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My boyfriends "friend" sucks


MellyDonut
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I'm very annoyed because I had an extremely long post I just wrote and it just got deleted. So I'll make this shorter cause I still feel the need to rant. My boyfriend has a friend he met on the set of an small independent movie he is in. The girl is 16 and is his co-star. When I first met her I got a strange vibe about her but I thought I was just being stupid. She became friends with my boyfriend especially because she was a self harmer and he had also been a self harmer. My boyfriend became her therapist of sorts. He is like this to a lot of people. They call him when they are crying or upset. And he really bad for her because she said she had, had a abusive boyfriend, a crappy home life, all her friends left her, during the summer she had been sexually assaulted.And I felt really bad for her too and I canceled plans multiple times so my boyfriend could comfort her. Anyway I through the summer I started to dislike her. For clarity shake I'm going to use bullet points. 

 

Reasons I began to dislike her. 

  • Every day there was another extremely dramatic event that happened to her. None of which were ever her fault. She would call my boyfriend every night in the middle of the night with another problem. 
  • She had a new boyfriend every week that she would declare her love for. She would then dump them and date a new person two days later. (Not exaggerating.) She then whined about having to see her ex's (She had some many by the end of the summer it was inevitable) and complained about how they didn't like her. 
  • She had a crush on my boyfriend. Which is fine. I didn't care, a lot of people develop a crush on my boyfriend. But she was extremely immature about it. She would mope about it and told my boyfriend that it made her depressed when he posted pictures of us on facebook. 
  • She was immature and would steal his sweatshirts and stuff and refuse to give it back and send him pictures asking if she could keep it and stuff. 
  • My boyfriend comforts a lot of people, but every time he was with her he would be visibly more depressed, upset and stressed. 
  • I feel horrible for saying this as someone who was a self harmer. But, she was extremely attention seeking in her self harm behaviors. She would cut in very obvious spots, and then show them off. She made no attempt to hide her self harm and seemed to almost brag about it, posting on social media and stuff about it. 
  • She would use her self harm as a threat. 
  • She once self harmed with my boyfriend on the phone. She told him she was doing it. 
  • She seemed to self diagnose herself with a lot of issues. One week she was bipolar, borderline, PTSD, etc. 
  • She said she started to hallucinate, no one around her believed her. None of her depictions seem like hallucinations, and even her friends, who were trying to help her said that she seemed to be faking it.
  • When another cast mate who had been extremely helpful and nice to her told her about some of his problems she responded with "Yeah, that's nice, whatever."
  • She was the victim in everything. Nothing was ever her fault and she never took responsibility. Everyone was out to get her. Everything about her was "Poor me, pity me and how messed up I am." She also had this attitude that she has the most problems out of everyone. She treated everyone else's problems as if it was some sort of competition. 

 

There were a lot more but I forgot when the post got erased. Through all of this I didn't hate her and still felt that she was a girl who although might be a little melodramatic, was a 16 year old girl who had a lot of issues. And I couldn't fault her for that. I felt like she was not intentionally malicious.  And then, about a month of 2 ago she was with my boyfriend and they were talking. She got mad for whatever reason (not at him.) and she pushed him against the wall he was leaning against, punched him, and then wrapped her hands around his throat and choked him. She left bruises on his neck. She then backed away, never apologized or acknowledged what happened. 

 

Then on Saturday after not seeing each other for a while they had to go do something for the movie. My boyfriend forgot his script in his dorm and she walked with him to go back and get it. When they got into his dorm she pulled on his tie and kissed him. He pushed her away, she got angry and pushed him into his bedpost and punched him in the sides and stomach multiple times. She technically apologized after this, but it wasn't really sincere. She said she just lost her temper and tried to lean her head against his chest. 

 

I really gave this girl the benefit of the doubt, but I honestly think that she is an absolute brat. I know that some bad things have happened to her, and I'm sorry for that, but it is not an excuse for physical violence. She doesn't think she did anything wrong, and has continuously crossed boundaries with my boyfriend and then played dumb. She has never cared about him or any of the things that he is struggling with. She seems to screw over anyone who tries to help her. I have a feeling that her having a break with her friends was not purely there fault if this is how she treats the people who try to be her friend. My boyfriend and his other cast mates, who all were extremely sympathetic to her, are starting not to like her as she begins to treat them like crap. She seems not to be trustworthy or truthful, and no one can trusts what she says. She's not the innocent blameless victim that she makes herself to be. She is a little brat who honestly seeks attention from everyone and tells everyone she meets about her life story and is immature and melodramatic. Every single week some new traumatic event happens to her. She see's her ex in the hallway and turns in into this traumatic event and will go on about it for hours. Poor her, poor her, poor her. 

