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The "I" word


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I don't know. I don't know what it means and I can't imagine it.

I try to have a somewhat open mind but whenever I try to think about what it might be like it becomes a slippery fish thought so I guess it's still too threatening to think about. I keep trying to look it up, but it's not working.

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...I/we want to have one history and work together as a team...I don't want to lose the others AS others so much as be more co-conscious.

But we were not really watertight compartments by structure anyway, we tend more to co-conscious multiplicity, we're DDNOS in here.

I think having us be an us but engaging in good teamwork will end up making us MORE adaptable than singletons, honestly.

 

Right now, when depression or anxiety aren't kicking our collective butt?

We are really noticing and digging on our growing capacity to think around problems.

...We're considering working on being private investigators, because we think we're good at being sneaky and inventive and looking harmless and such.

 

(It sounds like a really strange and surreal TV show...DID-PI...*wiggles eyebrows* *lowers fedora*.  But more seriously, being broke all the time sucks.  We gotta work on making more money. )

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  • 4 weeks later...

i'd be terrified if i thought that taking her advice was the only way to get better, too.

 

i'm actually offended by some of what she says.  such as:

 

 

 

I feel sad when I read accounts by individuals with DID who choose to stay dissociative. I fear they do not understand integration as a natural part of the healing process. I remember after I integrated all of the personalities, I was surprised that I still had all of the thoughts and feelings that had been labeled as personalities. I came to realize that the personalities were always and only a collection of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories that had been separated from normal awareness and from other collections of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories. Personalities are not real people. They are aspects of one person that have been separated from normal awareness. After my final integration, I realized that the personalities were a way to describe my internal experience. With therapy, I changed my internal experience and learned new ways to describe my inner thoughts and feelings.

 

um, NO.  i cannot begin to explain how absolutely and completely this does NOT describe our experience.

 

she talks like we aren't people, like dissociation is some kind of addiction, and that none of us can be happy unless we accept that the people we share our headspace with aren't "real" - they're a "collection of mental processes".

 

i've done a lot of freakin work to accept exactly who i am and how i feel about the events that make up the course of my life.  and so have others in here.  and we remain separate.  not because we even TRY to be separate, we just ARE.

 

there's a difference between resolving trauma and integration.  they are not the same and one does not mean the other.

 

sorry if i sound mad, i'm not mad at you, i'm mad at people who have integrated who push this agenda as if it were the only way to be happy or functional.  it's no different than telling someone they HAVE to complete a course of DBT if they ever want to stop being depressed.  there are many paths and many destinations that are ALL worthwhile.

 

i don't think we could integrate if we tried.  changes happen naturally over time and experience, for us.  some of us form bonds that don't break, so that we are always together, but i'm still me and they're still them.  if integration makes someone happy, great.  we'll take our power in numbers thanks.

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I am fascinated by it because it seems so unimaginable. 

I understand how people can be closer or further away, but I can't wrap my head around fusion, at all. Because it strikes me as such an incomprehensible puzzle I'm absolutely fascinated. But I'm also repulsed by it, and it's scary. 

I feel a lot of things that I don't have names for when I think about it. But I also can't stop. I guess it's my new self-trigger impulse, when I think about it.

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that's an important insight, that you can self-trigger with the idea.

 

i know i shouldn't but i think of it as kinda science fiction.  to me it makes as much sense as being able to somehow talk two (dozen) separate bodies into somehow fusing together.  and even if you could do that with mere belief, whose arms would you keep?  whose legs? who would get to decide?  i know, for some people it works, and it's what they want.  i just can't wrap my head around it either.

 

i think this is one of those things you don't have to think about unless it starts coming up as an idea that appeals to you.

 

i do like the idea of working in harmony (as much as possible), though.  i think that's a goal that's not so scary, and yet doesn't exclude the possibility of somehow taking that to another level.

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I have mixed thoughts on harmony too (I'm of many minds about a lot of things!). When I came out as the then-new front face it was terrifying to me. I don't really remember being trained for it (but it was a three-week process, ish. I just don't remember the details really) but I remember being very scared that I was going to somehow fuck it up. Really, I was chosen because the previous one was fucking it up so badly, but there you go.

I know that I was very insistent that we have a buddy system and that I never be left alone. That method lasted for eight or nine years. We were, by the end of it, exceedingly close. We've since grown farther apart again as we seem to have some creative differences on directionalities.

So I feel as though I have a minimal grasp on harmony, co-operation, and working together. Granted in a controlled manner and in limited circumstances, but it's a start. Even that seems so conceptually far away (and a bit daunting) to me now.

 

Our ten year old has a sense that, if only we all integrated with her, she'd have the best chance at a do-over. She hasn't fully grasped the "one-body" concept yet I don't think.

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you know, i think some of our youngest have the most potential for "do-overs" if there were such a thing.  they might not be doing the dishes every day, but they hold down the fort in ways that are beyond my ability.  i guess we all bring *something* to the table.  i get the feeling that only the kids who don't quite get that they wouldn't get their own body back would volunteer for the do-over, though.  the kids who are very aware of this middle-aged creaky thing don't really want it, heh.

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I think that being plural inside freaks out the singletons...at least it scared the crap out of my ex. Which is pretty funny. Like we'd have hurted her, we don't hurt people. We're good kids.

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