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Confusing flashback


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Hi, I created an account because of what happened this evening, this is my first post.

 

I recently realized that I've been self-harming for years without knowing it. It was always when I was somewhere far away mentally. That brought me to cutting for the first time. Here's the thing, when I looked at my cuts it just felt so natural.. and then I got that flood of memories from years ago. Memories from me cutting myself the same way and at the same place.

 

I never went to therapy, I have no idea how I stopped but most of all I'm scared of having forgotten all about that until I saw my new cuts..

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Welcome to CrazyBoards.

 

I'm happy that you found us and sad that you need us.

 

I can understand why seeing injuries that you have no recollection of making would be really distressing. Dissociation is one of the ways our minds protect us from trauma. I'm concerned that you self injure when you're dissociated, though, because that can be a risk factor for injuring worse that you intend and/or dying from self injury that is not intended to be suicidal.

 

Would you be willing to find a good, supportive tdoc to talk about these things with?

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Thanks Wooster.

 

I'm in China right now and my Mandarin is far from sufficient to meet a tdoc. I'm planning on seeing one as soon as I get back to my home country. That's in maybe two years though.

 

My entire life I never admitted to having a problem, even when I had major suicidal ideation and when I self injured. This thread is my absolute first time sharing about that. I just hope I can continue on a more positive path, acknowledging the problem, discussing it, eventually more.

 

It feels weird and good to finally decide that I should seek some help. I feel panicky at the thought of sharing that with someone in real life though.. one step at a time.

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I know it can be really hard to admit to having a problem and even harder to ask for help. I think often we feel like we need to be so independent that we are ashamed of seeking help, when we never should be. I'm glad that you are admitting you have a problem and speaking about and looking for help. That can be extremely hard and I think you're already moving in a positive direction by doing that.

Is it possible that you could find an English speaking tdoc? I was completely against going to a therapist for the longest time. But finally admitting that I needed help and deciding to go to a therapist was the best decision  I think I have ever made. 

Edited by MellyDonut
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Thanks Melly. This is really encouraging.

 

I'll try to not suddenly decide that I'm ok and go in denial. I think coming to this forum was already a very good idea.

 

I feel exactly like you said. Have to be strong and then stronger. I'm glad you went to therapy and that it's working for you :)

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I'm happy I could be of help. I should note that everyone has a different therapy experience. The first time I went to therapy it was because my parents were suspicious of me cutting but they didn't have any concrete proof. So they made me attend therapy for 3 sessions. I was completely resistant to it and got nothing from it. A year later when I finally decided I needed help I saw the same therapist and loved her. So I think it is all about what mindset you go in there with. 

 

Also don't feel bad if you have to change therapists. It can take time to find the right therapist, and what approach you think is going to work for you. My therapist focused on mainly cognitive behavioral which really seemed to work for me. But I have had friends you have had to go through 2 or 3 therapists before they found one they really liked.

 

I hope you can find one in China. But until then I hope you continue to find other methods that help you. Supportive communities  like this I think are really helpful and can help you feel not alone. 

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