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iaawal

Anyone on the Autism Spectrum want to share?

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I have empathy, I can work out how others may feel and *feel* it too, sometimes feeling quite tearful at sad things or whatever.   The problem is I have no idea how to show empathy to others and my main response is practical "how can I fix this", rather than the emotional response NT tend to give. 

Not sure about mimicry really, I find it exhausting trying to be 'normal' during a long conversation.  Constantly watching the body language and trying to adjust mine, the forced uncomfortable eye contact, etc, etc.  Just seems to highlight how 'weird' my natural communication style is. 

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I don't even engage in real life conversation unless it is is in a setting where eye contact isn't necessary. Because I just can't look at people when they talk to me or I talk to them, and they always ask "why don't you look at people?" And say "it is rude to not look at people when talking, you know". 

No, I don't know. To me it is rude to stare at people, so doing so during conversation is the same. I don't have the natural instinct to maintain or provide eye contact, but why does that even matter? At least I actually talk, despite dreading it and finding it extremely exhausting. 

I hate the "why don't you care about me?" Sorry it never crossed my mind to care about you. Sorry that expressing emotion towards you, or seeing you do it makes me just want to fall asleep. I don't know why. I don't. It's just how I am. 

Oh, and taking things literally gets me in trouble. A lot. Sorry that I don't understand that you don't mean I actually want to piss on you when you say I don't want a pissing contest. To me that means you're accussing me of me of literally pissing on you, which is disgusting. 

Numerous other times taking things literally has got me into trouble or left me alone because people don't want to be around someone that is so literal, rigid and doesn't get jokes. Sorry that I just don't think most things people say are funny. 

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It's really tiring. I can't tell if people like talking to me or are just being polite. My professor said something to me the other day and I'm not sure whether he was joking or insulting me. I feel awkward talking to people, I'm always paranoid I'll do or say something wrong.

I've seen Kill La Kill literally four times in the past three months and I'm still looking up fanart and shit of it. Animes just come along and ruin my life for a few months at a time.

Yep, there's my autistic journal entry for the day.

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My parents have been telling me lately that my tone doesn't match what I'm saying.  I'll ask my dad what he is watching and he starts getting angry because I apparently sounded like I was being critical of what he was watching.  I was just simply curious about what was on.  Another time my mom thought I was making fun of her when I brought up something from my childhood and I got upset (but didn't show it) because she thought that of me.

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I've gotten the tone thing all my life, especially from my mother. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 39, and I've still not managed to explain to her in a way she can apply consistently that this is just what I sound like. If she wants to know what I think, or feel-yes, complete with feelings!-all she has to do is listen to the words I'm saying. Reading between the lines-there isn't anything between the lines.

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Same here. People think I'm mad at them when I'm not (When I'm mad, you'll know it). I used to make an attempt to control it, but that didn't work.

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My mum's been reading Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome and taking notes. It's weird being talked about in this way, it doesn't bother me, in fact I quite like it because I don't really feel like I know myself, I guess this is down to having a poor concept of self. This is all still new to me, hopefully I'll get an official diagnosis soon.

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opposite problem, people treating me assume i either 1) am terrified of social interaction - i'm not, i was a party animal until recently and totally confident - or 2) engage in this constant mimicry. I can't actually see facial expressions, except at emoticon levels of simplicity eg :-) :-( i tried those tests they have online and i literally can't see the differences. but there's no advice or help, and worse, they seem unable to think of anything to say, and just repeat the same stuff ('we can help you conquer your fears about going out' 'i don't have any' 'would you like help to be more confident?') I would LOVE to be in the position where i could see facial expressions etc and choose to use them or not.

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I really, really dread family gatherings. All my family is loud and a bunch of people are crowded into on place and everyone's laughing and having different conversations at the same time. And I'm expected to talk to everyone. I can't tell when they're being sarcastic or if they want me to go away. I used to just end up petting the dog, but now there are a bunch of younger kids who swamp the animals, so I have to force a smile and pretend this isn't overloading my senses. My (also aspie) brother just gives up and finds a quiet room to watch stuff on on his phone. But Mom expects me to be the perfect child. I like my family, but it's too much. Same goes for parties. To many people at once.

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How people can stand to use those automatic hand dryers is beyond me. It's a blaring noise that cuts through everything else and stops me from thinking, or doing anything. Hell, I can't even flush the toilet without covering both ears (I use my feet because touching that thing is unsanitary).

Same goes for parties where the music is turned up loud. And my mother's vacuum cleaner. I'm completely incapacitated by loud noises, which no one around me gets except my pdoc.

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I had an argument with my dad earlier this week. He said some very hurtful things. Part of it was that he thinks I don't want to help him out with jobs and that I'm just lazy and being punished when I'm called on when in fact I don't pick up the signals when someone could need a hand with something and don't think on instinct to help that person out. It's something I trying to learn now but it's hard to constantly be thinking is there some way I can help.

After a few hours he said he was over it and thought that this stuff must be quite normal for families. For me, it's just stressed me out, I already suffer with low self esteem and confidence and this hasn't helped in terms of depression either. I don't know if he's trying enough to understand AS, I'm thankful that he's willing to listen just like when my brother was diagnosed with ADHD though.

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I've been reading through the book Living Well on the Spectrum, it's really good. It provides structured approaches to daily living. I've read a few books now, all with giving examples of people's problems but none have provided useful techniques in how to solves problems apart from this book. It covers areas of the day you struggle with the most, work life, community life, health, home life and it devotes chapters with worksheets to these categories.

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I wonder if my mom's sick of hearing about Japan. It seems like everyday I IM her pics of the beaches of Kyuushuu or say things to her in Japanese or beg her to let me study abroad there. She also might be going to Okinawa to work soon, and since I got a job with her this summer, I keep asking her to bring me. I can't stop venting my obsession with Japan and all things from it. I've asked her if she's sick of hearing it, she said no. Is she just saying that to spare my feelings? IDK

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Jersey, does she usually tell you if she gets sick of hearing about something? 

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Eh, she used to, up until about six years ago. Then I finally realized she probably didn't want to hear about whatever was obsessing me atm. Now the habit has sort of returned. So she hasn't had to say anything.

 

Actually, scratch that. I'm Skyping her right now and I went on about her bringing me to Okinawa (where she keeps saying she doesn't want to go). She just said "Jersey, stop it". I guess that answers my question.

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I've more or less dropped out of school. Again. Classes are still ongoing but they are mostly revision. Exams start in a week and are spaced out over a month.

Though I will be studying hard, it will be from home. When I go in I can't think, can't function. At best, I make it through the day without taking anything in and then collapse, exhausted, at home and cry and can't do any more. At worst, my senses become distorted, to the extent I don't feel able to trust them very much at all and it feels like standing blindly on the edge of a cliff. Then I will get home and melt down utterly. Cut off most of my hair without even thinking about it during such a meltdown yesterday.

A few weeks ago I was looking up groups for people on the spectrum but I couldn't find any that I could get to. Sometimes I don't feel loneliness at all (though utterly alone) but when I do, it is often so intense that it can feel almost as though there is no-one else in the world.

Then, even if there are people around I am familiar with, they feel like strangers, and seem to stop truly understanding anything that I say, which is very distressing. I start to wonder, can they literally not hear me? Or are what I mean to say and what I'm actually saying two different things?

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Amianthus, this sounds like something worse than ASD. Do you have a pdoc or a tdoc you can go see?

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Gearhead, I'll be seeing a support worker in a few days, and my doctor in two weeks. I feel for the most part it's just the building stress of everything at the moment, but I'm not sure. I'll try and tell them both as much as possible whichever way.

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