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Have you ever felt well?


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I honestly don't know if this was or wasn't worth making a whole topic about, if it's not I'm sorry, I'm really not in a great frame of mind right now.

So, while I was busying myself with pathetically laying on the living room floor tonight, I started to think about the times that I had felt "normal" (I'm actually not sure what normal really is though tbh) but, after a while, I realised that I could not think of a single time when I was really well. Not even when I was a kid, a freaking KID! What hope do I have as an adult? My whole life I've never been well and I know I'll never be okay, not ever. And I guess it's just kind of a harsh reality that I need to accept. Even when I'm on meds I've never felt really well. It's like I'm on a carousel that never ever ever stops spinning and now I'm just exhausted.

Can you ever remember a time when you were well? Or do you have periods between mania and depression when you don't feel so bad?

I'm sorry if this is a stupid post. I just feel so screwed up tonight. I don't know what's wrong with me.

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I don't think this is a stupid post.  I get where you are coming from.  Ever since a kid, I dont think I was ever normal ... I never got any pdoc/therapy help until 1988 (15/16 years old), but I can look back and remember things when younger that other kids these days don't have to worry about. 

 

Idk if I've ever felt kind of normal (between hypo/depression) ... I think I probably have but Idk it because I am questioning how I feel then, and then I'll suddenly turn hypo or depressed, and attribute it to one of those.  It is kind of hard for me to see in myself. 

 

Other people might see me as "normal" at times but I can fake things really well too, so I appear ok in front of people so I don't freak them out and push them away.

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I don't think I remember feeling normal since I was a kid. It's been a long struggle which leaves me wondering why I don't just give up. But then I realize that it is possible to feel better, and there are times that even though I didn't feel normal I feel well. Currently I do not feel well, but I know what it could feel like so I'm just obeying doctor's orders and hoping for the best.

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Sometimes I feel well for a few weeks at a time. Sometimes for months. However, when I feel well I always have a keen awareness of the bipolar. It is like walking across a balance beam. I know that I could fall at any moment. So even when I feel well there is some level of anxiety that comes along with it, if that makes any sense at all.

I recall some times when I felt well in high school. Looking back I think I was probably hypomanic. But I felt so good, so free, so successful (honors student, got into every college I applied to, in a selective art program outside of school, always had art shown at local venues.) However, as a child I was never really well. I'm sure that the bullying and emotional abuse I underwent didn't help me very much. Looking back I see clear signs of hypomania, depression, and mixed states during childhood. In art college I rarely felt well, spare during a year-long hypomania (which obviously didn't involve me actually being well.)

For now I have brief periods where I feel well. Sometimes they'll last as long as a few months. But in the end, the bipolar keeps coming back...

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Like others, I'm sorry to say that I don't think I have felt what I would consider normal since I was sixteen.  Although I must admit I spent a number of years self-medicating with alcohol (sober 16 years), so no normal there and I'm currently in my fortys.  But yea it has been many years since I have felt normal.

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Yeah, I was fortunate to experience normal back in March. It was kinda a shock, really, because I realized I hadn't felt that way in many years. It seems like I haven't experienced it very often, but my late teens or early 20 were best (unless you count early childhood). I guess my baseline has always been depression. A friend, who I had known for over two decades, remarked how different I was, saying that I was like when we first met. I hadn't realized that I was so different. I guess that's what happens when you become used to depression. I'm struggling to regain that balance, but it's proving elusive. During the peak efficacy of Ritalin, I get close, but then I drift back to depressed as it wears off.

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i remember feeling well very vividly.  through my childhood, adolescence, and teen years, i was a mess.  then in my early twenties when i had my daughter, settled down in a new city, decided to go to university, and began learning how to live without someone hurling abuse at me - i was WELL.  i would dare to say that i was happy.  i was incredibly functional (too functional, it was absurd what i could accomplish in a day).  i woke up every morning liking my life.  i looked forward to my future.  i set goals and reached them.  i was interested and involved in so many things - damn i even ran for student council president (the second woman to even try) because i had THAT MUCH self-esteem (and when i lost miserably, i did not spiral into any kind of depression or self-loathing - that's the definition of mentally healthy to me).  i was raising my daughter alone without feeling overwhelmed (that seems so hard to believe now).

 

i think in total i had about six years of that before my brain broke and i lost all of it.  hindsight says that those six years might have contained an awful lot of hypomania and that's why i was so productive and unshakably positive about the future.  hindsight says that i didn't know i was really a "we" who helped accomplish all that and shield me from the yucky stuff i carried from my past.  but none of that matters to me.  i remember feeling like i was a NORMAL HUMAN BEING who never once had a thought like "i can't handle this".  and i'll remember what that felt like forever, and i will always compare how that life could have been compared to what it became in reality.  i still long for that life.  i probably always will, even though it's been almost twenty years.

 

wow that was depressing.

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I don't remember the last time I was well. Like most of you guys, my "well" times included a lot of hypomania. So I guess that's not technically really "well" at all. I was bullied a lot during my childhood and teen years. I was emotionally neglected by my parents.

But when I first moved out to a different city for college I did very well. I was even asked by my honor's program advisor if I was bored in college because I asked to take a very heavy course load while working nearly full time. I did a lot of extra stuff too. Like honor programs and music programs/classes. I remember feeling like "I'm finally going somewhere positive with my life! Nothing can stop me!" I drove without constant anxiety. I rarely slept. I lost weight and felt attractive for the first time in my life. I even partied with older college kids for a while. I had a 4.0 GPA.