 

Honestly I think she does need some help, and I hope she gets the help she needs. But on top of that I think she is an absolute brat, and she needs to leave my boyfriend alone. My boyfriend has been nothing but nice to her. He has been on the phone with her for hours, come to her house when she is upset, he has cancelled plans and dropped everything for her because she makes everything seem so urgent. He has been nothing but sweet and went above and beyond for her which she never deserved in the first place. She has no right to treat my boyfriend this way. And if she ever touches him ever again I swear I'm going to tell her how horrible she has been to him and make her cry and she won't ever go near him ever again. 

 

 

Sorry, that is my rant. I know it's mean. But no one hurts my boyfriend.  :angry:

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I don't think it is mean what you think ... I think you have been more than patient and giving (of your boyfriend) than a lot of people would be in this situation.

 

I'm not sure how I'd handle it, other than your boyfriend totally breaking ties with her, but then again if they are seeing each other every day to make the movie that would be difficult if not impossible to do.  Is it worth it for your boyfriend to be in this movie, for you and him to have to deal with her?  I'm not saying the movie isn't important, just that sometimes things are just not worth it.

 

If I were you I'd be really pissed.  I agree she needs help, but am not sure how I'd approach that with her.

 

Maybe find a therapist (just a random one in the area from the yellow pages or somewhere) and give her all the information, tell her to call the therapist, and tell her it is getting to be too much for her to be talking etc to your boyfriend (because it is affecting your relationship with him ... if he's coming home depressed etc then he's not exactly going to be much fun).

 

Thing is, is that if she ever did something and blamed it on your boyfriend, and he then got into some sort of trouble or was obligated to do something he didn't want to do, what would happen then, you know?  Does your boyfriend want that responsibility?

 

Have you had a talk with your boyfriend about all of this?

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If I were you I would give him an ultimatum:cut all ties immediately with this girl or you are gone. She sounds like nothing but trouble, and he is not her therapist. She needs a professional to help her, your boyfriend is not qualified.

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Ok.

 

If this was a man behaving in this way towards a woman, you would tell the woman that you would be afraid she'd be sexually assaulted or beat up.

Am I right?

You'd advise her to get a RESTRAINING ORDER.

 

Since they are on an acting gig, it may not be doable yet?

But that is what I VERY STRONGLY urge be done in this situation

Restraining order against her.

 

She's already physically attacked your guy.

That is NOT ok.

 I would consider her physically, psychologically and legally dangerous.

Yeah, she might make false allegations of who knows what, she seems the type to maybe do that.

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Luckily my boyfriend doesn't need to see her for another month or so, and because they're on a set he doesn't need to be alone with her, since there are so many other people. My boyfriend was afraid to tell me what had happened because he was afraid I was going to confront her. Which is the last thing I would do, I don't like confrontation. 

 

The boyfriend doesn't want anything to do with her, and has pretty much broken ties with her. She recently did see a psychiatrist, and my boyfriend actually gave her the numbers of my therapist and his therapist, not sure if she has gone yet. The boyfriend and I were talking and agreed that he does need to talk to her and tell her that what she did was wrong, and that he should not be alone with her. Which shouldn't be hard since the other cast mates are starting not to like her either. 

 

Thanks for the the feedback. I'm just trying to be supportive of the boyfriend right now, he was pretty shaken up since it came out of nowhere, and he felt guilty since he could have easily stopped her but he didn't want to hurt her and just froze. I just feel so bad for him, he was nothing but nice to this girl, he doesn't understand why she would do this. 

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I talked to the boyfriend tonight. He's doing pretty well, we didn't talk about it all that much this weekend because he just seemed to still kinda be in shock. I think talking about it with him made it a little more real and he realized that he needs to deal with it. He completely agreed that he thinks the best thing is to not have a relationship with her outside of the movie, which will be fine because during the movie he isn't alone with her. The real question is how to do that, since she doesn't think she did anything wrong. The boyfriend is thinking about talking to her and telling her that what she did was not okay and that he doesn't think they should be friends outside of the movie. Of course we are not sure how she will take that, but there is no way of her hurting him, she might get upset, but that is her problem. 

