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forced to get hurt


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lately i have been feeling really strongly that i need to let someone hurt me or degrade me, its not enough if i do it myself. its the reason i cant die, because i have to suffer for what i did before i was the current me. i believe i was a holy creature/deity and i did something awful and i got punished by being put  in a human body and now i have to get punished or else i'll never be free again, you know? a part of me just wants to die, but im sure i wouldnt be able to. even if i jumped from the porch or the bridge im sure they would force me to survive. im scared and i dont want to get hurt, but i feel a huge responsiniliity. i feel this way periodiacally, i guess,

 

yesterday i asked my boyfriend if he could beat me up, he said no and asked if i was sick. that i only ask him to hurt me when im sick. i think it upsets him. i have also arranged through the net to sleep with an old man that wants to dominate me i guess, and i know im going to feel disgusted afterwards but i feel like i deserve that. im 22 years old and this guy is old enough to be my father, easy. im in an open relationship so its fine but the thing is i dont want to sleep with him??? i just feel forced to, i feel like i have to do it. but i dont want to at all, i want to cry just thinking about it.

 

i dont know what to do?? i feel like its all fucked uå, my job, my life... maybe im just depressed? does anyone else self-harm like this? or can relate to it?

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I have an overwhelming need to be hurt sometimes. My tdoc is trying to get me to understand that it's an old feeling left over from years of abuse, amplified by people inside who don't realize that we're safer now. I struggle with telling her just how powerful it is. When it was really strong we had a safety contract. I hated it, but it did help. 

 

I'm sure that your boyfriend doesn't want to hurt you because he loves you. Would he be open to incorporating some safer bdsm instead? 

Can you cancel with the father figure? It seems, to me, that that could be re-traumatizing not only for you but for others inside as well. Have you tried asking around inside to see if this feeling comes from someone there?  

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I'm sure that your boyfriend doesn't want to hurt you because he loves you. Would he be open to incorporating some safer bdsm instead? 

Can you cancel with the father figure? It seems, to me, that that could be re-traumatizing not only for you but for others inside as well. Have you tried asking around inside to see if this feeling comes from someone there?  

 

i cant talk to the others inside me, i have never had that ability. they can take over my body and i can watch them do things, but thats it. i never understand their inentions or anything like that, or share their consciousness. i know one of them wants me to do this, though, she gets very excited and 'pushes' at me... like a pressure from inside of me?? i dont know how to explain it, it probably doesnt make sense to anyone else. i can feel her laughing. im only ddnos, so its different from did systems i think.

 

im sure he would do bdsm with me, thats how i met him the first time... but its not enough, i dont want to enjoy it, i want to be broken. i want to get badly hurt, for real. anything else feels like a fake imitiation. i need to be truly punished and faking it feels blasphemous

 

im sorry im so disjointed, im havibg a hard time thinking straight....

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Communication inside is a skill that can be learned. It's not necessarily something that comes naturally. Just because you don't have this skill right now doesn't mean that it'll always be this way.

I know what you mean about it being a pressure from inside - that's how I feel or experience sadness. If you are feeling that urge, and her laughter well, some people would call that sharing consciousness. I consider it more co-presence because it sure as hell doesn't feel very conscious to me. It's really unpleasant to be so overwhelmed by someone else's desires that may be so counter to our own.

Maybe you can work with her to find an acceptable substitute in some way. For me the more that insiders are thwarted (by me) the more that they make life difficult in retaliation. But you absolutely do NOT deserve to be hurt and you should not do anything that you are uncomfortable with. Absolutely not. You're safer now. It's a very weird lesson to learn. But you're safer now and it's okay to say "no" and to be safe and to not be hurt.

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I think I can somewhat understand this urge myself. I think it started after I stopped self harming, I would get this urge for someone else to hurt me. To be broken, because I figured I deserved to be miserable. I would get this urge to do reckless things, like walk around bad parts of the city in the middle of the night wanting someone to hurt me. 

 

For me I think it was an alternative to self harm. It's honestly part of the reason I'm feeling so strange about being sexually assaulted, I feel like I finally got what was coming to me after being reckless. 

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. I wish I could be of more help, but just letting you know that you're not alone.

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Communication inside is a skill that can be learned. It's not necessarily something that comes naturally. Just because you don't have this skill right now doesn't mean that it'll always be this way.

I know what you mean about it being a pressure from inside - that's how I feel or experience sadness. If you are feeling that urge, and her laughter well, some people would call that sharing consciousness. I consider it more co-presence because it sure as hell doesn't feel very conscious to me. It's really unpleasant to be so overwhelmed by someone else's desires that may be so counter to our own.

Maybe you can work with her to find an acceptable substitute in some way. For me the more that insiders are thwarted (by me) the more that they make life difficult in retaliation. But you absolutely do NOT deserve to be hurt and you should not do anything that you are uncomfortable with. Absolutely not. You're safer now. It's a very weird lesson to learn. But you're safer now and it's okay to say "no" and to be safe and to not be hurt.

 

it doesnt feel conscious at all. i have no clue why she wants the thing she wants. i believe she's a demon, but i dont know how she got inside me and i dont know how to cooperate with her.

 

and thanks, im not sure i truly believe that i dont deserve to be hurt, though. its nice to hear, but i can't truly believe it.

 

I think I can somewhat understand this urge myself. I think it started after I stopped self harming, I would get this urge for someone else to hurt me. To be broken, because I figured I deserved to be miserable. I would get this urge to do reckless things, like walk around bad parts of the city in the middle of the night wanting someone to hurt me. 

 

For me I think it was an alternative to self harm. It's honestly part of the reason I'm feeling so strange about being sexually assaulted, I feel like I finally got what was coming to me after being reckless. 

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. I wish I could be of more help, but just letting you know that you're not alone.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt, melly. i dont think you got what was coming to you.... 

i do this too, go out and do dangerous things so i will get hurt and sometimes i do get hurt and i feel weird about it. I think i deserve it, i guess. but it doesnt make me feel better either, so i dont know. its all unproductive....

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