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Can denial be apart of my Schizoaffective disorder.Q


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I honestly think I have nothing wrong with me and managed to malinger my way through countless psychiatry / psychology assessments and hospital admissions, I don't know how but somehow I have managed to fool the medical profession, is it even possible to get a diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder and Intellectual Disability (IQ under 70) by faking it or is a really strong hold belief that I have faked it and their is nothing wrong with me a delusion? 

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Of course it's possible to fake those conditions, just not particularly easy. Just the fact that you can comprehend the idea of a delusion would suggest an IQ way above 70. What I find hard to believe is that you faked your way through a hospital admission. You have to be in a pretty severe state before they even consider admission and then to keep that up for weeks on end? I'd say it's next to impossible, especially if you've never actually experienced those symptoms, just read about them. For example, how do you fake what effect a particular type of medication is having on auditory hallucinations? What effect does that then have on your other symptoms? You wouldn't just "malinger" through an admission, you would have had to spend months fastidiously preparing for it...

 

Which makes your post oh-so confusing.

 

It's not uncommon to think you're better and have nothing wrong with you when the meds are working, happens to the best of us. I just don't see how you could have a delusion that effectively raises your cognitive ability. I think you are best off returning to your pdoc for a review sooner rather than later.

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A couple of questions:  

 

Did you lie to get your current diagnosis?  If so, what was your motivation?

^^this. I suppose it would be easy to lie about something like hearing voices and also lying to get hospitalized. But why on earth would you want that?

But if you didn't lie about anything then you are probably just thinking that because things seem to be going well then there is and never was a problem. I don't know if that is considered a delusion. You would have to ask your pdoc that.

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I have a firm belief that I was somehow exaggerating my problems and told the consultant psychiatrist this, she said it would be near on impossible to malinger especially a Intellectual Disability because they go through educational records from pre-school too end of education and the IQ test is very thorough process and they would pick up on any malingering on the test.

 

If I had faked it would this make me extremely intelligent?  

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I have a very similar problem. I read up on a disorder then get this idea in my head that my symptoms aren't really my symptoms and I'm just faking it or vastly overestimating my symptoms for God knows what reason. Usually then I think I am fine and I just need to stop being so stupid and faking things, get off my meds, and get on with my life. I tried to tell my psychiatrist and she said I was just overthinking things so I have tried to put it out of my mind and have felt a lot better.

I think it stems from the fact that I was misdiagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (which has a parallel with your diagnosis of intellectual disability) after I became very withdrawn following a psychotic episode.

Tbh there is no magic I can share with you to help you know. I can only tell you the two things that let me live with this belief. Firstly, I know I do have hallucinations. I record what I see or hear at least once, and tell people about it, so I can't deny it later. Also, regardless of what is going on in my head I know I function better with the medication, so there is no reason to stop. Also take comfort in the fact that you don't have any bad intent from this as evidenced by how you feel about the situation now, and your attempts to find the truth.

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  • 2 years later...

I still think I have been malingering and since I wrote this thread I have been hospitalised another 3 times and had my medication changed. One admission was because I seriously harmed myself because I thought I had a microchip in me. I look back and think I faked it all. Do you think me thinking I'm a faker is because I'm either in denial or having a delusion? Do you think it's possible to fake schizoaffective disorder thought 11 hospital admissions and countless assessments or I have actually got something wrong with me? I'm in deep turmoil and have constantly thought about this for the last 5 years. I can't bring it up with my p-doc because I'm worried what he would say. I have read all my medical notes and there is no mention from the p-doc/doctors that they think I'm faking it or doing it for attention but I strongly think I am.    

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This is something that I'm also struggling with and I think it has something to do with them thinking I have BPD. How it went for me:

* Symptoms started slowly, people would look at me and I'd obsess all day about why someone had looked at me. As time went I started believing that people knew what I was thinking and that they could read my thoughts. I used to wonder why there were so many psychics around. Then it became me believing that not only were people knowing my thoughts but they were also taking those thoughts out of my head and replacing them with new ones.

* I was hearing voices telling me that I was pathetic and useless and that everyone was laughing at me. At the time I didn't know these were voices. I thought it was other people that were speaking to me but when I'd turn around there would be no one there. I started becoming suspicious of other people and started believing that they were conspiring against me and were doing everything they could to destroy me. 

* I yelled at people in public for stealing my thoughts and accused them of wanting to hurt me and that I knew they had been making plans with other people to make sure that I failed at University.

* I wrote long rambling emails to the university I was attending, accusing them of deliberately failing me and that I knew there was a conspiracy against me and that I would do everything in my power to expose them.

* I had voices screaming at me and they would constantly tell me to hurt myself. I tried to ignore it for a long time but it got to the point where I no longer could. Before then I had never self harmed and when I am well it never occurs to me but as soon as the psychosis and the voices start that's when it happens.

* Helicopters would be flying past my apartment at night on their way to the hospital but I thought that they were also being used to spy on me and had cameras attached to them. Everytime a helicopter would come into view I'd run out of the room and hide.