 

Talking with the boyfriend was good. I think he got it through his head that she isn't a friend and that this is her fault. He said he would rather think that she was sorry and didn't mean to hit him. but he knows that's a lie, and he started to realize it tonight. We also discussed that there were a lot of other behaviors other then discussed that were disturbing and that she has a very clear pattern of destructive behavior with relationships. 

 

One thing that really makes me angry is that no one can trust this girl. She has lied multiple times about things. We realized that she lied about not knowing how to swim so that my boyfriend would have to jump in and save her. We figured she knew how to swim because she was cast long before him, and knew from the beginning that she would have to swim, but never mentioned anything about it and conveniently forgot about her inability to swim. And I feel bad for even questioning it, but she claimed that one of her ex-boyfriends hit her. But it wouldn't surprise me if she had hit him first, since this is obviously how she reacts to things. And because she knows that someone else hitting her is wrong, but she doesn't seem to think that her hitting someone else is wrong. She also claimed the boyfriend was abusive because it was his fault that her school knew about her cutting, which means that he probably just went to the guidance counselor. We were also discussing how she would indirectly use self harm as a threat.

 

Sorry this is a lot of venting. But I never liked this girl, but I couldn't say anything because my boyfriend didn't really see it at first. So now everything is coming out. She just seems like a person who needs attention constantly. Which is why she is constantly going from one relationship to the next. And whenever someone isn't paying attention to her, suddenly a crisis pops up. If my boyfriend ever mentioned he had plans with me or something, a crisis would always pop up that day. We just don't trust her at all, and I feel bad for that, because I honestly don't like assuming the worst of people.   

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If she uses self-harm as a threat, I'd just say something like, "Then I need to call the police so you don't hurt yourself."  And have him get out his phone.  Police (usually) take self-harm seriously and will most likely be there within minutes with an ambulance.

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She sounds highly toxic and in desperate need of professional help. I'm glad your boyfriend is starting to see the light. You are way more understanding of  your boyfriend than I would be. Half the stuff you mentioned, if my boyfriend did that, I'd hit the roof! Dropping plans with me, to go "rescue" some other chick? OH HELL NO!

 

I'm taking it because you said he's in University that he's at least 18 or more. 18 year old male + 16 year old female would scare the shit out of me. As much as she lies, as attention seeking as she is and as much as she's "victimized" could spell legal disaster for your boyfriend. She could make up something and because she's only 16 and he's of legal age, there's some serious concerns for me. I'd RUN if I were him.

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"She doesn't think she did anything wrong."

 

"We also discussed that there were a lot of other behaviors other then discussed that were disturbing and that she has a very clear pattern of destructive behavior with relationships."

 

"One thing that really makes me angry is that no one can trust this girl. She has lied multiple times about things."

" And I feel bad for even questioning it, but she claimed that one of her ex-boyfriends hit her."

"But it wouldn't surprise me if she had hit him first, since this is obviously how she reacts to things." 

"And because she knows that someone else hitting her is wrong, but she doesn't seem to think that her hitting someone else is wrong."

"She also claimed the boyfriend was abusive because it was his fault that her school knew about her cutting, which means that he probably just went to the guidance counselor. We were also discussing how she would indirectly use self harm as a threat."

"She just seems like a person who needs attention constantly."

"Which is why she is constantly going from one relationship to the next."

" And whenever someone isn't paying attention to her, suddenly a crisis pops up. If my boyfriend ever mentioned he had plans with me or something, a crisis would always pop up that day. We just don't trust her at all, and I feel bad for that, because I honestly don't like assuming the worst of people. "

Everything you described, from her behaviors to the idle threats, really makes me she has severe issues that need to be addressed immediately. It's plain as day to see that she needs help but you and your boyfriend can't be the ones to give her that help.

As far as any further interaction is concerned, both of you need to get a restraining order. I know he needs to deal with her on the set of the movie but that's why there are things like police escorts. She's extremely dangerous and you and him both needn't be subjected to her lunatic behavior any longer.

 

Edited by Angeni Mai
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I'm taking it because you said he's in University that he's at least 18 or more. 18 year old male + 16 year old female would scare the shit out of me. As much as she lies, as attention seeking as she is and as much as she's "victimized" could spell legal disaster for your boyfriend. She could make up something and because she's only 16 and he's of legal age, there's some serious concerns for me. I'd RUN if I were him.

 

In some states, 33 of them to be precise, the age of consent is 16. I see what you're saying though and that's a good point. 

