My apologies for the long post, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.
As the title says, I'm just picometers away from checking myself into a psych ward. I have shit going on in my life with my family that I'm just about done with trying to care about and mange. We have a live-in "stray" we picked up who is a mooch, a biggot, a homophobe (I'm gay), an a real class A ass hole. My friend and I and him got into a shouting match last night and he almost got violent with us. Of course, my mom, who is infatuated with him (and if I didn't know any better, is having an affair with him), hardly did anything to intervene except saying "stop yelling!" But that's another thing, I digress.
Not to mention, my mood has been on a downswing the last month into a massive, bottomless-pit of a depressive episode. I knew it was too good for me to be feeling good for as long as I did. It was the first time in years to be feeling that good for as long as I did. I was probably actually hypomanic because I got myself into some pretty nasty credit card debt that I can't pay off because I'm unemployed and have no source of income. I knew I was due for a depressive episode sooner or later, which is fantastic because now I don't have the willpower to get a job.
I can't get to my pdoc until, at the very soonest, Wednesday, and it's not guaranteed that I'll even get to see her then. It may be Friday, or even next week.
I'm heavily considering checking into a psych ward. I've talked with friends about which one in my area is the best one, and I think I've decided which one to go to. I'm just scared to death of being stripped of my belongings like my cell phone and everything. I'd like to at least have my pen and notebook so I could journal or something. Is that really what they do? Do they treat you like prisoners?
I've been taking copious amounts of Restoril (> 360 mg ) + gabapentin (>3600 mg) + Valium (> 40 mg) + Xanax (> 6 mg) + Thorazine (> 100 mg) + Zanaflex (> 12 mg) all at once just to feel out of my body. I want to be gone. I want to be away. I don't want to die, I just want to be gone. Away. Not here. Just for a while. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to go away for a long time and come back when things are better. I've been doing this every night for the past few days. My parents and best friend know about it, and it breaks their hearts to know I'm doing it, but I can't help it. I feel like I need to do it. I ran out of Restoril, so I've just been taking the combo without the Restoril. I've been slowly escalating the dose of gabapentin as I started out at 2400 mg. I'm almost out of Valium as they're 2 mg pills. I'm almost out of Xanax and Thorazine. Soon I'll just be left with gabapentin.
Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of this guy living with us, he has long overstayed his welcome. He was supposed to move out once he got a place of his own. He has a place of his own, he just has to fix it up. He hasn't worked on it in months. I'm terrified of him. I'm having paranoid hallucinations of him coming to harm me even when he's not here.
By Another Day!
I have dealt with my mania before so I know how to normally avoid triggers, but this time my mania flared up all I crave is sex, with anyone. I have never been one to just hook up with people but its gotten bad. I've slipped up a few times but I tell myself afterwards it didn't make it better I won't do it again but I do. I don't put myself in a place where I will alone with a guy but that hasn't even worked, please forgive my vulgarity but I met a guy I was just chatting with at a dog park, gave in to what I detest and don't want, as we found an isolated place to have sex. I don't want to be this person. That girl who just wants it I feel like I've become that I feel like people I pass in the street can see that. Does anyone have any advice? Please. I need this to stop.
I have finally decided to go off Wellbutrin (Bupropion/Zyban) as I just cannot live with this anger and rage attacks any longer. I spend my day swearing, (I can’t fit enough swear words in a sentence), clenching my hands until they are rigid, screaming and hurting my throat, telling myself I wish I was dead and having even more intrusive thoughts than normal, even thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night and I respond by telling myself to fuck off while I‘m laying there in bed. The anger has alarmed me and I can feel the cortisol surging through my body. I’m getting off this medication by myself without help because I went to see my psychiatrist the other day sand he virtually dismissed me and was clearly annoyed with me for having too many side effects and he was frustrated at how difficult I was to treat. There was no sympathy whatsoever. He said we’ve exhausted all avenues. I felt like a fool for not responding correctly to medications that he thought should work. It was a waste of money seeing him and I’m sick of doctors telling me it’s worth having numb genitals or inability to orgasm if you find a pill that gets rid of your depression. The doctor was frustrated with me before for all the pills I’ve been on that I couldn’t tolerate because of sex issues. The Wellbutrin didn’t do anything negative for me sexually (it seemed to have a big improvement on me sexually, actually), but the insane anger is just too much to live with. The anger was over the most minor of things, such as the vacume cleaner cord getting tangled, or losing internet connection. I’m currently on Lamotrigine 200 mg by itself which I hope will help my depression/anxiety.