* The pharmacists were tampering with my medication because the government were conducting special mind control experiments and were changing the chemical formula of the anti psychotics to see who would be affected and what effects it would have.

* I started having horrifying visions when I would close my eyes. Even if I closed them briefly they would be so realistic it was as though I was really there. One of these visions has even left my body. I've seen truly awful and macabre stuff. Dead and decaying bodies, grotesque figures, evilness, hell on earth, eyes, lots of eyes just staring at me and it's so real it's as though if I reached into my mind through my eyes I'd be able to pull them all out of me.

*I was first diagnosed with depression (mainly because I didn't tell my doctor about all the symptoms I was experiencing as I was scared and didn't know who or what to trust).

* During my first hospitalisation, the psychiatrist treating me was incredibly rude, told me that having depression was my own fault and it was because I was unhappy with my life (I wasn't, I was very happy with my life). When I tried to tell him about the other symptoms I was experiencing, he wouldn't let me finish, just scoffed and walked out of the room.

* My second hospitalisation I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, told not to worry as it was quite mild, given a prescription, they wished me luck and sent me on my way. I didn't tell them about all my symptoms because of the way I'd been treated before. I know I should have but it wasn't easy.

*Third hospitalisation they told me they couldn't decide whether I had bipolar or schizophrenia. This is when the strange questions started being asked. Have you had a fight with a friend? Do you fight with people on social media because they disagreed with you? Do you get along with people? Huh? What's that got to do with anything? Mindboggling. When I asked why they were asking me these bizarre questions the doctor said because people who have BPD often fight with people and have a hard time getting along with others. I said well I don't fight with people, I get along brilliantly with others and I don't care if people disagree with me and no I don't have BPD. He said well it's written by a doctor here in your file that you do. After that he refused to discuss it with me further. I was given no assessments, no one sat down with me and told me that I had BPD and told me which of the symptoms I exhibited. As far as I can see I don't have any of them. I don't have a fear of abandonment, I don't think in black and white terms, I don't overreact or get upset over very minor things, I don't have intense emotions, I don't see people as being all good or all bad. The only symptom I have is the self harming but it's my understanding that people with BPD self harm because they feel emotionally numb and want to feel something or they are upset about something that's happened to them and feel they must hurt themselves. None of this applies to me. My experience with self harm is voices screaming at me to hurt myself. I wouldn't be doing it otherwise.

* My next hospitalisation I had another rude doctor who by the way he was speaking to me I could tell he didn't believe me about anything, didn't believe me that I was hearing voices, was questioning my diagnosis of bipolar, and asked me if I was just bored and if it was all just in my head? I was told they couldn't do anything for me and that I needed to find things to do to help with the "boredom". I was then sent home.

* Doctors then started saying that I don't have bipolar (even though I've had manic episodes and have all the symptoms). When I asked one doctor why he thought I don't have bipolar he said (despite not knowing me from a bar of soap) that my moods change far too often (they don't. 99% of the time I'm happy and content. I rarely get depressed) and that my episodes only occurred after something had happened and that it was environmental. Again not true. Nothing had happened and I had never ever had an episode due to something in my life happening and if that was the case how come when something has happened to me why have I never experienced an episode after it or been hospitalised because of it? If I was going to have a reaction to something happening to me then all these symptoms would have started a long time ago.

* Another doctor at a clinic I was attending for therapy said he was 80% sure that I have schizoaffective disorder and when I looked it up it pretty much describes me.

However, because of the way I've been treated and because some of them have got it into their heads that I could have BPD even though I haven't been formally diagnosed with it, I can't help thinking do they think I'm malingering because they think I have BPD? (From what I've heard some people with BPD make up stories to gain attention and sympathy). Well here's the thing. Why would I make any of this up? It's been an absolute nightmare. Especially the visions I constantly endure. If I'm making all of this up, what am I getting out of it? Before all this started I was attending University and studying to be a teacher. I had to leave uni because I got so far behind that it would have taken me a few years to catch up. I'm now doing a photography course that I'm loving and I'm in the process of starting up my own photography business even though I'm struggling immensely. Besides all the symptoms, voices, visions, constant intrusive and racing thoughts, etc I also find it hard to concentrate, stay on task, retain information, get motivated and I'm constantly overwhelmed but I try to push through it because I want to make something of my life and photography has always been my dream job. So if I'm malingering what possible reason could there be? It's not to get out of work, it's not to gain sympathy (most people I know don't know what I experience, they know I have a mental illness but they don't know the extent of it). But I can't help thinking that this is what they are thinking about me. I don't know if they are actually thinking that or if it's the illness telling me this. It doesn't help that I don't have an official diagnosis, well I don't know what's on my file but I will be making an appointment with a new pdoc so I can get some answers.

I'm sorry this was long but wanted to let you know that I completely understand these malingering thoughts and the attitudes of some doctors really doesn't help.

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