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iaawal

How do you pick up the pieces when you're normal?

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I feel normal. I haven't felt this normal in 12 years. I just don't know how to live like a normal person. I have my moments but for the most part I'm okay. 

 

I've been working with my tdoc to start doing normal things and get a routine. 

 

But how do you adjust to normal life? How do you get that desire to live back? I'm not suicidal, I'm just so broken that even though I'm normal I still have no sense in life. How do you pick up the pieces after an episode? 

 

I miss having the desire to do something. The interest is there, the motivation is there but the desire is missing. 

 

I feel like I'm lost. I'm empty inside. 

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i'm sorry you feel lost.  my pdoc always tells me to be patient, that things come back slowly, one thing at a time.  maybe your concentration will get better, then you start noticing that certain things are interesting again, then some things even feel pleasurable after awhile, then one day you notice you've found the motivation to do something without having really thought about it.  i don't like the part where she says that actual "good" mood is last on the list to return, it would be hella easier if that part came first.  but it takes time (everything does with this freakin mental illness stuff doesn't it?).  the fact that the interest is there is a good sign, though!

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I went through a little while back. I felt normal. I can't even explain further than just saying that I felt normal. Totally out of the blue too, wasn't even on meds at the time. It was really quite odd. I just started going about my business like a normal person. I kept my apartment clean, I socialized in an unawkward way, thought a lot more clearly, spent money wisely. I just did stuff. but, even though I seemed to be getting on with life and doing really well, it felt really bizarre. I felt kind of hollow. Not the numb, depressed kind of empty hollow but a really bizarre type of hollow, like nothing phased me at all. Obviously it didn't last but it was an interesting experience. The first I'd ever had like it.

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It seems like you're maybe not at 100% and that what you need is for the rest of the depression to go away. I'd bet that once that happens, the desire to live will return. I've experienced coming out of an episode similarly to how lysergia describes it...that pieces gradually return and symptoms go away. Not having a desire to live sounds like a symptom that hasn't gone away yet.

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I've wanted to die for the past fifteen years. I live my life around it, mostly. So even though I want to die I still have to live day-to-day. Those days, strung together, are what constitute life and normalcy, for me.

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I've wanted to die for the past fifteen years. I live my life around it, mostly. So even though I want to die I still have to live day-to-day. Those days, strung together, are what constitute life and normalcy, for me.

This sounds a lot like me too.

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