so I have sadi this before but i have had many many mnay hallucinations over my whole life time they have been there since i can think such as this thing i used to see when i was 4-7 years old they have gotten more intense over the years there on and off they can last for months or weeks (longest being 6months) and im starting to question things like i thought i saw dead people or did i hallucinate them and its only starting to happening but its hard to explain anything and i feel so numb and i cant access my thoughts can someone please give me reasons why i could be hvaing these hallucinations
hey im 14yrs old and I have been doing quite a lot of research into some things I am experiencing and im just not sure if im getting anywhere and would like others opinion also I am sorry this is so long.
so cutting down to the point, It was only recently that I moved into my new house (we lived in our old one for 7 years) and I started to hallucinate things (we have been in this house for about six weeks) now it wasn't the first time I have had hallucinations but I thought I should look into it.
ive been having hallucinations every since I was young (like 4+) when I was really young I remember when I used to visit my dad (saw him during the school holidays) sometimes I would see something in a tree at the front I used to play in it was a boy a dead one really pale but the odd thing about him was he sometimes would have like tentacles instead of a body (so a head and tentacles or sometimes he had a full body) and I always got really scared and ran inside those rarely happened but I remember in year one (we had moved from my old place and somewhere new and I didn't have any friends) I would sit in this corner and cry but one day I saw a girl once again she was a dead girl she was old fashioned night gown that had blood on it not heaps just a bit and was soaking wet I dont know why but I wasn't ever scared I told her to get out of my corner and she said no anyways I became friends with her and im pretty sure she died from drowning she fell from somewhere hit her head (hence the blood) and drowned (why she was wet) and I vaguely remember these dreams that we went on her and I we saved a town or something It was weird I dont remember her name I know it was something with an A I think Annabelle sounds something close to it but I cant remember her name anyways one day she disappeared and I never saw her again and it made me upset but oddly I forgot about her until year 6 when I had one of those dreams again but she was older and it was weird and all my memories came back, I have many times seen dead people on the street they had like this glowing aurora around them that as how I knew they were dead that and no one else saw them (I just knew that couldn't) I have waved to them smiled etc. I also felt the presence of a person like someone opens a door and I just get this random information like John was his name 37 a wife two kids a smoker died in a car accident (made that up but it happened it hasn't happened since year six) I also have seen shadows moving Turing into things and ive seen things I cant really explain them like people sometimes there not and they move around I have heard things like whispers underneath my bed and footsteps scratches music playing etc ive also felt things I remember when I was younger I climbed on my mums perfectly made bed (you would see a if there was something underneath the blankets) and I climbed on it to get something from her bedside table and I felt a leg and heard hissing I ran away and when I came back nothing was there I cant say the exact age but I was around 7-9 years old and I got it really bad everynight for 6months I remember it was horrible I would see things (even in plain daylight) hear things feel things it was scary and I still get these hallucinations there on and off they can last a month, weeks a few days usually if I have a nightmare they come or if I talk about them but they do just randomly happen. I used to think I saw dead people but now im just questioning if I hallucinated it all or if it was real I know its not but im lost at the moment I cant tell if it is or if it isnt. also I go numb a lot I cant feel anything im like an empty shell and I have so many thoughts running around in my head but I just can't get to them its like a wall blocks them and when I do feel something its everything negative and I cry and cry. I think a lot I have so many ideas in my head ones that ive been told are not what a 14 year old my age think about that its deeper and I like to think in all honesty I cant turn it off even if I wanted to. I also have this thing it started with me wanting to become an author but I look at every detail like when I look at a person I look at like the liens on there face the colours in there eyes the movement of there mouth and I have periods where I zone out and Im numb but I cant stop I look at my hand and its weird I know its mine but its different it doesn't feel like it should be and then I cant stop looking at everything in detail I think I just have a really active imagination but I wanted to see others opinions im super concerned about the hallucinations I just want to know what they are.
I also wanted to add in that i have ADHD, depression , and high anxiety (and to add it in agoraphobia) also ive always had trouble sleeping at night
thank you for reading please reply i need some advice opinons.