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Heeeeeeeeello there people of the crazy boards!

 

I'm Anterrabae and since it's probably a pain in the ass to spell out, you can call me Ante for short or just 'A' if you're really lazy like me. (Just please don't use 'bae'...)

It's a character I really liked, out of a book, and not referring to the band that apparently exists. :)

 

So much for incredibly boring name explanation, now on to an incredibly boring introduction of myself.

Hopefully you're all very excited? :D

I am a twenty year old female from Germany. I enjoy writing and painting and drawing and reading and being alone in the woods or just somewhere far away from the city, even though I'm going through one of those funfun periods of not enjoying anything.

I'm currently inhabiting a single couch in the living room... it has already begun to form a permanent depressed area that my behind fits perfectly into. I might merge with the cushions any time now and I think we'll morph into a superior being, far surpassing all that has been before. So that's a plus.

 

I do see a therapist at the moment (tdoc I think you call them...?), who repeatedly suggested some form of inpatient/ clinical treatment, at least for some time, but my mother stands in strong opposition to that one and I personally don't know what to do or whether or not I still care enough about what happens to me.

So it's all a little complicated.

I'll try to sum this shit up:

 

Since ten years old I would go into weird detached one-or-more-weeks-phases that are really hard to explain, but during those I always knew I was being watched, observed by some sort of non-human beings. I started to act out on those thoughts (yeah, I was the weird kid). But never in a violent matter, so... I don't really know how people perceived me, but I guess they went with 'ooookay...ignore that one'.

Feeling weird, overwhelming energies and not human myself was all pretty common for me.

Age 14 or something I was pretty apathetic one whole year, like walking through fog all the time.

 

All the while still trying to fit in and 'be normal':  if only I would put more effort into this, if only I would be more outgoing, more confident, opened up more....

But even if I managed  (through horrifyingly embarrassing weird social errors) to grow more confident, as in 'Ah...I don't actually give a fuck anymore',

struggles continued to be the same and if anything grew stronger and lasted longer.

 

Age 16 I fell into a really dark place. No energy, skipping school pretending to be sick, period of disordered eating where I lost my period for six months, disconnected from myself, worst was being so tired ALL THE TIME.

Age 17 suicidal thoughts came along, demonic possession feelings,

then going up crazy energy levels to the point of not being able to focus and function,

when talking in class I would stumble over words and not be able to catch my breath, because I couldn't talk fast enough, extreme euphoria that changed into something very torturous and dark quickly, hallucinating every now and then

and drinking to cope and shut myself down.

I began self-harming, overdosing, strangling myself while laughing like an idiot, punching walls.

I wasn't all too well.

I somehow managed to finish my final exams, but fair to say it almost killed me. My marks of course were not where they could have been, so now I'm struggling to get into Uni/ college.

 

Before I could make sense of what was happening to me, my little sister very suddenly went into a severe psychotic episode. 

One thing I like about myself is that in situations of crisis, I can push my issues deep down aside, stock them up somewhere.

Still in school at that time (due to redoing a year) and well, had to be there for my sister.

I pulled it off best I could, but ugh... I did end up doing some really, really stupid stuff that is completely unlike me or who I used to be.

 

They kept her for eight months and she's currently visiting a treatment center thingy, visiting us on the weekends. I am a little bitter about all this, because WHY does she also have to suffer like that?

Why her? 

It's not fair and kind of ironic how things turned out to be. She was always more socially adapt than I was and I always felt so relieved that she had no problem connecting to other people until well,...that stuff happened.

 

Whatever it is I am experiencing, it hits me in waves of increased or decreased intensity.

My mom does know something's wrong, it's slipping through my carefully placed pretense, but she doesn't think it's that big of a deal, or nothing I couldn't handle on my own and with her help.

Usual suggestions are: exercise, get out of the house, you only need some work to do,

or the newest one which is a UV-sunlight-simulator-lamp-damnthat-thing that I now shine in my face for an hour to get rid of the quote 'abnormal tiredness'.

It only manages to slightly irritate me, sunlight's never helped me feel better and I am not getting any better,

but now she can tell me and herself that it's doing me good,

even though I am absolutely not acting any different.

I get that she doesn't understand a lot of the things I feel and do,

and that she's worried, she doesn't trust hospitals and doesn't want me in one,

 

so I am gritting my teeth and getting through the days somehow with whatever fuckery my brain decides to throw at me

(It's an alien force that has something planned out for me, and there is an apocalyptic feeling to it all, so much I've figured out)

but I am worried, because I am not well, being a year stress-free for the most part,

and now I want to get back into working a small job and internship to go on and study,

I just don't know how I will react to those situations, there is no telling.

 

At least I have my therapist to go to if something goes really wrong.

I'm not even able to get my drivers licence, because I freak out too much and have to stop mid lesson. Now I am behind payment and not calling in to cancel a lesson at the right time and well...

just fucking all that up again. 

 

That's where I'm at in my life right now. It's eh... become quite a long introduction. Sorry about that.

I guess I really needed to get things off my chest somewhere I could be understood for once.

I don't have a diagnosis right now. It's too confusing for me to figure this stuff out by myself and to suggest anything and... I don't really care about a label I'd rather not have at all.

But should I go into treatment one of these days, I'll let you know under what name the professionals decide to sum up my symptoms. :)

 

Thank you very much for being on the internet, guys, and... putting up with the stuff I may or may not write on here. :D

 

 

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I am a twenty year old female from Germany. I enjoy writing and painting and drawing and reading and being alone in the woods or just somewhere far away from the city, even though I'm going through one of those funfun periods of not enjoying anything.

I'm currently inhabiting a single couch in the living room... it has already begun to form a permanent depressed area that my behind fits perfectly into. I might merge with the cushions any time now and I think we'll morph into a superior being, far surpassing all that has been before. So that's a plus.

 

 

i like this

 

except for the

not-enjoying-anything-stuff

(yes. i know what)

(that's like too)

 

we got rid of our couch

so i can't morph with it

but there's always

the futon

 

welcome

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Welcome to Crazyboards, Ante.  I read your introduction and I think you will fit right in around here. :)

 

You can start a blog if you want---that's a great way to meet other members, because they will comment on your blog and you can read their blogs.  Don't be afraid to contact one of the staff people if you need help with anything.

 

I have a very comfy couch and I've had to learn to stay off it!  hee hee  It's just TOO comfy and I fall asleep on it.  I hope things improve for you and your sister.

 

olga

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Thank you olga! 

 

Yeah, I was thinking a blog would be a great way to express myself. People could read my stuff and comment if they wanted to, but could see for themselves if they really want to read through my rants. :)

I like the different things I can do and start on here. And how supportive you guys are. It's nice!

 

...Someone should start a guide on 'how to get out of your comfy furniture', a step-by-step one. I feel like its needed.

Even though I'd probably read it on my couch, which may or may not prove to be counterproductive.

Thank you! She's definitely better, which I am grateful for. :) 

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