jadegreendiva Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 I just got home from seeing my ex-boyfriend for the first time in almost three years. I've known him for about 20 years, and we have been friends for a long time. I've had a crush/feelings for him for as long as I can remember, but we only actually dated for a couple of months. Right now, life couldn't be better for him. He recently received a huge promotion and moved from California to Chicago. He travels from Chicago throughout the West to Hawaii for his job, so he actually visits California on a semi-regular basis. He loves life and couldn't be happier in Chicago. My situation couldn't be worse. I quit my "teaching career" in September to avoid a complete nervous breakdown. Now I am seeing my pdoc weekly (he also takes care of my counseling) and am having up to 4 migraines a week due to stress. About a month ago, I sent him a letter of apology for some really nasty things I said to him when he started dating another girl (he broke up with me, we were still friends, because our relationship was unclear, then he started dating a girl we went to church with - UGLY). He e-mailed me and thanked me for the apology, then updated me on his life. He asked me how my life was. I'm a brutally honest woman. So I told him. And told him. (I'm also dealing with family/parental issues). Last week was my first time back to my pdoc since all of this had transpired, and I just broke down in the doctor's office. Of course, he told me not to tell my personal info to my ex, so I sent an e-mail apologizing for "TMI". Well, my ex was in town this week. He made time in his schedule to see me tonight. We had a fairly nice conversation. There were a couple of weird moments where I told him I couldn't listen to a specific song anymore because it reminded me of him (only after he brought up the song and told me how much he loved it), but we had a nice time. We hugged, totally innocent. I came home and lost it. I had a glass of wine (I'm not supposed to be drinking, as I had a complete meltdown when he first e-mailed me and drank a BOTTLE of wine - so my pdoc said no drinking at all) and a panic attack. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I still totally love this man with every inch of my being. He told me that he'd be back in town in two weeks, and that he wanted to take me out to a spoken word club. ACK... part of my realizes I should run in the other direction, because I am never going to get over him, while the other part of me wants to spend as much time with him as possible. BTW, I know he has a girlfriend. He always does. He's amazingly good-looking (I'm being objective) and women flock to him. So it's not like he's going to date me long-distance. I don't think I'd even want to do that. Crap. Not sure if I am asking a question. Just needed to let this out. Thanks for reading. Sorry if it doesn't make sense. I'm still out of it. Jade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grousemouse Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 hi jade, i am the last person on the planet to give any advice about relationships so i won't even try. but i read your post and understand your pain. i was in a wonderfull relationship for a few months before it came crashing down and almost destroyed me. but i have no helpful words. nothing that wouldn't sound cliche'd. but i do know this, you cannot make someone love you. you cannot. people cannot be made to love someone else. life, such as it is, sucks. utterly. you have my heartfelt sympathy. grouse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 I think that you kind of already know that seeing him is making you worse. I am interested that you started off by saying how wonderful his life is, and how crappy yours is. Could this be a touch of 'I-am-so-miserable-and-used-to-be-happy-with-you-maybe-if-we-get-back-together-it-will-go-back-to-how-it-was?' on your part? Everyone life has the shitty elements to it, and unless we are really depressed, we are going to be too proud to tell our ex's if things aren't rosy. His life could be pretty crappy too. I doubt that getting back with him would make things perfect again. I have this delusional thinking too, I often fantasise about getting back with ex's and thinking that things would be just great if I did. It is an escapist thing, not real. And I suspect that you know this. Secondly, it seems that the people who are really caring for you day to day, the people dedicated to getting to you better, your pdocs and the like, all say to stay away. Doesn't that tell you something too? Starting on the wine and then having panic attacks and crying jags is not a good cycle to get into. I would advise that, hard as it is, you stay away. By being in contact you get your fix, enough to fuel the fire. He cannot fix you in any way, and it is kind of selfish to expect him though (though I am sure that is not what you mean to do in any way) Besides he does have a girlfriend, and it is not fair to her to rely on him emotionally, it is tempting him to be emotionally unfaithful and too intimate with you. You may always have feelings for him, real love like that does stay with us for years and can seem more idealistic and perfect the longer we got without it. There will be a time for romance and intimacy and love in your life, but that will be with someone *new* once you are better. Take care of yourself, you need to nurture and pamper yourself. Have a long bath, wear comfy clothes, stroke your cat or dog if you have one, see your family or friends that love you unconditionally, wear a comforting scent, east wholesome food, get some exercise, paint your toenails, read your favourite novel, watch your favourite movie (stay away from romantic ones, eh?) pray, do whatever makes you feel safe and loved. *hugs and lovingkindness* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iona_Viona Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 im going to be the annoying person that replies with the "i know how u are feeling" even down to the profession (im a teacher too). i love a guy i had and no longer can have. i kick myself everyday with should've would've could'ves and all that shit about not knowing what u got until its gone or even worse it doesnt go it just becomes your friend so u can be constantly reminded of how f*cked up your life is and how perfect theirs "appears" to be. yes u r a sucker for punishment. and if u feel anything like i do u will still continue to go back for more and more and more. u dont really care if all u get is negative so long as u r there because if u wherent there and he changed his mind and wanted u u would lose him again, and u couldnt risk that. so u take those bad experiences and hope the good ones are