But eventually I crashed big time. Alienated myself from all friends. But I bounced back to scary full blown mania and was hospitalized for that.

And I was dx'd SZA at a state hospital along with gad and OCD was diagnosed when I was a kid. My IQ tested at below average. I was given SSDI on first try without a lawyer. I kept getting hospitalized over and over and over again. But I'm never going there again without a huge and major fight and against my will involuntarily.

I guess I may never see "well" again. I'm trying to accept this too. It's hard. I'm sorry you have similar feelings.

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I was well in my 30's, who knows, may be extended hypo, but extended period of feeling pretty good.

Now, not often , a day or so here or there.

I am losing hope for well.

I don't know why I take these meds, I don't really think they help.

I think I am worse taking them.

Not sure I care either.

Sorry for being a downer, it's just where I seem to live.

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Other people might see me as "normal" at times but I can fake things really well too, so I appear ok in front of people so I don't freak them out and push them away.

I do this a lot too, I am a master actress, lol. But it's really just easier that way.

  

Sometimes I feel well for a few weeks at a time. Sometimes for months. However, when I feel well I always have a keen awareness of the bipolar. It is like walking across a balance beam. I know that I could fall at any moment. So even when I feel well there is some level of anxiety that comes along with it, if that makes any sense at all.

I totally get this. Like its always there, always. I feel like this on meds. When I have days that feel a lighter brighter, I know it's still there, just lurking, waiting.

  

 

but none of that matters to me.  i remember feeling like i was a NORMAL HUMAN BEING who never once had a thought like "i can't handle this".  and i'll remember what that felt like forever, and i will always compare how that life could have been compared to what it became in reality.  i still long for that life.  i probably always will, even though it's been almost twenty years.

 

wow that was depressing.

That is so beautiful.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I was a total train wreck last night :/

I'm starting to think that maybe a part of my problem is I just put too much pressure on myself. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. When I first got diagnosed with bipolar my doctor straight up told me that this was a lifelong illness but that we could manage it. He said that his goal was to get me feeling atleast 50 % well. I get that some people do get better from mental illnesses but what about those of us that dont? I keep seeing get all these posts on Facebook etc for mental health week and they're all "it gets better.....it won't always be like this....there's light at the end of the tunnel." I find this more depressing. I would really just rather be told that hey, it ain't gonna get a whole lot better. At least that would be honest. Like it can be managed, but it will always be there.

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I had a two year period of stability on my meds (Jan 2012 - Jan 2014), and I consider myself to have been "well" during that period.  I don't like using the word "normal", because I really think there's no such thing.  I've had a rough year since January because the med cocktail I was on suddenly stopped working, and the months since then have been spent playing with dosages and adding and removing things. 

 

When I first got diagnosed with bipolar my doctor straight up told me that this was a lifelong illness but that we could manage it.

 

 

It was hard for me to take this on board too.  In fact, although I've had the dx since 2005, it's still hard for me.  When things started to go off the rails this year my pdoc had to remind me that there's no cure for this, that it's a moving target and all we can hope for at any one time is to manage the illness.  It's not a pleasant reality to take on board - it leaves me feeling helpless and frustrated a lot of the time, but what can we do other than keep working with our doctors and hope for decent periods of stability?  I do feel like the two good years I had are proof that it is possible to get the medication just right for a period, even if it doesn't necessarily last.

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I have this perfect memory of this lovely timespan roughly encompassing 1995.  Things were going well for me and troubles just kind of bounced off me.  It's not that things weren't going wrong; I was just very Zen about everything.  I was well and truly happy.  I had all of my needs provided for.  I had a fantastic circle of friends.

 

Whenever I think of what it's like to be "happy", I think back to that time.  It's what comes to mind when I think of being "well", because I had all of the right things going for me at the time (though this was pre-diagnosis and therefore pre-meds).  I'm not sure if achieving that level of contentment is even possible (can't step in the same river twice and all that), but it helps to have a goal to work towards.  Currently, my goal is always "better", since I'm still adjusting my med cocktail due to continued instability.  As long as I'm making forward progress, I'm "happy".

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I went into complete remission for 6-8 years. I am fuzzy on how long it lasted, because at first, I thought it was just a pause between depressive episodes.

 

My husband first saw my crazy just around our 5th anniversary. He had been warned (copiously), but I had a mixed episode, which I had never had before, so I was crazier than usual. I've never been totally stable since then. Or maybe it just seems that way in comparison.

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I am triggered by reading peoples emotional replies,but I am going to try and read these because it's a good post. I am currently DX with sza bipolar depressive type. I am very well and happy at this point and time. I am on Depakote Risperdal Wellbutrin Celexa And as needed Hydroxyzine and Atenolol. I try to stay busy with work and I feel this is one of the best times during my illness. Excuse me if I come off as rude. Now I will read this posts replies. Nice post again btw.

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I am triggered by reading peoples emotional replies,but I am going to try and read these because it's a good post. I am currently DX with sza bipolar depressive type. I am very well and happy at this point and time. I am on Depakote Risperdal Wellbutrin Celexa And as needed Hydroxyzine and Atenolol. I try to stay busy with work and I feel this is one of the best times during my illness. Excuse me if I come off as rude. Now I will read this posts replies. Nice post again btw.

 

Just letting you know you are not coming off rude.  I'm really glad you are doing so well.  I hope it continues!

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