. I am done.

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I relate to this a lot, especially this, and most of all the part I put in bold: 

 

 

I walk the malls, and I see nothing but groups of people socializing and often find myself wondering what am I missing, why do I not have people close that I can go out with or do something with. 

 

My online friends alll have hectic lives outside of gaming or whatever. They always talk about their boyfriend/ girlfriend and their friends.I never had friends in school. I was the bullied guy. The joke. So when they talk about stuff, I am lost. I don't understand. I start to feel irrelevant, unimportant, broken, behind, lame, insecure, inferior..

 

In my case, I know why I don't have people who are close to me. It's because I don't let them close. Paranoia, mistrust, social anhedonia...all play a role in my own case. Yours will likely be different, of course. I wish I had more to offer you than a nod of recognition. 

 

Do you see a therapist at all? This is a good question to bring up with them. If you're wanting social contact, and just not sure "how to do it," they might be able to help you. 

Edited by Mim
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I can relate to some of this also.  Sometimes I wonder the same things you do, and when I am reminded in any way how little I do in my life (but the best I can), it makes things even worse. 

 

I hate the question, "So what are you up to?" or anything similar to that.  I just do not have much of anything to offer.  But I'm alive, and believe there is some reason for that (especially looking back at my past) but I just don't know it yet.

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I say keep picking yourself up. Allow the falls but just get right back up. I wasn't going to try and brag but 10 years I have dealt with depression. Not a single friend has shared my pain with me. I had friends but just on a work basis. Here 10 years passed and I am happy again. There were times I felt like I was just hanging on. Remember while you're holding on you are getting stronger.

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I don't have any advice at this point in time but I relate very much to this as well. I am married and I have children, however I feel I have done a bad job raising them due to my MI, it affects their lives very much. I feel like I failed my parents hopes and dreams for me and I too don't know what to talk to people about. I live a dreary existence and have absolutely nothing to talk about.

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I relate too... But i give you credit for going places alone....i havent been in a mall by myself in years. If i do go, i park by the store i need to go to and run in. I'd do anything to avoid walking the open spaces inside the mall:( So to me its awesome you can do that.

I get jealous too of people in groups...friends going out...people having fun.....people who arent sick. I try to enjoy what little things i can....a day where im not quite so sick, or if i can visit with someone or even a phone call. My therapist says it takes time to build support nets of friends. Maybe you could try that? Its going really slow for me because being sick all the time i cant even go grab a coffee with someone....but if you're able, maybe invite a coworker to coffee or a family member out to lunch? Its little steps to get to where we want to go.....i think it was Wooster who said, "how do you eat an elephant?....one bite at a time..."

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@Borkendishes I don't have a choice. I do 24/7 homecare for a gentleman and I need to get errands done regardless of the situation. I've gotten to the point where I just don't care about anything, but it still bothers me aas I feel pressured to be a more social creature. Not having ways to get out and go to events or find people is time extensive, time i don't have. I have tried to spark convo's in mall all of which ended very badly. One time, I actually ended up getting into a fight.

 

@Level_with_me I do. But each time I do, I get more exhausted. And hope is becoming a very scarce. And the more I hold on the more weight gets put on my shoulders. They are buckling. I feel as if they will snap in two any day or minute.

 

@melissaw72 Yes small talk. I am not one for small talk. Well, not necessarily, I like hearing about others, even though I do get jealous at times. But When I answer, I often pause to think. I mean the most constructive response at most times I can think of is same sH!t different day (pardon the language) which I often just disguise as good which is the norm I presume. I hate feeling like Im being reminded by all outlets that I am alone. Even the Social media tooltips/help even starts asking or telling me how to run my life. For example I've been single for 8 years give or take, and It keeps telling to find someone so I could update my status. Or I should go to college which I can't afford to go. Music. Video games. Websites. IRL talking. TV. Books. Internet. and more. At this point i don't know if its delusional thinking or is OUR society now spotlighting social hierarchy to a point where people that fit in these categories have more pull and say in everything, almost like a veto chip or a immunity over those that are not so fortunate (I hate putting things into categories. I really do, but this is how I feel and learned from experiences).

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Seriously tho, you do rock! I have a job that occasionally requires me to go places and do errands....I pawn those suckers off on anyone i can find!!! Totally respect the fact you do it yourself despite discomfort...i dont have your courage!

Just an fyi as a caregiver that can be emotionally draining....that might be a part of why you're struggling to be with others. I cared for several ill family members for a long time and the stress of it wore me down so i didnt care or want to go out. Im not sure how you overcome that...ive got just one good friend who has mexican with me and we unwind..l.have some margaritas and burritos and listen to the mariachi band....those guys are actually pretty entertaining and help loosen you up...i would never imagine id sing along but i do now. Fun people are contagious...any fun people around you can unwind with?

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The clocks tick. Time passes by without a glimpse. People grow up quickly. I watch around as the people I was schoolmates with are Finishing their doctorates or finding work after university in their respective fields. They are ALL married. My siblings are also married or engaged, and doing something with their lives. I get reminded or compared by my parents ( Separated parents, so two different households) that I am not as smart or fortunate like them all (Step sister, half brothers, step brothers, etc).

 

I walk the malls, and I see nothing but groups of people socializing and often find myself wondering what am I missing, why do I not have people close that I can go out with or do something with. 

 

This struggle called life... It is tiring. I am exhausted. The more I try to help myself, the more resistance I face, the harder I have fallen. The more I fall, the more i have to pick myself back up again. I'm tired of feeling empty and this false sense of hope and that one day I will find someone, that i will belong and find people I can relate to and not have to use the internet as a medium to contact them through social media. I'm tired of climbing the mountains. I'm tired of feeling numb, feeling jealous of others, feeling alone and empty and this sensation of wanting or needing to fill it. I am done.

 

Dude, I agree with you completely here and i'm considered "stabilized". Sometimes I wonder if we really are missing something or we just look at things in a different perspective now? Personally, I think whatever brain component handles the sense of belonging, socializing, and doing what normal people do to be broken somehow. I say this because I WANT to change but I can't. I was "normal" once and I really want to go back, but reality hits me hard everyday and makes me realize I might never get back there.

 

I think  you also have to understand there is no definition for "success". Sometimes those marriages and jobs acquired from heavy schooling are not at all what they seem to be (I've worked those jobs and sometimes they aren't worth it, no matter the income). Life isn't always about the two car garages, the big wedding, two kids, and that next promotion. 

 

You got to do your best with the hand you were dealt. What I have been doing lately is focusing on one thing I would like to fix at a time. For example, I want to finish my schooling. My next thing I want to change is my income so I am going to work on that. One goal at a time and one day at a time. 

 

Best wishes!

Edited by dnautics
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You are stronger than you think.  Being a caregiver is one of the most draining jobs you can have.  Is it possible to get an hour or two of respite so you can take care of yourself?  Do you have a therapist to talk to?  It's really important to be able to talk to someone who you can trust who can give you a reference point of what is normal while not shoving you down.  I can't deal with many people in my life so I'm fortunate that I found one who is just as strange as me.  I know this sounds really corny and you can tell me to go to hell but do some restorative yoga - even 15 minutes a couple of times a week and get outside somewhere; the woods if you can but even a park will do and sit undistracted even if you can only manage 2 or 3 minutes at a time.  Keep on keepin' on.  There really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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