just around the corner. so as much as it hurts u continue back to him u admire him u are attracted to his positive nature and that belief u have that he really does care for u even if he wont be there for u. i cant tell u how the story ends. all i can compare it to is the grieving process only time will tell if your wounds from this relationship will heal. only u can make this situation any better. unfortunatly its all in your control now u just dont like the alternatives (stay friends and always pine for him, or leave and lose a friend). now if only i could do that, make a decision. i wouldnt keep calling my ex, offering to marry him so he will stay near me forever and not leave the country. LOVE STINKS AND HURTS BAD SOMETIMES Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thomas Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 Be careful of your heart; my thoughts are with you. Tommy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 I just got home from seeing my ex-boyfriend for the first time in almost three years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 I feel your pain, too, And also have no answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jadegreendiva Posted December 10, 2005 Author Share Posted December 10, 2005 Hi All, Thanks for all of the support. Of course, I'm not listening to the wise advice. I keep reading and responding to his e-mails and IMs. I guess I just need to get rid of him in my own time. ARGH. Anyway, thank you again for you kind thoughts... Jade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Your honesty is refreshing, lol! Is he initiating a lot of the emailing/IMing? Are you backing off at all? You do have to do this in your own time and do it in a concerted way, so no criticisms here. But the difference between a strong a weak person is that a strong person simply does the strong thing, even if they feel very weak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jemini Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 I relate a lot to this. Still love my first love and always will and when we've seen each other again, after years, I was torn apart. Love sucks. Hope that helps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Hi All, Thanks for all of the support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfoNut Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 It is always harder when they continue to contact you. Your little brain translates this into hope. Hope that you can be together again, that they regret having left you, that they're changing their minds and realizing the mistake they made. You talk yourself into believing that if you just play it cool when e-mailing or IMing them, if you don't let on how desperate you are to have them back, that they will realise that they want you back in their life. I did this for too long. I've got a thread in this forum titled "Obsession". She tore me to shreds, and I wanted her back so badly. Every e-mail I would scour... read hidden meanings into. I couldn't believe the woman of my dreams, who told me we would always be together, had moved on. Was already dating someone else. When I found the courage to stop contacting her, I made a huge step. Her new man had issues with her talking to me, so she stopped contacting me as well. I don't know if I would have had the strength not to reply if she had continued to contact me. Much easier said than done. I wish I had sage advice for you. I guess all I've got is make a pact with yourself not to initiate contact. It's a step. InfoNut Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 I wish I had sage advice for you. I guess all I've got is make a pact with yourself not to initiate contact. It's a step. InfoNut <{POST_SNAPBACK}>My problem is I don't have the whatever to keep the pacts I make with myself. Discipline? Maturity? As long as he leave me alone, I think I can value my dignity and self-respect and leave him alone. I've told him often to leave me alone, but he does exactly what he wants, when he wants without accountability to anyone--including calling me out of the blue, just about the time I've started getting used to the idea of a life without him in it. <shrug> I know it's up to me, no matter what, to maintain those boundaries. I don't *blame* him for anything. I just nurture a fantasy that sooner or later he's going to come to his senses and we'll be back together. But, as he points out, everytime we are together, I throw him out eventually. My position is that he passive-aggressively stages this by a myriad of objectional behaviors. Blah, blah, blah...it's a sickness. I'll look for your thread. Also, while I believe I'm torching for him, it conveniently gives me an out for be available to a healthier relationship. One that is reciprocal and such. I'm not unaware of what I get out of this deal. I'm just to the point of growing beyond needing so much dysfunction. I know it's part of a process that will ultimately play out exactly as the grand design dictates, but I still let myself get nuts over it. It is a distraction for me from looking deeply within. Something I avoid until pain makes it absolutely necessary. HB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zapoteca Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Honk, I just finished reading Jack Frey's book, "A Million Little Pieces", about addiction and kicking the habit. In one of the chapters, he discusses how addicts - even when they're off the substance - remain addicts. And they need fuel to fire their addiction. If it's not crack-cocaine-heroin-alcohol-pills-anything else the patients at the clinic were on and have now been off of for months, it's something else. It's fervent gambling over the Friday night fight. It's gossip. It's eating. It's wholesale and total consumption of the directives on how to be a good alcoholic, as preached by AA and inhaled by garden variety addicts who are now in a frenzy to become smooth, polished and accomplished addicts, spouting AA slogans in lieu of conversation. Basically, it is a rush towards self-annihilation - ANYTHING will do to obsess over, as long as obsession itself is protected. It's like the addiction is a huge furnace, it will burn anything to keep going. Kicking the addiction amounts to becoming indifferent to keeping the fire going, in whatever guise. Brilliant writing by Jack Frey. I had no idea. Sooner or later, life on the edge with this guy will become boring. You'll come to some kind of realization. Jack Frey describes it as coming to grips with how banal the situation is, how totally devoid of interest or redemptive qualities except as something to obsess over. At the moment of distaste, the scales will fall from your (one's) eyes and you (one) will come to see your (one's) magnificent obsession, your (One's) life on the edge, as what it really is - a not-very-interesting exercise in bad taste. Whew! Can that guy WRITE!!! I totally recommend the book, it was remarkable for its ability to totally take me outside of my (currently somewhat constrained and puny little) worldview. Edited to remind us all that if this post doesn't make sense, it's not me, exactly, it's my ADD. I simply grabbed the opportunity of a forum to rave about this super book. The book certainly turned MY head around about what exactly was I doing for three years, feeding my contentment with substantial personal space through involvement with a (sweet and compassionate though he is) man with unresolved PTSD from his childhood years of being-raped-by-one's-local-Catholic-priest-under-the-guise-of-this-is-a-manifestation-of-God's-love. God has a warped sense of humor. (That also is not original, alas). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Honk, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jadegreendiva Posted December 12, 2005 Author Share Posted December 12, 2005 Your honesty is refreshing, lol! Is he initiating a lot of the emailing/IMing? Are you backing off at all? You do have to do this in your own time and do it in a concerted way, so no criticisms here. But the difference between a strong a weak person is that a strong person simply does the strong thing, even if they feel very weak. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yes, He is initiating the emailing/IMing. I refuse to initiate anything at this point. On Friday night we had this 10 minute conversation (for him that is huge) via IM. On Saturday, I went out and bought something to wear on the 1% chance we actually go out in the next weeks... Jade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jadegreendiva Posted December 12, 2005 Author Share Posted December 12, 2005 God, girl, if (I'll call him Jack) were to contact me? I would be where he is in a New York minute, which IS where he is...NY...but he doesn't call. Sorry for the rant. I guess I'm freaking more about this than I thought. Dammit. I'm not bitter! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> HB... you are in my thoughts right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazySoprano Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 When my first love and I broke up, he cut off all contact. He wouldn't answer his phone when I called. He blocked me from e-mailing or IMing him. He still won't have anything to do with me, even thought it's been five years and I'm finally over him. It hurt like hell, but it was the best thing for me. It forced me to move on. Now, I'm in this long-distance (2600 miles) non-relationship (talk on the phone every night for an hour, but we're "just friends") thing with a guy who isn't over his first love. They broke up over a year ago, but she got engaged (to the guy with whom she was cheating on my non-boyfriend) about six months ago. I want to help him feel better, but I know this is one thing that you have to do by yourself. I know he likes me. Otherwise, he wouldn't keep calling. He's just really scared of getting hurt again. I don't blame him. That wasn't helpful at all... Anyway, do what you can to give yourself the space you need to get over this guy. I've been where you are. It sucks. Love, CS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 When my first love and I broke up, he cut off all contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jadegreendiva Posted December 14, 2005 Author Share Posted December 14, 2005 The Saga Continues... I think I may copy HB and start writing on the Springer Board about this crap. So I e-mailed him today (yes, I said I wasn't going to e-mail him first) because I have new Aimee Mann music, and I spent and hour making Aimee Mann CDs for him last night. I left the e-mail totally in the air - like what the hell do you want me to do with your CDs - mail them or what? He responded, same day (okay, before we saw each other, I was lucky if he responded at all, but it wasn't going to be the same day, that is for sure!), and says "I'll get them next week when I am in town. Make room in your schedule to reconnect with me if you don't mind!?!?! Already too busy for me?" Um, I am reading into things, right? This means nothing. He's a total flirt. ACK. Why the hell did I e-mail him to begin with. Thanks for reading my vent, or not! Jade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 The Saga Continues... I think I may copy HB and start writing on the Springer Board about this crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Um, I am reading into things, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jadegreendiva Posted December 14, 2005 Author Share Posted December 14, 2005 I love Aimee Mann, I saw her with Jack 2 years ago on the Lost in Space tour. She is sooooooooooooo awesome. I was looking at the new one last night...but while I'm Christmas shopping, I'm TRYING to buy stuff for other people and not myself, but it's so hard. I'm dreading hearing from, and not hearing from him during the holidays. I know he's going to be in town. His mother demands they all convene. I FINALLY was included in the festivities last year for the 1st time. She hates me, thinks I'm too old for him, and said to me, "AND...you have those children". Anyway, I'm really hurting over all this lately. It doesn't seem to matter if I talk about it, or swear off talking about it. I should leave town for the next 2 weeks. I wasn't thinking, I should have went to Texas over Christmas, not Thanksgiving. I would like to go somewhere like Northern California and just stay in Muir woods until I come to my senses. I better pack a lot of food. Wanna come with me? :-) Hugs, HB <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I'd LOVE to hide out in the Northern California woods with ya! And yes, it sucks not to hear from/to hear from them through the holidays. This is the first time in 3 years, only because I initiated the contact and begged for forgiveness. I've yet to hear anything from him about forgiveness for dumping me for another girl we went to church with, and telling everyone but me (I should stop before I break all of his CDs) - so I feel your pain! Jade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazySoprano Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 When my first love and I broke up, he cut off all contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Actually, I have yet to determine WHO exactly I'm getting over, Bradley, the dead husband, or Jack, his best friend and, perhaps, my substitute lover?My guess? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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