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The age of consent is a little tricky where I live. If you are older then 13, but under 16 you can consent to sex to someone who is no more then 3-4 years older then you. But technically the age of consent is 17. Someone who is 21 or older can not have sex with anyone 17 or younger. She's 16 and my boyfriend is about to turn 19. But when she reported the sexual assault the boy was 18 or 19 and got in trouble cause she was a minor. So it's a little confusing. 

 

That's a really good point though. I don't think she has a problem with legal action. Since there is also a high possibility that she called CPS on herself. The boyfriend is definitely not going to see her alone. The question is how to break off ties with her without her going haywire, and of course the sooner the better. I'm thinking to block her from his phone. 

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Everything you described, from her behaviors to the idle threats, really makes me she has severe Borderline Personality Disorder as I do some of those things myself. Show you boyfriend this and I'll bet you 100-1 that she fits all of the criteria. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

As far as any further interaction is concerned, both of you need to get a restraining order. I know he needs to deal with her on the set of the movie but that's why there are things like police escorts. She's extremely dangerous and you and him both needn't be subjected to her lunatic behavior any longer.

 

 

whoa WHOA right there.

 

first of all, we don't diagnose people over the internet, especially through a second-hand account of someone else's behaviour.

 

second, claiming that someone probably has BPD and then proceeding to describe their behaviour as "lunatic" is extremely stigmatizing.  there are plenty of other places on the internet to bash people with BPD if you feel the need.  this isn't one of them.  we actually strive to respect people regardless of diagnosis here.

 

carry on, sorry OP for the interruption.

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Everything you described, from her behaviors to the idle threats, really makes me she has severe Borderline Personality Disorder as I do some of those things myself. Show you boyfriend this and I'll bet you 100-1 that she fits all of the criteria. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

As far as any further interaction is concerned, both of you need to get a restraining order. I know he needs to deal with her on the set of the movie but that's why there are things like police escorts. She's extremely dangerous and you and him both needn't be subjected to her lunatic behavior any longer.

 

 

whoa WHOA right there.

 

first of all, we don't diagnose people over the internet, especially through a second-hand account of someone else's behaviour.

 

second, claiming that someone probably has BPD and then proceeding to describe their behaviour as "lunatic" is extremely stigmatizing.  there are plenty of other places on the internet to bash people with BPD if you feel the need.  this isn't one of them.  we actually strive to respect people regardless of diagnosis here.

 

carry on, sorry OP for the interruption.

 

I see what you're saying but this is where I'm coming from. I have severe BPD myself. I get not diagnosing somebody over the internet and OK, I get it. My point was that if somebody was being extremely menacing toward others and had this issue with everybody, that is the lunatic behavior. It's not the diagnosis, it's the behavior. Am I wrong? 

Like I said, I see where you're coming from but bashing anybody is not what my intentions were and I think we're all intelligent enough here to realize it without causing a scene. Not saying you are, it just comes off that way.

EDIT: Changed my initial post, lysergia. Hope you're OK with it as is.

Edited by Angeni Mai
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The age of consent is a little tricky where I live. If you are older then 13, but under 16 you can consent to sex to someone who is no more then 3-4 years older then you. But technically the age of consent is 17. Someone who is 21 or older can not have sex with anyone 17 or younger. She's 16 and my boyfriend is about to turn 19. But when she reported the sexual assault the boy was 18 or 19 and got in trouble cause she was a minor. So it's a little confusing. 

 

That's a really good point though. I don't think she has a problem with legal action. Since there is also a high possibility that she called CPS on herself. The boyfriend is definitely not going to see her alone. The question is how to break off ties with her without her going haywire, and of course the sooner the better. I'm thinking to block her from his phone. 

That's nuts but, nonetheless, the law is the law. 

You can get the restraining order filed first and have him ask if you both can go with the person who is going to serve her the papers so that you can formally break off ties with her. The last thing you want is to try to do it the "nice way" because, with how unpredictable she is, I wouldn't put it past her to be capable of deadly physical harm.

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thanks, Angeni, for understanding where i was coming from with that.  and i apologize for my tone - i forgot for a minute that i've retired my mod hat and got kinda bossy.  good thing i did retire that hat, my response was not very diplomatic!

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It's OK. I was having some issues with my thinking yesterday and was not "all there" when I posted the initial post. I'm glad you caught it because I likely wouldn't have with how I was yesterday. I'm sorry if I came off as an a$$ or anything similar. Hope you're doing well today.

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