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Hello all. I'm new here. Looking for somewhere to talk with people going through similar things. I've been to many different sites like this. The last one is no longer there.
Well, I'm 32 years old. I started SI when I was a sophomore in high school. So what's that, like 16? I have always battled depression. Been to therapy for it. Mainly just a family therapist due to problems at home when I was younger. I have never been officially diagnosed. I SI'd all through high school. My sister pointed it out to my mom, she told me to grow up, I then stopped being so obvious until moved out on my own. Started back up a few years later, got real bad, the worst it's been. Harmed myself so bad that the cut was gaping. My boyfriend threatened to call parents, hospital, terrified of that I again stopped being so obvious.

 

It start with cutting the wrists. Classic first choice. That's when my mom said grow up. Then I went to bruising my tops of my hands. Over the years I have cut my feet, tops of thighs, bruise my thighs, hands, scratched my chest, and hitting my head. It a very big fit of rage, when no one was around, I banged my head against the refrigerator today. It really hurt and for a second I thought I may black out.

 

Fast forward many years now and two kids later. I am still with this same boyfriend as well. I don't do it hardly at all and never noticeable. One reason for that. My children. I never want them to know and my biggest fear, if my boyfriend and I break up, I don't want him to use it against me and try to take my kids from me. We've been together 10 years next month. 2 kids together. Not married.
So here I am. 32 years old. Have been a victim of self harm for 16 years now. Not always active but the thoughts and urges NEVER go away. Always fighting depression. Especially when arguments with my SO get bad. I have been on many different anti anxiety medicines like Lexapro, wellbutrin, Celexa, to name a few, there is more but I can't remember them all. None really did anything. I am currently on klonopin. Just started about week ago. Still waiting to see something because lately it's been really bad. I have even able to resist. For many years, but like I said, it never goes away. My babies are 7 and 4. And it's only a matter of time before they see or realize. The only scars I'm left with is some bad ones real high up on my thighs. That's the one that gaped. I swore I'd never do it again after that one. That was before kids. And here I am trying other tactics. Slowly easing back in. I'm so lost. I'm so lost... I'm so tired of it.

Edited by Wooster
adding spoiler tags to hide information that is not consistent with board guidelines.
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Welcome! :)
I'm sorry about your struggles and that your family wasn't more supportive. Neither was mine and its horrible.

Get where you're coming from with kids, I have significantly younger sisters and the older one is one of the only people that have asked about my scars. I think when they're old enough, if you need to, you'll find a way to talk to them in a way thats significant and caring. This is what I hope for at least. 
Please remember that you are a good mum and you can make things better for them, better then the way things were for you. It's okay to struggle, even if it feels unbearable. You're not perfect and everyone does. Maybe all this doesn't help at all, IDK.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just know you can always come here for help or to talk. Its really hard for others to understand if they haven't been through it. 

I have 2 kids too, 5 and 2. It was hard explaining to them why mommy needed so many band aids on my arms, even with long sleeves, you could see the bandages coming out. My husband has no idea what to do with this situation and I think he's even angry at me for it, that i couldn't help it. Just remember, you are not alone. It's a tough road, but one that can be conquered. 

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Hi Violet, welcome to CrazyBoards!

 

This is the right place if you're looking for recovery. We've got very supportive admins, moderators and members :)

 

Please read the guidelines to posting on the board. You'll find that in order to avoid promoting SH and to avoid triggering others with our posts, some descriptions are not encouraged. Thanks :)

Edited by MneCDB
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Hi Violet...

 

I added some spoiler tags to hide the information that is about specific forms of self harm on specific locations. Please take a look at the forum guidelines that MneCDB has posted.

 

The only reason for this is because we are a pro-recovery site... not at all intending to shame you for posting what you did... we just have some different guidelines than lots of other places on the internet.

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