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Depressed cause I want out, or want out cause Im depressed


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Im fairly new here. I've posted once but been a lurker for a couple months.
I feel like I want out of my marriage. Maybe not necessarily a divorce, just out. Is it the depression causing the feelings  or is it causing the depression.   How do you figure it out?
A little back history. 
We have been together 12yrs, married 5 next month. I've had a wonderful 8 yr remission for it to come creeping back in about 2 yrs ago when I became pregnant with our second child. Not because I was pregnant, she was planned but thats just when it started to creep back. I had been ignoring it for most of that time til this past June when out of no where I was hit with MASSIVE panic attack, and was ready to send myself IP cause everything in my life just fell away after that. I lost 14lbs in 2 weeks, I finally went to the dr and was given Xanax and Celexa, I took the Xanax but not celexa as I saw it was related to lexapro and It made me so zombiefied years ago when I tried it I could not get out of bed. I saw another dr which put me on wellbutrin, tried that for about 4 weeks but it made my anxiety hit a new time height. I quit it cold turkey and was maintaining a steady state since the middle of Aug until about a week ago.  I also was able to get in to see a pdoc in Aug, she gave me a rxs for Brintellix which I finally started last Friday.   

Along with my depression and anxiety/panic comes the obsessive thought of needing to leave my husband. The thoughts included leaving my kids when the 1st bout hit in june. I cant pin point a reason WHY I want to leave so bad. We were having issues in the months leading up to my fall out, but honestly I think it was my depression and I was just not acknowledging thats what it was. I was holding tons of resentment towards him for an incident that I shouldn't have, and I was honestly just being a major bitch towards him. 

While he has struggled to be majorly supportive directly towards me through this I know he is trying. He comes to counseling with our pastor over this, and even though he is HIGHLY against meds (I actually am too) he hasnt said a thing about me trying the brintellix. He does for the kids in the evening when I have trouble getting myself together.  He doesnt really say much. But I know he is scared, and hurt as I have been completely open with him about my feelings. 

He is an AMAZING father, a good husband, he is very loyal, and though he doesnt show it well he loves deeply.  I have always struggled with he thoughts of him loving me, more then I can love him.  Id pick him time and time again to be the father of our kids, but Im not sure I'd marry him again. I think I would but im not sure... Mainly because I feel like I dont deserve him.  Im just struggling so bad with this thoughts. They make me feel SO guilty. SO horrible. I cant imagine not having him in my life somehow, he is my closet friend.  Its like im not "In love" with him. If I left Id worry all the time about how he is, and if he moved on Id probably be upset. I hate the idea of tearing the family apart. Im sure our son would have trouble with it. SO WHY are these thoughts so OBSESSIVE. why cant I get them to leave. I wish this would all go away and I could just be happy and content with my little family.
 
Not to mention if I left Im left with very limited options. Im a stay at home mom and havent worked in 4 yrs. So I could go to my parents. We have a so-so relationship and im not sure how welcoming they would be.  Possibly my Grandfather, though im sure I catch heck from my father for that. Other then that.. not sure what Id do. 

Has anyone felt this way and made the marriage work and eventually be content with their life? How do you tell if its the depression talking, or the situation causing the depression? Is there a way to bring back the "in love" feelings, or at least make this work and not always feel like needing to leave? 

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Wow, I have very similar thoughts, I feel so guilty that I just don't like him some times, and I hurt him with my behaviors. I see it. Makes me think he would be better off without me as a burden. But, those thoughts are directly related to me when I am depressed. If I am stable or hypo, he is awesome and really a sweet guy.

I rapid cycle so I can see it easily, not that rapid cycling is fun in anyway but it does give me insight to how fleeting my feelings can be.

We have been together 32 years, the reality is I would be lost without him. But when I am depressed I push him away, actually Iush everyone away.

Your not alone

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I would continue with the counseling.  If the pastor is not helping you to communicate with your husband, find a more effective couples counselor.

 

I also suggest individual therapy, so you can figure out why you are having these thoughts. 

 

You and your husband may be anti-medication, but you obviously have some issues that need to be addressed.  A lot can be done with therapy, CBT, and a healthy lifestyle, but you shouldn't dismiss all meds.  You've only tried a few antidepressants.  If they made you feel zombified or anxious, maybe a mood stabilizer would be a more effective medicine for you.  But that sort of thing can only be decided if you consult a psychiatrist and then actually take the medicine.  (If you need to go off it, you should be in touch with your doctor and not just go off it cold turkey.)

 

Since you have children, I think you owe it to your husband and children to get effective treatment and appropriate therapy.  If, after you've tried these things, you feel that you must leave your husband, then so be it.  But I think it is early days to be making that decision.  He's a good father, he has been supportive of you, and you owe him at least a bit more time to find out if the marriage will work.

 

olga

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I often feel like a burden to my wonderful husband.  It's a heavy weight to carry knowing that you have an illness that affects your family deeply.  If you are depressed, it can be really hard to be "in love" with someone and for some reason running away seems like an option.  I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss medication, it isn't the evil people make it out to be and taking the time to find the right one or the right combination is worth it.  Keep in mind that it takes a couple of months to find out whether your medication is working and have regular appointments with your doc to discuss your meds.

 

With your family at stake, I wouldn't make any decisions about separation until you sort yourself out.  

 

Best wishes.

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Thank you all for the input.  I am in individual counseling for myself and we meet with our pastor for couples. It actually seems to help more the the individual counseling seems to.   The only reason I am "anti meds" is because of my past history with them as a teen.  Some of the meds landed me with a bipolar dxs as a teen, which turned out to not be true. Or at least to the extent that they said I had it, as well as personality disorders which has been completely dismissed since I went off them years ago.   I blame it on a bad doctor that listened more of what my mom said instead of to me.  I do realize Im older now and the meds are likely to work different now which is why I've hesitantly decided to give them another go.    And I know going off the wellbutrin cold turkey isnt advised but I honestly dont think I could take weaning off of it I was reacting so bad to it. Thankfully the withdrawal from it only lasted 2 days and I had my husband home to help me out with it.

I really dont want to split my family up. The thought eats at me. I dont want to grow old alone. I honestly dont know if I could "make it" alone. Im sure I would be a wreck. Im sure at some point I would regret my decision. And while my parents believe they are helpful and supportive, they honestly probably make things worse/harder as they still try to treat me as the "troubled teen" instead of an adult who can still make her own decisions. I really wish I could just get these obsessive thoughts out of my head and focus on productive things. These thoughts are a huge source of my anxiety and feed my depression. The guilt and pain of them making everything worse.  

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