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But for MI, things would have been very different

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I get stuck in the past a lot because of my MI, and sometimes I get very angry thinking about it and how things shoulda gone if only I were normal. What things went wonky on you and how do you cope? I'm in my 40s now and I feel like life has passed me by. Whatever I was supposed to do was ruined and now I just take up space. I turned to alcohol to dull the pain,but it just made everything worse. Now I'm a serious alcoholic along with the batshit crazies, and I can't seem to shake either. I just don't see the point in existing this way. Everyone I knew died and now I'm all alone. I really only exist in cyberspace any more. Maybe it's time to press delete?¿? I tried that a number of times and apparently I'm not very good at it. I'm so close to a cocktail that works, but still these extreme lows pop up outta nowhere and haunt me. If I swallowed several bottles of pills from my "pharmacy," would anyone even notice? Is there a point to all this?

Edited by Flash
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Flash, nooooo, please don't think that way. You have many days that you are not remembering right now. Days of strength and clarity. I know cus I was where you are now and you helped me. You have knowledge and strength that you share that means a lot to me.

Maybe it's time to try AA again, or talk to you pdoc or Tdoc about your drinking and see what they can do.

God I am the last person that should say a damn thing about not drinking...........but I have seen you well, or at least better than I.

Keep working on that cocktail, your almost there, it would be ashamed to stop right before you arrive

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I wish I could go back to 40.  You could have many productive years ahead of you, Flash.  I agree with the others that you need an effective tdoc and you need to get off the hooch.  As I'm sure you know, you have to want to quit to get it done.  But your life can be rich and full, you can meet new people, you can learn new skills.


You have friends here and you can make friends in real life.  You can learn a new skill.  You can do volunteer work.  All possibilities seem closed to you because Depression is a lying bitch who is whispering in your ear that you're useless.  You're not.  You have value and you can contribute something to society.


I hate the way depression twists our thinking.  Please get some help and make an attempt to get sober. 



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Thanks everyone. I'm doing better today. A severe depression just shot out of nowhere last night and took me down with it. I was more or less fine one moment, and then bam! Blindsided me. Usually spikes of severe depression like that only occur when I'm at least already moderately depressed*, but the depression has been pretty mild of late. And that's the second time that happened recently. Perhaps I am getting a backfire effect from the Ritalin?¿ Maybe I'm still in a mixed episode that's just more stable thanks to the meds?¿? I dunno. I'll discuss it with pdoc next visit. He sort of functions like a tdoc, too, without being very "therapisty." I know the drinking doesn't help, but when I'm depressed everything just flies out the window.

*Or manic, when I go from high as a kite to crash and burn.

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