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trigger warning. talking about childhood/sex abuse suicidal ideation. ranting

 

hi all. a direct question: has anybody been sexually abused and/or beaten as a little kid and moved on to a place where suicidal ideation isnt a daily fucking deal? if so, please somebody just give me a yes and please give me at least a direction to go in. pm me if you dont want to post. for someone to come forward and dredge up that shit would be more than i could do.

 

now all the puke if you want to read on, but im really asking a serious question. if you have an answedr for me then you can pass on my bitching and moaning below.

 

ive seen several psychiatrists and psychologists. it always seems to lead to my earliest and most predominate memories. i can type out what happened but i havent been able to say the words to anybody in person. the last person i went to wanted to do emdr which i read about and it is hypnotism. ive been hypnotized. i can do the trance state thing. the thing is you have to tell your story with emdr.

 

why is it their business? i got beat up and used as a sex toy sometime before i started school. my mom liked that too. it feels like voyeurism talking about it with someone else. when i think about women having to publicly testify about rape - jesus christ that is nazi sadistic torture and i feel humbled by that kind of strength or bravery or whatever it is - but it is wrong to violate a persons dignity like that. what in the fuck is it with this world?

 

im just at the bottom of the pit. i have no friends. i get addicted to everything. i dont think i desrved this life. and im a big pussy to top it all off. 

 

i just get really down when i'm lonely. the best part of all - i cant touch - i mean intimately. anything sexual and my skin fucking crawls. i was able to have some very dysfunctional sex until the shit hit the fan and i got disabled. my life crashed and then i talked to a psychiatrist and i dont know exactly when it started, but my childhood memories now dominate my mind. i want to find the people who took me under their house and i want to watch them die. if i could see them be tortured to death i would. after that shit my nightmare life started. probably happened to them.

 

on the bright side? i have chronic pain and a decent doctor who helps me control it with meds. he is a little prick and i hate him. i have a roof over my head and i think my job is secure. (i work alone because i get fired around people.). i have a great cat. im sure theres much more. I'm sorry/thanks for reading.

 

 

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Trauma resolution therapy asks people to "tell the story" not because it's any of the therapists's business, but because the telling of the story and challenging the beliefs it caused to form is the way that our minds and brains process trauma to make sense of it.

 

The trauma I have is from something that happened as an adult. 

 

I'm still working on saying it out loud to someone who is safe.

 

It sucks. 

 

It's exhausting work.

 

And I can promise that it does get better.

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Also, the story telling can happen in a lot of different ways. It doesn't need to be a coherent narrative. 

For example, I have a box (slightly smaller than a shoe box) that lives in her office. When something is bothering me too much we write it down and it goes into the box. Sometimes we revisit the contents of the box, but really most often not. Just every so often to double check that they're still safe. I don't like telling her because she's a nice person and she doesn't deserve to hear the shit that happened. 

 

Sometimes we write it out with stickers and just use conjunctions (words like "and" or "of" or "with") to keep track of it a little bit. I'm really bad at using words. It usually just makes me cry. I don't do touch either. I can't imagine doing something as sensory as emdr. I do art therapy instead, because words are too hard. There are lots of therapeutic options. 

 

It doesn't have to happen right away, either. It took me over two years to feel safe enough with tdoc (we worked on other things instead) to start getting into it. Even if you don't really get into it right away (like me) there are other things to attend to. Things like how to cope with the time(s) of year that it flairs up, and how to make things a little bit easier. When things are a little bit easier it's not as tempting to get addicted to things. I don't really use any more. 

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